Many parents today feel as though they have to be everything at once: understanding, patient, open-minded – and, at the same time, firm. They are expected to communicate as equals, set boundaries lovingly, help their children cope with anger and radiate calm, even though they are already at their wits’ end inside. Caught between meeting their children's needs and feeling overwhelmed, they long for clarity.
And suddenly, a word that has long been frowned upon is making a comeback: authority. Current debates often refer to «New Authority» – a concept developed, among others, by the Israeli psychologist Haim Omer. But what does it actually mean? Is this a return to old notions of obedience, punishment and control – or an attempt to rethink guidance?
This approach is not entirely new: for decades, developmental psychology and educational science have been exploring how closeness and guidance can be combined. The American developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, with her model of «authoritative parenting», coined a style that combines sensitivity and dialogue with clear structure and guidance. The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has also repeatedly emphasised that children need guidance – though not through pressure or punishment, but through the relationship, presence and clarity of the adults.
This dossier explores the question of how authority can be effectively exercised today. To this end, we have asked experts in the fields of education and child development to address key questions surrounding the topic of authority – particularly those that parents frequently grapple with in their day-to-day parenting.
Our experts:
1. Why is authority currently making a comeback?
To properly assess the notion of a resurgence of authority, one must distinguish between how things are actually lived out in everyday life and the social discourse surrounding them. The relationship between parents and children has always been complex and not clearly defined. One key aspect, however, has never changed: in certain situations, parents take the lead. When danger is involved, for example, they say clearly: «No, you wait here.» This form of leadership has never gone away.
What has changed is the public debate. Today, there are many ideas about what parenting should ideally look like – for example, that you should explain everything as much as possible, make decisions together, or persuade the child. These ideas are often highly idealistic and run parallel to reality without truly reflecting it.
Children today are more closely supervised, monitored and observed than in the past – albeit in a different way.
Allan Guggenbühl, psychologist and psychotherapist
At the same time , everyday life has changed: there are fewer children, more time, and more attention. Parents today invest a great deal of energy, love and emotional care. Children are much more at the centre of things. As a result, there is more talking and more negotiation – but that does not automatically mean there is less leadership.
The idea that parents today generally have less authority is therefore an oversimplification. In many respects, children today are actually more closely supervised, monitored and observed than in the past – albeit in a different way.
Allan Guggenbühl, psychologist and psychotherapist, founder and director of the Institute for Conflict Management (IKM) in Zurich
2. For a long time, the term «authority» had negative connotations. Today, it is appearing more frequently again in various contexts. What has changed?
Many people are initially put off by the term «authority» because they associate it with authoritarian upbringing – that is, with power, punishment or control. This is the classic image that many of us still remember from our own school days. However, there is a fundamental difference between authorities and authoritarian people.
The term «authority» originates from Latin and roughly translates as «a responsible guide». Modern approaches reflect this attitude: the aim is for parents to be present in their children's lives and to provide guidance – without being overbearing.
Haim Omer, the founder of the New Authority approach, worked as a clinical psychologist and dealt with parents who were facing very difficult parenting situations and felt overwhelmed. Among other things, he drew on principles from political movements, such as those of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, and applied them to parenting. Non-violence and a focus on relationships were therefore central to this approach from the very beginning.
Doris Brodmann, a certified parenting coach (New Authority / Non-violent Resistance); works with schools and parents on parenting, prevention and leadership
3. Why do explanations and negotiations often fail in everyday life – even though parents are trying to do just that?
Many parents try to persuade their children by using reason. They explain why something makes sense and hope that the child will realise for themselves why they should, for example, stop what they are doing. This approach is also in line with today's ideal of parenting. In practice, however, it often proves to be ineffective. The reason lies in the child's development. Children are not yet able to fully process such arguments. Their impulse control is not yet fully developed. The immediate urge – such as to keep watching or keep playing – carries much more weight for them than an abstract explanation.
