«Boys need to learn a healthy way of dealing with their aggression»

Mr Wieser, boys are considered louder and more inconsiderate than girls. Why do so many boys find it so difficult to adapt to their environment?

I would like to respond with a counter-question. Do we want well-adjusted children? Personally, I don't think that's what we want. We have already had obedient and submissive children in our past, and that has sent Germany, Austria and the whole world into appalling conditions.

We actually want independent, responsible and self-confident children. In my coaching sessions, I very often deal with parents who say to me: «My son has no self-confidence. Can you support him?» I always reply: «Of course I can. But this will also result in changes and challenges at home.»

That sounds like a lot of difficulties at first. Doesn't greater self-confidence have mainly positive effects?

The offspring will then no longer let mum and dad tell them everything. I recently worked with a boy in my practice who had lost all sense of himself. Incidentally, this happens more often with boys who have very successful fathers. The father appears so unattainable to them as a role model in terms of his masculinity, status and power that the sons don't even know how to get there. And then they withdraw from real life and often look for their role models online.

School should be more about togetherness than adaptation.

In any case, I coached this teenager and shortly afterwards the father called and asked me: «What have you done with the boy? He's contradicting me.» What can I say? The boy can't act any differently with his environment than he does at home.

This brings us back to the topic of customisation.

I believe that it should be more about togetherness than adaptation, also with regard to school. This means that the school system should also endeavour to achieve this cooperation. There are already a number of studies and recommendations on this, but they have largely been ignored so far. Parents are therefore called upon to accompany the boys on their journey and to support them.

Don't most parents do that anyway?

They certainly don't do it if they can't accept that there are differences between girls and boys. They don't do it if they secretly hope that their son might be a bit more like his sister after all.

Where do you see the biggest differences?

First of all: Of course there is no such thing as the prototypical boy, as there are many individual characteristics. But on average, boys are more active, more interested in objects and have more gross motor skills than girls. Boys generally discover and experience their bodies differently, they deal with their physicality differently. Incidentally, this becomes apparent at a very early age.

Do you have an example?

Hundreds! I'll choose one that many of us will recognise. Who hasn't noticed the fascination that sticks exert on boys? For a while, sticks are weapons, tools and important companions. Many boys have a considerable collection of sticks at home. For parents, it is sometimes really astonishing how boys interact with sticks and, for example, simply hit the ground.

Boys discover and experience their bodies differently, they deal with their physicality differently than girls.

My twelve-year-old son occasionally stands in the garden with his favourite stick, sinks into his world for an hour and fights all kinds of things. When he does this, he is completely in his world, in the flow and preoccupied with himself and his stick. But that's a boy's nature. Girls don't usually do that - but not because they're not allowed to. It doesn't interest them.

Do brawling and fighting with each other fall into the same category?

This is another way in which boys express themselves through their bodies.

As a parent, however, it's tempting to think or even say: Do you have to fight again? Can't you just play together peacefully?

The reaction is understandable, but not necessarily helpful. If we assume that boys are physical, this also means that they have to find access to their bodies. And that often happens by crossing a certain line. If they really hurt the other person, they usually don't want to. But that is a learning experience. Then they know afterwards: if I punch the other person too hard in the stomach, it hurts them and I won't do it again. Boys learn from their mistakes, even if you often don't believe it.

But as an adult, you can't just let such fights run their course.

Of course, we adults have to react appropriately. But this also requires a certain amount of trust that the boys already know what they are doing. They don't lie in bed in the morning and think: What am I going to do today? Who am I going to hurt today? It comes out of the situation. That's the trial and error system. If things really go too far, as an outsider you can often see it in the extremely tense expression on their face. If the whole thing degenerates into anger and hatred, you have to intervene at the latest. But before that, my advice is to just let it happen.

So should parents accept that violent arguments between boys are part of life?

I am completely against violence. But I strongly believe that allowing boys to compete physically is a form of violence prevention. A general anti-aggression attitude is not helpful. Boys need to learn how to deal with their aggression in a healthy way. This needs to be channelled in the right direction.

Do boys need different rules than girls to learn how to socialise?

If you look at the brain or the way boys see the world and analyse what imaging techniques show, then you know that boys tend to focus on one thing rather than perceiving and incorporating many different things. This is important as a background to clarify how to deal with rules and boundaries for boys.

Parents must demand compliance with rules and boundaries if they are really important.

It therefore makes sense to tell a boy in no uncertain terms: «That's your limit.» Full stop. If I say the boundary is there on Monday and there on Tuesday under different conditions, and if it rains, it's a little different and if it doesn't rain, it's a little different again, then maybe a girl can deal with it somehow, but a boy definitely can't.

