Being a father, mother, parent

For a child to grow up healthy, it needs its parents. It needs a stable relationship with both parents. And it needs stable and benevolent support and upbringing. An upbringing that gives them security and teaches them how to deal with everyday difficulties and their feelings independently in the long term.

Parents need to love and strengthen their child. This also includes parents setting boundaries. When behaviour endangers the child or the child develops behaviour that causes difficulties in dealing with others and themselves or impairs their well-being.

Education is always orientated towards the abilities and personality of the child.

Education, understood as accompanying the child on the way to an independent and satisfied adult life, is a major challenge. It is important to give the child experiences and to protect it - and to find a balance between the two. Education happens in many small interactions with the child. It involves affection, recognition, guidance, communication, modelling and much more. Parenting happens in everyday life, often not consciously.

The interaction with the child must also be constantly adapted to their stage of development. This is because education is always orientated towards the child's abilities and personality. To the respective situation. To the respective state of mind.

Why consistency is important in education

In education, we often talk about the concept of consistency, which a child needs in order to learn who they are, what they can do and how they should deal with themselves and the world. Consistency in education means always reacting similarly in similar situations. In behaviour and in attitude.

Consistency in parenting gives a child an overview and security.

Understanding how patterns work and how to react to them gives a child the feeling of having control and influence. It helps them to categorise reactions: The child knows that there will be a consequence if they do something undesirable. They know that they will be satisfied and may also receive recognition if they do something that their parents want. They know how to challenge or reassure their parents. They can decide for themselves how they want to behave. Consistency gives a child an overview and security, and consistent reactions from parents strengthen their self-confidence.

Inconsistent parenting behaviour, on the other hand, is characterised by the fact that the parents' actions and statements are not consistent with each other: Depending on the situation, different rules apply and parents react differently.

Such inconsistent, contradictory behaviour on the part of parents makes it very difficult for children to anticipate their parents' reactions and adjust to them. They are often disorientated. Inconsistent parenting significantly increases the risk of developing behavioural disorders. This is because the child has no reliable counterpart in the form of their parents, against whom they can learn to assess the behaviour of others and influence events themselves.

Should parents react similarly?

However, a certain consistency is not only important for the child, it also makes parenting easier. Once children have learned what their parents expect of them and how they are likely to react to certain behaviour, it is much easier for them to adhere to rules and boundaries.

It is important for the child's development to realise that certain rules apply and that the parents are pursuing similar goals.

However, in order for the child to learn what is expected of them, not only should each parent be consistent in their own behaviour, but both should also react similarly in similar situations. Both types of consistency are important for the child's development. And: If both parents do not behave consistently, they make parenting much more difficult.

If the father says yes but the mother says no - or vice versa - the children will sooner or later take advantage of this back and forth and deliberately play the parents off against each other. Arguments between parents are very often about the upbringing of the children and what the other should or should not have done.

Unity in education makes you strong

It is therefore important that parents agree on the basic principles in order to counter the risk of too many points of contention arising in daily interaction and conflicts becoming the order of the day. Unity makes you strong! It enables parents to support, help and understand each other.

It is important for the child's development to realise that certain rules apply and that the parents raise their children together and pursue similar goals. At the same time, parents are two individuals with their own expectations, abilities, experiences and histories. Absolute consistency in the behaviour of two people is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.

Taking a common line means that you are not alone and that both parents support you.

But perhaps it is less important that both parents have the same view on everything than that they agree on how they want to deal with different opinions. And that they can agree on a common basic line, even if they don't think the same way.

Finding and defending a common line is not always easy. But it's worth it: frustration and constant arguments about who is right can be avoided. The following points of reference are helpful to ensure successful cooperation:

1. what do we actually want?

When it comes to parenting, it is important that parents are aware of what they expect from their child. Behind this are the educational goals of the parents. The direction of parenting involves many aspects that cannot be separated from personal values, experiences and wishes. It is worth talking about what is important to you and what you want for your child. And to listen to what the other person thinks.

Parents will realise that they often have similar main goals. As a rule, they want the child to learn how to get on well with others and make friends, to be able to express themselves, to learn how to deal with problems and their emotions. What the child needs at any given time, on the other hand, are short-term goals, which can always change, as the child is constantly developing and changing and new situations lead to new questions.

2 How do we want to react?

When there are discussions about parenting, it is usually about parents disagreeing on how to achieve these short-term goals. Where do boundaries need to be set in a new situation and where does the child need confidence?

Parents don't have to agree on everything. The child learns that it's okay to be different.

It is worth discussing the reaction to current problems and agreeing on certain important points. Taking a common line means that you are not alone and that both parents are on board. This makes parenting easier and gives the children a sense of security.

3. do not check constantly

If parents agree on the basic rules, they should not keep interfering and controlling each other. The person who resolves a situation with the child is responsible and regulates it themselves.

Interfering in the upbringing of others makes the person being corrected and controlled feel inadequate. This harbours the danger that this person will withdraw from the upbringing of the children and relinquish responsibility. Equality between parents is not possible in this way.

Even if the other parent does things a little differently with the child, the child will quickly recognise who reacts how and will orientate itself and behave accordingly. Let the other parent build up their relationship with the child and practise their parenting skills.

4 It's okay to be different

Every parent is an individual. Parents don't have to agree on everything. Individuality and idiosyncrasies are fine. Give each other some freedom to go their own way: Unity despite diversity. This allows the child to have different experiences. And the child learns: it's okay to be different, independence is allowed!