Allan Guggenbühl
4. How does guiding children in everyday family life work according to the New Authority approach?
Parents set clear boundaries whilst staying connected. A child is allowed to feel frustrated or angry – that's all part of growing up. They're also allowed to say, «You're stupid.» The key thing is that the boundary remains in place regardless.
So-called «non-violent resistance» – that is, a firm but non-violent approach – is key. Parents or carers remain present, make their position clear («I don't agree with that») without escalating the situation or exerting pressure. It is therefore not about giving in, but about being clear without escalating the situation. Parents support the child, remain present and endure the situation, rather than engaging in power struggles or resorting to punishment.
Deborah Forster, counsellor at Elternnotruf Schweiz and coach in New Authority
5. How does it affect children's development if they are given hardly any boundaries?
An approach in which children set their own rules entirely does not lead to greater independence, but rather to a sense of insecurity.
Children learn to control their impulses by realising that there are rules – and that their behaviour has consequences. So-called executive functions – that is, the ability to control impulses, regulate emotions and adapt behaviour – do not develop on their own. They arise from the interplay between biological maturation, for example in the prefrontal cortex, and social experience.
Rules and structure help children to understand their environment and to regulate their behaviour within it.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
Children need to learn what they are allowed to do and what they are not. They learn to control their impulses – for example, not to knock over a game out of frustration – and to follow the rules. Without this framework, the foundation for this development is missing.
Rules and structure help children to understand their environment and regulate their own behaviour within it. If this guidance is lacking, it has a long-term impact on their emotional and cognitive abilities.
Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology at the University of Zurich
6. A harmonious family life is regarded as the ideal. How does this fit in with the conflict-oriented concept of New Authority?
The idea that parenting should be as harmonious as possible is very widespread, but it does not reflect reality. When you have children, conflicts are inevitable . There are situations in which children talk back, refuse to cooperate or reject their parents. That is simply part of the relationship. Of course, there are also many lovely, close and harmonious moments, but they are only part of the whole picture.
The problem arises when harmony becomes the yardstick. Then parents try to avoid or postpone conflicts. They spend more time explaining and negotiating, even though the situation actually calls for a clear decision. Relationships – including those between parents and children – always consist of various elements: closeness, conflict, arguments, and issues of power. The idea that a «good» family must be permanently harmonious is therefore a false image that many parents struggle with unnecessarily.
Allan Guggenbühl
7. How should parents ideally react in conflict situations?
A key principle of the New Authority approach is what is known as «postponement». I clearly state what has happened, but do not react immediately. For example: «I've heard what you said. That's not on. I'll think about it and we'll talk about it later.»
This doesn't mean I accept the behaviour, but it buys me some time. It allows me to calm down, think things through and consult others: How should I deal with this? What matters most to me?
Particularly in situations where other children are watching or the pressure is high, this delay helps to prevent things from escalating. At the same time, it also gives the child time to reflect on their behaviour.
Doris Brodmann
8. Can the approach also be applied to children with ADHD, autism or other special needs?
The core principles of New Authority – presence, self-regulation and relationship – remain the same regardless of the child. This reliability is often particularly important, especially for children with special needs.
What is changing is how this is put into practice in everyday life. Children with ADHD, on the autism spectrum or facing other challenges often need clearer structures, more support or different ways of communicating. Parents and professionals need to take a very individual approach here.
The key point, however, is this: the focus is not on «making the child fit in», but on how adults shape the environment. They continue to provide guidance, adapting their behaviour to the child's needs – and in doing so create a stable, supportive context in which development can take place.
Susan Krausse, social worker and co-founder of Sina, the Systemic Institute for New Authority in Zurich
Leadership is demonstrated through consistency and presence, not through assertiveness.
Deborah Forster, parenting advisor
9. What should you do if children ignore instructions and refuse to cooperate?
You cannot force a child to behave in a certain way. Parents cannot control whether a child cooperates – they can only control their own behaviour. This means staying calm and firm, and not getting drawn into power struggles. Leadership in this context is demonstrated through consistency and presence, not through force.
