Aggression is healthy

Aggressiveness in itself may not be particularly constructive - but it is not unhealthy either. Of course, you should use the outburst to explore the underlying blockage, but until you get that far, you can't escape the conflict.

Not even if the first eight to ten arguments were not very fruitful. It is often difficult for the family members themselves to recognise what is going on beneath the surface, while friends and acquaintances immediately know where the rabbit lies.

Aggression needs air, space and courage. If we reject it across the board, relationship problems will arise.

At the same time, the way in which we handle aggression is of central importance for our mental health. Aggression needs air, space and courage.

If we don't grant her this and reject her out of hand, serious relationship problems will arise, often resulting in psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, migraines and depression.

A classic example

Many couples give up their romantic relationship when they have children. They make all kinds of decisions about how their family should live together, how work should be divided up and how children should be brought up, but they forget to take care of their own relationship.

They see themselves as full-time parents, so to speak, but anyone who sees themselves exclusively as a father or mother for twenty-four hours a day inevitably neglects their partner.

If the partners have agreed that he will be the sole or main breadwinner while she stays at home for the most part, there is a great risk that she will feel useless, no matter how valuable her contribution to the family may be.

When we no longer feel valuable to those we care about, we react aggressively.

This can manifest itself in her apparently jokingly referring to herself as a cleaner or nanny and accusing her husband of not taking an appropriate part in bringing up the children or doing the housework.

Basically, such a dispute is never really about the household or the children, but about the loss of an intact partnership.

The fact that the father also feels neglected often manifests itself in a certain form of jealousy, because he feels sidelined and has the feeling that he is only playing second fiddle to his wife.

What tears mean

Regardless of how we manage our aggression, there are two basic skills that serve to maintain our mental health: One is to recognise our inner needs and ensure that they are met in a variety of ways.

The other is the ability to grieve or cry when our wishes are not fulfilled. Children usually have no problem with these feelings - adults do.

And because they don't know any better, they usually work systematically to destroy this ability in their children. Let's take an everyday example: a mother pushes her three-year-old son in a shopping trolley through a supermarket. «Mum, can I have an ice cream?» asks the boy.

The mum says no, whereupon most of the children start to fight for the ice cream. «But I want an ice cream, please, please! Luke got one yesterday too.» Such a reaction is healthy. The boy's reasoning technique will improve on its own over the years.

Most parents believe that children who cry are unhappy. That's why crying children are such a provocation for them.

Repressed children, who have heard a thousand times how annoying they are, can be recognised by the fact that they never actively fight for the ice cream, but always want to hear from their parents why they are not allowed to have one.

So they immediately adopt a negative attitude. «Why not?», they grumble, which usually doesn't win you a flower pot. But back to the children with healthy arguments. At some point, most mums react with a sentence like «Now stop whinging!».

In many respects, this is a logical reaction. Parents would basically want to fulfil their children's every wish - if only they had the emotional and economic surplus to do so.

So if we say no to our children and they don't accept it straight away, we quickly feel like bad parents. And if we no longer feel that we are valuable to those we care about, we react aggressively.

Children almost always react with tears for two reasons: The phrase «Now stop whinging!» means very directly «You're annoying, not valuable». Which you can rightly cry about. The second reason is just as important.

The children process their loss by crying. They grieve. Adults generally know how important it is to cry and grieve when tragedies, divorces and deaths occur. But even with minor losses, tears are the only way to restore our mental balance.

We should also realise that the burning desire of a three-year-old who has just seen a giant ice cream advert is no small thing for him. If this wish is denied, he mourns his loss.

The boy has adjusted to the fact that he won't get any ice cream - contrary to the common belief among adults that he is trying to get his mum round by crying after all. 90 per cent of three-year-olds cry out of frustration.

Children need five to seven years to get used to the fact that there is a yes and a no in the world and with their parents.

In principle, most adults also believe that crying children are unhappy. That's why crying children are such a big provocation for us. The harder they cry, the more we feel like bad parents.

The mother in question will therefore fear being seen as a bad mother by everyone else in the supermarket. However, the more we perceive ourselves as bad parents, the more aggressively we react.

So the mother will probably reprimand her son: «Stop whingeing!» And the clearer we make it clear to our child that it is annoying, the more the tears will flow. The obvious question on the tip of your tongue is probably whether children should get an ice cream every time they ask for one. Of course not.

One of our functions as parents is to define the framework for our children and set them certain boundaries. For example, children need five to seven years to get used to the fact that there is a yes and a no in the world and with their parents.

We parents help them with this process. However, we should also recognise and appreciate our child's healthy reaction. We can rejoice in the vitality with which they express their desire.

That's why you shouldn't criticise your own efforts, but hold on to your own «no» in a friendly and relaxed manner.

If the crying doesn't stop, you can accept this silently or take your child in your arms and say to them: «I know how bad it is not to be able to have something that you want so much.»

If the level of aggression in the family gets too high, it's time to learn something new.

This makes him understand that his behaviour is healthy and justified. It usually takes another thirty to forty seconds before the child stops crying.

Let's look at the following episode: The parents visit a restaurant with their five-year-old son Elias and his older brother. Elias behaves in an exemplary manner during the meal, but when his parents have finished their coffee and are talking about their own things, he starts to get bored. At first he gets up, walks quietly between the other tables and greets the other guests in a friendly manner.

He then makes his way between two empty tables in a specific pattern that describes a figure of eight. He therefore co-operates with his parents' need to act as a pair and has found an activity that is as harmless as it is quiet.

Suddenly, his father stands up and pulls Elias back to the table. He looks at him sternly and says: «Sit down! Otherwise we won't take you to a restaurant again!»

If the father realised his son's enormous willingness to cooperate, he might say: «How nice that we can sit here in peace while you think up such a nice game.» Or: «What great eights you're making.»

Of course, the father's nonsensical rebuke does not mean that he is malicious or does not love his son. This father also wants to be the best possible educator for his son. We have probably all said similar things to our children in all innocence.

As we have learnt

Many excuses can be found for such inappropriate reactions from parents. And of course it is impossible to react calmly and «perfectly» at all times. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Parents have a better insight into the overall situation than children, so they should occasionally review their ingrained behaviour patterns and consider the pain they inevitably inflict on their children. Parents should learn to set boundaries without criticising.

Children are not yet harmed if they experience situations five to ten times a week in which they do not feel valuable, but rather like a burden to their parents. But there are an enormous number of children who are given this message fifty to a hundred times a day, and they are damaged by it.

Firstly, their sense of self suffers and with it the foundation of their entire position in the world. We do what we have learnt and act to the best of our knowledge and belief. When the level of aggression in the family gets too high, it's time to learn something new.

Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch