Be a role model: Do I want to be like that?

Today's children are bullies. They talk back to their parents, spill food and annoy their teachers." This is not something said by a desperate father who exemplifies good manners and now sees them disappearing. No, Socrates exclaimed this in the 5th century BC. At a time when people were beginning to think about the education of children for the first time.

Generations before us have been working on the topic of role models and the desire to leave a positive mark in our upbringing. Being a role model has its own special qualities, and as mums and dads we are automatically role models - nature has set it up that way. Children not only learn language from us, but all behaviour by copying and imitating it, by learning how to behave in certain situations. They experiment, adapt, reflect and increasingly also scrutinise. In the early years, parents lay the foundations, although the influence of siblings, carers, teachers and friends also plays a role.

Parents convey values first

A Unicef survey, commissioned by the German Federal Ministry of Education and Research and Humboldt University in Berlin, among others, asked 6 to 14-year-olds: «In your opinion, who is best placed to teach children and young people values?» The girls and boys surveyed named their parents in first place, grandparents and other relatives in second, teachers, educators in third and the media only at the very end.

Influences from the social environment initially play a subordinate role for children, but this changes increasingly in their teenage years when what they have experienced is developed further, supplemented, modified or discarded. However, in order for this to happen, guidelines are initially required.

Children orientate themselves far less on what their parents and caregivers demand of them than on what they are actually shown by them.

The extent to which children learn from role models and are socialised by them has been significantly underestimated in the past, wrote the renowned Swiss paediatrician Remo Largo in his bestseller «Baby Years». And that's not all: children orientate themselves far less on what parents and caregivers demand of them than on what they are actually shown by them. According to Largo, parents therefore have the challenging task of questioning their own behaviour and considering how they act as role models for their children.

The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul also focussed on the parental role model in his work. «Children are born with great wisdom, but they lack practical life experience, an overview and the ability to think ahead. To acquire these skills, they need adults.»

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Juul coined the term «being leading wolves» in his 2016 book of the same name. Leading wolves show what is important in the family and in the social community. They are the masters, they demonstrate how to tackle things, how to be courageous. They north the compass for what is right and what is wrong and how a goal can be achieved.

But how do you become a good role model, a leading wolf or a leading she-wolf? How far does one's own influence extend and how do mothers and fathers stay in contact with their children when other role models come into focus?

Children want authentic parents

«You always want to portray yourself as a hero who has everything under control. But that's not the case!» says Tina from Winterthur to her father, who works as a manager in the automotive industry and whose favourite saying really annoys her: «There are only solutions, no problems.» The 13-year-old rolls her eyes every time she hears this. Her feedback prompts her father: Show yourself! Even with your weak points! For Tina, a good role model is «someone who is who they are».

12-year-old Johannes from Bern thinks that «adults are not always good role models. My mum says that I shouldn't lie, but I can tell exactly when she's not telling the truth. She smokes secretly on the balcony, but denies it. But I can smell it!» He knows that his mum has a stressful job as a nurse and that she smokes to calm herself down. It makes him angry that she can't admit it. Statements like this make it clear that children are not interested in having perfect, strong or flawless parents.

Even the youngest children have a sense for untruths and can see through theatre games. Each of us sometimes behaves inconsistently and makes mistakes, and realising this is also important for children's development. Because anyone who shows that they recognise their own shortcomings and try to correct them is a true teacher. Even if this gives older children and young people something to attack and challenges them to take a stand, parents should not duck away. Appearing credible and truthful, not pretending, goes down well.

This way, the offspring know that we sometimes fail and realise that we parents stand by it and try to do things differently and better. In the words of German parenting expert Jan-Uwe Rogge: «Authentic, spontaneous parents who sometimes make mistakes are what children actually want. Parents made of flesh and blood, with their own interests and values. Because only if we as parents are doing well and feel comfortable in our lives will the children also do well.»

What we do unintentionally is exemplary

The German educationalist Ursula Frost from the University of Cologne says that «we are essentially role models through what we do unintentionally. Therefore, it is the whole person rather than individual intentions that matter. It is the relationship between our intentions and the way we live that makes the difference.» In her opinion, education becomes effective precisely when its effectiveness is not understood as a technique, as a calculated influence on desired behaviour.

It's just like this: children challenge us to take a stand and not to try and get round it, even when we're exhausted and don't have the energy for discussions. This is when we become particularly visible. Of course, we are aware of the role model effect, but everyday life often proves to be the antagonist. Being a lighthouse in a roaring sea of constant challenges is not always easy, given our busy careers and family life.

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In such cases, we should signal that we are tired, helpless, annoyed or angry. Children don't need superstars as parents, but people who, like them, also have experiences. They are looking for companions who are willing to work hard to find solutions. This creates closeness, trust and makes things interesting.

Juul talks about being on an equal footing with your children. For those who are afraid of making themselves small, he says clearly: «Being authentic and having authority are not contradictory!» He advocates a relationship in which the child's thoughts, reactions, feelings, self-image, dreams and inner reality are taken just as seriously as those of the adults. «The leadership role still remains with the parents, but if they perceive their children as equals, respect their individual characteristics and take their wishes and needs into account when making decisions, the quality of this leadership is significantly improved.»

Reliable structures give the child security

Family rituals and reliable structures make the daily routine easier and provide a basic order that makes it easier for children to orientate themselves, internalise rules and stick to them. Repetition reinforces this without having to constantly explain and discuss everything. However, this requires self-discipline. An example: If you always wear a cycle helmet yourself, it is easier to teach children why it is necessary. If you put your mobile phone away at mealtimes, it is easier to demand this from others in the family. Children learn exactly what is important to mum and dad and how they implement it. It often takes a good deal of perseverance not to buckle in the never-ending hustle and bustle and constant challenges of everyday life.