Is that just as true for a six-year-old boy as it is for a 15-year-old teenager?

All rules must of course be adapted to the age of the child. I tell an eight-year-old that he has to be home when it's dark. I agree a time together with the 15-year-old. But this is then binding. That's logical. I then ask: «You, what are you doing tonight?» - «Yes, this and that.» - «Okay. All right. What time will you be home?» - «At 9 pm.» - «Okay, that's fine. You have school tomorrow. You'll be home at 9 pm sharp.» If he's not there at 9 pm, I'll call him at 5 am. «What's going on? You said 9 pm.»

And then boys stick to the agreements made?

It's an illusion to believe that a boy will stick to the rules. He doesn't think: «Oh, mum or dad have set a boundary over there. I'd better not go there.» A lot of boys will, metaphorically speaking, tap their foot on the boundary. If nothing happens, they will cross this boundary. After all, it's adventurous. You do something forbidden and exciting. And if there is still no reaction, it is the child and not the adult who has pushed the boundary and set a new one.

That's why it's important to demand these boundaries, especially from younger boys. I even say: to enforce them. That sounds harsh. But you have to demand compliance with rules and boundaries if they are really important. That's why it's also advisable to consider where I should set a boundary. Am I restricting my child too much? Does it fit? Rules must fit.

One area in which many parents do not know exactly how to set rules is online games. This boundary seems to affect significantly more boys than girls.

There are various reasons for this. We know that most computer games are not written for girls. Two years ago, I had an in-depth discussion about this with a developer of the survival shooter game «Fortnite».

In shooter games, boys can live out their urge for status, power and effectiveness.

He confirmed to me that his company develops these programmes with one target group in mind: 10- to 16-year-old boys. The companies employ child and adolescent psychologists and even addiction researchers to penetrate deep into the boys' brains. And they succeed!

Why are so many boys addicted to these first-person shooter games?

Because they can be effective again in these games. Because they can live out the urge for power, status and effectiveness there. Because they can be single-minded in these games and have success with the desire to achieve something.

I get a lot of enquiries along the lines of: «Hey, my son bums around all the time, just sits at the computer, doesn't go out, has no friends» and so on. This has everything to do with self-esteem. He can prove how great he is on the screen, with a different name and a different character.

Parents should therefore try to enable boys to feel effective in the real world too.

Absolutely. It's about working on the boys' self-esteem. Online games also release happiness hormones such as dopamine and serotonin when you reach new levels. And boys are dependent on this. So you have to achieve a balance, a similar effect in real life. The right sport is a wonderful opportunity. A course in graffiti spraying. Or a cool musical instrument.

I sometimes simply advise parents: buy your son a punching bag that you screw to the wall. In fact, game consumption often decreases quickly. Instead of sitting down at the computer when they're frustrated to get their happy hormones, they hit the punching bag a few times. Their hand may hurt a little, but they have felt themselves. That feels good.

Many men still stay out of care work. How important are male role models for boys?

They are missing when they are not present. I have had this experience personally. I had a father with whom I had no good contact. There was no male closeness. That drove me into a toxic understanding of my role, which did me a lot of harm. I used to focus my life exclusively on measurable success - until I collapsed.

Boys want us to have more understanding for their personality and their view of things.

I then completely reorganised my life. Since then, I've been working with fathers and sons on their relationship with each other. When the boys in my coaching sessions have reached a certain age, I also advise them to take care of what they are missing themselves. They should say to their fathers: «Hey, Dad, I'd like to spend time with you.»

What advice do you have for fathers?

Children learn by imitation. If we want our boys to become loving, affectionate men, they have to experience this for themselves in everyday life. From a certain age, however, fathers no longer even take their sons by the hand. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Pubescent boys generally have less physical contact with their mothers. The moment they develop their own sexuality, many boys turn away from their mother's affection. From then on, a certain kind of intimate touch is missing.

This is the time when boys are looking for physical contact with their father. If they don't get it, then they don't get any contact at all because they usually don't have a sexual partner at that age. This shapes the boys for the rest of their lives. They simply get the feeling: OK, I'm not OK. My body is not okay. This can also have a lasting effect on their sexual behaviour towards their partner later on.

You have had countless conversations in coaching sessions to find out what motivates boys and what they want. What is the bottom line? What is particularly important right now?

Boys want more understanding of their personality and their view of things. How boys should be is dictated by social norms, the media and their parents. Many parents do not perceive their son as the person he is, but rather as the person they want him to be. This does not correspond to the boy's personality, his attitude, his values. Boys don't want to have carte blanche to do whatever they want. But they do want more openness and also more trust.