«Almost everything that parents have neglected can be ironed out»
Mrs Killer-Rietschel, a child's self-confidence develops in the first six years of life. Is everything that comes later a waste of effort?
Not at all. Building self-confidence has no starting point and does not end on a specific day, but is a continuous process. You can always work on your self-confidence, build it up or influence it positively, even in adulthood. But of course, the earlier self-confidence is strengthened in the long term, the better it is for personal development.
Strengthening the child as early as possible - that also means pressure for parents.
I understand that. However, from a psychological point of view, the pressure and stress that parents feel in this regard also has an effect on the child. I am in favour of more tolerance and hope that we can show ourselves the same tolerance for mistakes that we show our children.
What do you mean?
We are very understanding and forgive our children almost everything. We don't have this generosity towards ourselves. With self-compassion - which means being kind, attentive and understanding towards yourself - many things are easier. But we are often far too hard on ourselves. A mum recently told me that she felt really guilty because she had a lot of stress at work and often had to put her son off when he wanted to take up her time.
What did you tell her?
Parenting is a tough job. As a mum or dad, you can sometimes be irritable, stressed or have no time because the office is pressing, the household is waiting, something needs to be done urgently. That's human and certainly not a mistake.
It is important not to lose contact with the child. It is also okay to explain why you were so stressed or dismissive in the evening if you only regret it afterwards. The overriding goal is always to lovingly accompany the child, to appreciate it, to love it, to rejoice in its existence and to stay in contact. Almost everything we have neglected can be ironed out again.
Is it possible to spoil a child with too much love and appreciation?
No, never. Children need stability, security and encouragement in all phases of life. «I appreciate and love you as a person, it's so nice that you're here» - you should say something like this to your child every day or let them feel it for the rest of their lives. Even we adults like to hear that.
Everyone has strengths. Parents can work with their child to find out what these might be.
Does equal parenting promote a child's self-confidence?
In my eyes, equality means having the same level of knowledge. Parents and children naturally don't have that, because children don't have the experience and expertise that we adults have. Children should have a say, but someone in the family must have a healthy, loving authority and make decisions.
How can you promote self-confidence in everyday life?
By reinforcing the child's belief that they can definitely do something particularly well. Everyone has strengths. Parents can work with their child to find out what these strengths are. It's wonderful when a child has fun doing something that they enjoy doing on their own. That's when what we call flow occurs: the exhilarating feeling of a mental state in which you are completely absorbed in an activity. For children, this is usually in some form of play. In flow, the child experiences self-efficacy, i.e. they realise that they can master new challenges themselves. This is an inner, fulfilling process, independent of the judgement of others.
What if the child is suffering at school because of poor grades?
Weaknesses can become great strengths. One of my long-standing clients is dyslexic. It was often difficult for him at school. At some point, he learnt everything by heart out of sheer necessity because he didn't want to embarrass himself. Today, he has phenomenal memorisation skills. Memorising a ten-digit sequence of numbers is no problem for him. And parents should bear in mind that every child has a positive core that has the right to develop.
Children compare themselves. An example: The child says that it has been laughed at and has heard that it sings like a crow. What do you advise?
In the first step: compassion, comfort. In the second step, however, I can also teach the child an alternative way of dealing with injuries, for example humorous distance: that's a compliment, the comparison with a crow! Crows are very intelligent, they have a kind of planning intelligence similar to that of humans. And they are very social creatures, live close to humans and can even memorise faces.
School is just school. Grades only say a small part about actual talent and later success.
That sounds relaxed. Do you think parents should have more confidence that things will turn out well?
Never losing faith in your child is a very important skill. To keep telling yourself: yes, it will be okay, it's important and right. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes difficult. That is normal. At the same time, as a mum or dad, you should always remain mindful and vigilant.
What do you mean?
If the child withdraws, hardly ever goes out, skips school or sits at the computer until two o'clock in the morning: these are signals that parents should take seriously and then show presence. So seek contact with your child, ask questions and find out how they are doing. Parents have an important educational responsibility. This must be honoured.
What if the child at school feels that it is not enough?
My advice, even if it is sometimes anything but easy, is as follows: School is just school. Grades only tell you a small part of your actual talent and later success. One option may be to do more in the subjects you like and enjoy. And remember that: Some flowers bloom in spring, some in autumn. Many children simply need more time. And grammar school is not the only solution. Switzerland has such a great education system that you can be more relaxed.
