Maddalena Barblan, 40, a musician and nursery school teacher, and Michael Scheurer Barblan, 45, a plumber and actor, live in Thun, Bern, with their two sons, aged 12 and 10.
Maddalena: ‘For me, inner clarity is absolutely crucial when it comes to dealing with our children. Children want to test boundaries and see how far they can go. If I am clear in my own mind about which values are important to me and where my boundaries lie, I can convey that to our sons as well.’
Of course, whether a child follows instructions depends on their temperament. Our two sons are different. For example, if I say , »Please tidy your room,’ the younger one often just gets on with it. It's different with the older one – he needs that extra nudge from within.
With mobile phones, we've noticed how quickly things can get out of hand. That's why we've set time limits and introduced specific times for WhatsApp and Spotify. Our aim is to have media-free periods where there's room for our own creativity to flourish. It's good for us as a family.
I make sure I stay true to myself. It helps me to think: I'm doing my best. That's all I can do in the moment.
Maddalena Barblan
Sometimes setting boundaries can also stir up strong emotions . In my experience, there's no point in trying to sort things out whilst you're in the heat of the moment. The first priority is simply to let the situation calm down after you've put your foot down.
There are also times when you just need to let your anger out. We'll look at strategies that can help us do this without hurting anyone. Things like working out or punching a pillow. The key here is to ask yourself: what helps me in this moment?
Parents don't always see eye to eye
At the same time, I make sure I stay true to myself. It helps me to think: I'm doing my best. That's all I can do in the moment. Michael and I don't always see eye to eye as parents. That's not realistic anyway. What's important to us is that we talk it through and consider: how important is this issue to the other person? We then take that into account when making our decisions.»
Michael: “For me, authority starts with treating people as equals. That doesn't mean there are no boundaries – but I try not to simply impose them, but to find solutions together. In my job as a craftsman, I also work a lot with young people. That's why I find time and again that you get further by showing respect rather than just putting pressure on people.”
When things get tense, I often try to lighten the mood – sometimes in a playful way or with a bit of humour. Things still need to be sorted out, but as an adult, I can decide when the right moment is to do so.
It is important to me that the children learn to take responsibility for themselves.
Michael Scheurer Barblan
Gaming is an issue in our family – as it is in many families – that repeatedly causes tension. I realise that I have a different perspective on this than Maddalena, partly because of my own experiences growing up. I think it's important not just to set rules, but also to understand the issue. I sometimes play with our sons too, and in doing so I show them that I set my own limits and approach it in a mindful way.
Of course, I insist on rules too. It's important to me that they learn, in general, to take responsibility for themselves. That applies to other areas as well. I tell them: «You have to do this – no matter how, when or where. Let me know by when you've finished.» They usually manage to stick to that quite well.»