Self-discipline is not an innate quality that we have to learn. Children need structure and also benefit from observing how mum or dad sometimes make an effort not to neglect or overthrow their guidelines despite exhaustion and lack of time.

During puberty, the influence of parents decreases and teenagers are increasingly orientated towards their peer group.

«Show your children how you sweat,» demanded the head teacher of 12-year-old Johannes at a parents' evening. «Our children should be able to participate in adult life in an age-appropriate way and observe the challenges we face.» All too often, girls and boys are taught at nursery and school that the grown-ups have already mastered everything perfectly. As a result, adults come up with the result without showing the way. A section of the route to be travelled is missing, and sometimes the assumption could arise that everything is easy for the parents.

Children learn from the family model. «I look at how mum and dad treat each other,» says Tina. «I'm interested: Who decides when? And do they listen to each other? I watch how dad dresses, what sport he does and whether mum has other things on her mind than her job!»

Whether children read books or use their mobile phones incessantly is largely a family decision. But parents don't have everything under control. From primary school age onwards, the internet and smartphones become more important. Adults are challenged to help children deal with digital media and teach them how to use the thousands of offers and possibilities without being overwhelmed.

At first, mum and dad are the fixed stars on the horizon of a child's observations. During puberty, their influence diminishes as teenagers increasingly orientate themselves towards their peer group, as well as leading figures from books and films, music groups and sports clubs. Above all, idols from Instagram and YouTube are gaining in importance today. This often goes hand in hand with a rejection of parental values. Dad or mum sometimes pulls their hair out and thinks: «He can't have that from me!»

It is often difficult to understand why certain Youtubers are chosen to dress, do their hair and act just like them. Young people often look for stars and starlets who don't correspond to their parents' expectations. This can sometimes be a big challenge, as there are often gaps between their own values and those in the media or in reality.

Stay in contact

You don't have to like the new «lighthouses», you don't have to think they're great, but you do have to accept that they play a role in your children's lives. Accepting does not mean that mum and dad have to approve of handing over the reins. «In this case, leadership means engaging with the teenagers and wanting to understand their point of view. In other words, not command, control and obedience, but support and being available,» says German family expert and author Mathias Voelchert.

Despite cutting the cord, it is particularly important to stay in contact during this phase. It's wise to avoid telling them off or reproaching them so that they don't turn away and provoke them and the fronts harden. After all, it is a mistake to believe that the offspring will adopt and implement the parents' concept of life and values one-to-one. The opposite can happen. Especially when adults promote themselves or others as positive role models. This irritates children and young people, and it is not uncommon for them to distance themselves from this and strive for exactly what should be prevented. For example, those who strictly emphasise punctuality may find that their teenager is late for appointments, or even intentionally late.

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«It is helpful to find out with the child what is behind a certain behaviour, i.e. to show the child understanding without simply allowing it to develop negatively,» says Daniel Süss, Professor of Media Psychology and Communication Science at the Zurich University of Applied Sciences and the University of Zurich. «Children don't usually obey their parents because they fear punishment, but because they want to maintain a good relationship with their mum and dad. Parents should continue to do things together with their children, but also offer them space where they can develop their strengths and interests without jeopardising themselves.»

Teenagers need rules, but unlike the rules set during their childhood years, «they should be negotiated together and not simply dictated», says Süss. «Young people need to feel that they are taken seriously and encouraged to take responsibility for themselves. Children don't always stick to the rules, and teenagers certainly don't - that's part of the healthy development of autonomy.» Incidentally, overprotected or authoritatively supervised young people usually become anxious or rebellious. So there needs to be a middle way that allows them to break out of their daily routine. It helps teenagers if they feel that their parents are there for them as a safe haven and remain in dialogue with them.

Give your children your full attention

Scientists such as sociologist and geneticist Michael Shanahan from the Jacobs Center for Productive Youth Development at the University of Zurich emphasise that social circumstances and environmental influences are decisive for a child's development. He advises parents to minimise their everyday stress if necessary and to be not only present, but truly present with their children.

This is often not easy, as parents are often under pressure, there is always something to do, there is always something to do, not only does the job keep you busy after work, but the entire family routine also has to be planned and organised. There's homework to keep an eye on, tidying up, cooking, cleaning. And in between, you almost reflexively glance at your mobile phone, even when you're with the children.

The path the child takes can hardly be controlled or predetermined by the mother and father.

«But mum and dad should be there all the time,» says Allan Guggenbühl, Head of the Department of Group Psychotherapy for Children and Adolescents at the Cantonal Educational Counselling Service of the City of Bern and Director of the Institute for Conflict Management in Zurich, «even if it's sometimes boring for adults to be in the playground or in the children's room. The girls and boys get involved through games and mischief and thus experience themselves and their environment. This world is not always accessible to us, but we should use the opportunity to get into the flow together.» This relaxes and creates closeness.

However, it is not only one's own parents who can be decisive role models in a child's life - there is a wider choice. Allan Guggenbühl is of the opinion that, as a mother and father, we can set the direction, but which path is taken can hardly be controlled or predetermined: «Every child has their own inner world, still unexplored, sometimes as opaque as a jungle. The inner world is a mystery, children and young people first have to get to know themselves, they are on a quest. There are emotions and passions that they cannot yet comprehend, sometimes they feel one way, sometimes quite differently. Every day is a challenge and they need support to master it all.»

Trust your child

Being a role model is beautiful and exhausting at the same time: «Basically, children do a kind of psychoanalysis with their parents,» says Guggenbühl. «It goes deep and takes us further! Because it's not just the children who mature alongside us, we also continue to develop.»

And ultimately, parents also need to have confidence in their own child and the basic attitude: «You are just right the way you are - and you will go your own way.»

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