At the same time, it is part of being a parent to cope with frustration – both your own and your child's. It is normal for children to put up a fight. The important thing is to stick to the agreed rules and keep coming back to them. Parents set the boundaries – and those boundaries remain in place, even if the child doesn't go along with them straight away.
Deborah Forster
10. How can parents avoid letting themselves be overwhelmed by annoyance or anger?
Many parents’ reactions are strongly shaped by their own personal history. When a child says or does something that provokes or hurts them, parents feel stressed – and that's when old patterns often kick in. Thoughts such as «I won't let that child walk all over me» spring to mind. Such statements may seem like clear-cut values, but in reality they are old beliefs or convictions that many of us grew up with.
They undermine parents because they increase the pressure to react immediately. In acute stressful situations, the key is to break the cycle of escalation; for example, by briefly leaving the room, taking a deep breath, gathering your thoughts, or handing the situation over to someone else. It is important to recognise the «pressure cooker» situation at an early stage.
At the same time, the concept recognises that mistakes will happen. What matters is not getting everything right, but the ability to make amends: apologising, reconnecting with others and resuming leadership.
Susan Krausse
11. Isn't there a risk that a child might think they can get away with their behaviour if a conflict is simply put off?
The key here is persistence. It's not enough to put off dealing with a situation – you have to come back to it later.
When adults revisit an issue, they are sending a clear message: «This is important to me, and I'm going to keep at it.» This makes it more likely that the child will reflect on their behaviour. It often also makes them more willing to take responsibility or apologise. In this way, children learn that boundaries exist – but without them having to be enforced at the height of the situation.
Doris Brodmann
A key step is to clarify your own values: what really matters to me when it comes to interacting with my child?
Susan Krausse, social worker
12. Can parental authority jeopardise the relationship with the child?
Difficulties in a parent-child relationship cannot simply be attributed to authority or strictness. Parents and children are individuals in their own right. It is not a given that they will get on or be well suited to one another. Temperament, values, interests – all these factors play a part. It may be that they do not see eye to eye on certain issues, that their interests diverge, or that there is little mutual understanding. In hindsight, a strained relationship is then often explained away as the result of «overly authoritarian» parenting – yet this is frequently a retrospective interpretation.
Whether a relationship succeeds does not depend solely on parenting style, but also on how well the couple manages to build and maintain a connection despite their differences.
Allan Guggenbühl
13. How can parents establish clear boundaries in everyday life without getting bogged down in constant corrections?
A key step is to clarify your own values: what really matters to me when it comes to interacting with my child? This sense of direction often stems from reflecting on your own experiences – for example, which caregivers provided support during your own childhood and how they behaved.
From this, we can then derive specific approaches, such as: Do I maintain the connection even in difficult moments? Do I remain patient when my child makes mistakes, without withdrawing? These questions help us to develop our own approach.
This makes everyday life so much easier. It means that parents don't have to react to every little thing. Instead of getting caught up in a constant flurry of activity – correcting everything, intervening everywhere – the aim is to consciously focus on a few, truly key points. This clarity provides guidance – for both parents and the child.
Susan Krausse
14. Parents want their children to act independently whilst still following the rules. How can this balance between autonomy and clear boundaries be achieved?
Children need a framework that provides them with guidance without restricting them. This framework must be neither too restrictive nor too loose. If the boundaries are too restrictive, children cannot explore their options or gain their own experiences. If they are too loose, children lack guidance – they feel lost.
The key point is that this framework should be appropriate to the child's current stage of development and evolve alongside them. This can be illustrated clearly with a simple example: a jigsaw puzzle should be neither too difficult nor too easy – otherwise the child will lose motivation because they are either overwhelmed or underchallenged.
And even if the level of difficulty is generally appropriate, it can still be helpful to offer support – for example, by preparing certain parts in advance or providing guidance. This allows the child to feel competent, involved and, at the same time, independent – they solve the task themselves, but within a framework that gives them a sense of security.
Moritz Daum
A parenting style doesn't develop overnight. It's a process that takes time.
Deborah Forster, parenting advisor
15. To what extent should children be involved in setting rules and making decisions?
Involvement is a good thing – but it has its limits. Key issues and values must first be clarified by the adults. Children can be involved, but they should not be left to take responsibility for setting the direction.
New authority therefore means: a relationship between equals, but the responsibility remains with the adults.
Susan Krausse
16. Is it possible to develop a new parenting style later in life – even if you were brought up quite differently yourself?
Such an attitude can be developed, but it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process that takes time. The key lies in self-reflection: examining one's own history, values and reactions. At the same time, talking to others – such as your partner, other parents or professionals – can be helpful. Many parents feel under pressure to do everything right. In practice, however, it is more a question of finding an approach that feels right for you. Counselling, coaching or even therapeutic support can be helpful. They help you not only to understand this approach, but also to put it into practice in everyday life.
Deborah Forster
17. How important is it for parents to be on the same page?
When parents act in very different ways, it creates uncertainty. Children need clear points of reference. If these are lacking, it becomes more difficult for them to find their bearings. That is why it is important for parents to agree on the following: What values do we want to instil? How do we want to behave? What matters to us? If they are unable to achieve this in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek joint counselling in order to develop a common approach.
Deborah Forster
Even when teenagers start to distance themselves from their parents, they still need to feel that there is someone there who cares about them.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
18. How important are guidance and leadership during adolescence?
Guidance is particularly important during adolescence, as this phase is characterised by rapid and profound changes – physical, emotional and social. Young people are in the process of developing their own identity, and this can often be unsettling. That is why they seek guidance – either from their parents or, increasingly, from their peer group.
Even when teenagers start to distance themselves from their parents, they still need to feel that there is someone there who cares about them, remains present and provides guidance. Relationships and a sense of being valued play a key role in this.
Moritz Daum
19. Many parents feel under a great deal of pressure or exhausted in their day-to-day lives, especially when they have to cope on their own. How can they remain capable of coping in such situations?
It is important not just to focus on the moment itself, but to ask yourself: where do I get my energy from? Because without energy, it is almost impossible to stay present and calm.
Self-care plays a key role in this – even though it can be difficult to put into practice in many families. It is vital to seek support and not to cope on your own: whether from partners, grandparents, other caregivers or specialist services.
Another important point is to set priorities. Parents often have so many things on their minds at once – and this drains their energy. It helps to make a conscious decision about what to focus on right now and what can wait. The aim is to come up with small, achievable steps.
Doris Brodmann
20. How can we tell from children's development whether family life is going well?
If you look at the research, you can see clear correlations – even though these are average figures and not every child is the same.
Children who form secure attachments and learn to regulate their emotions effectively show benefits in many areas. They have better social skills, are better able to manage their emotions, form relationships more easily and are often more popular with their peers.
Self-care is important for maintaining your energy levels. After all, without energy, it's almost impossible to stay focused and calm.
Doris Brodmann, parenting coach
This also has an impact on school: those who feel comfortable are more motivated, receive better feedback and develop more positively in cognitive terms. In the long term, studies even show links to educational success, income and health. A key factor here is the ability to self-regulate.
But it's also important to remember that children are generally very resilient. It's not about perfection, but about reliability. That's precisely why the concept of «good enough parenting» is so helpful – parents don't have to get everything right, but simply be «good enough». That doesn't mean «indifferent» or «negligent», but rather: I am present, I respond to my child's needs. It also means that I will make mistakes, but that I recognise them and am willing to put things right – for example, by apologising for them. This takes the pressure off – and also helps children learn to deal with mistakes in a healthy way.
Moritz Daum
