Aggression - an important basic feeling

The most important information

People are different: some are reserved, others are loud and extroverted and others are aggressive. But how does such aggression develop? In his column, Jesper Juul explains how this strong feeling can express itself and why it arises - for example, through the assumption that one's family does not value them enough. Aggression is therefore an important feeling that is influenced by external circumstances and is closely linked to feelings of love in family situations. The family coach emphasises: "If parents are aggressive, children are never to blame or responsible for it.

In his full text, Jesper Juul shows various ways of dealing with parental or child aggression in the family.

There is no doubt that we are born with different temperaments. Some of us are philosophical and reserved, others are extroverted and full of surprises, while others are aggressive - I call them the «warriors». They seem to see every challenge or burden as something they have to fight against with all their might.

Some children cry inside when they are frustrated or when they don't succeed at something. The «warriors» scream, push or throw it away. They will continue to do things this way until adulthood and it would not be a good idea to change them.

We don't know much about why they feel this way. What we do know is that they are usually going through a personal struggle. Spending time with them takes a lot of energy and their relationships are usually complicated.

Aggression is not the enemy of love, it is just another way of expressing love.

Aggression such as irritation, anger and hatred have many causes. One of them is fear. Fear of authority, of loss; and the fear of dying is another. Feelings of guilt often turn into aggressive behaviour.

When we can no longer cope with the feelings of guilt and self-criticism, we start to criticise and blame others.

Our need to be perceived as valuable by those we love is a deeply rooted human need. The experience of feeling valuable is at the core of who we are. From time to time, however, it lies dormant and communication within family members is a challenge.

Countless things stand in the way of communication

We may express ourselves unclearly and feel misunderstood. Or perhaps we are not mentally or emotionally present at the moment and as a result we feel cut off from others. There are countless things that stand in the way of good communication.

If we feel that we are not valued by each other or by our parents, then it's a bit like someone pulling the rug out from under our feet.

Our first natural reaction to this is aggression. At first we feel a little uneasy, irritated, annoyed or even angry. These feelings find various forms of expression.

If we can't cope with feelings of guilt, we start to criticise others and blame them.

In the past, it was not appropriate for women to be angry in the same expressive way as their male counterparts. Instead, they often cried. They developed psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, fevers or chronic complaints.

Men, on the other hand, are quiet and retreat behind the newspaper, the television or in the tool shed. There are culturally different perceptions of «being aggressive».

The same applies to those people who consistently direct their aggression inwards. This may be due to self-blame, depression, guilt or similar. When a family member suddenly becomes aggressive, it means: "I don't feel as valued by you as I would like to be.

I have the feeling that you don't think I'm right or that I'm getting on your nerves!" This is precisely the reason why it is necessary to welcome aggression in a family.

Aggression is not the enemy of love and affection. Rather, it is one of many ways of expressing love. If it is ignored or pushed back, then it grows and eventually becomes either a volcanic eruption or just icy cold.

Aggressive instead of sad

In truth, of course, this makes no sense. Why should we become aggressive, critical and hurtful if we don't feel valued by others? It would make more sense to become sad, as it is a sad experience.

Adults often become cautious and are quietly irritated. When this is the case, they usually realise that they are arguing about «nothing». They don't find time to talk and take a look at the relationship - with themselves and with others.

A typical example is the following: For many centuries, the most important value of a man was to be the breadwinner and thus the «family keeper». There was hardly any pleasure or interest in working. Generations before us have slowly tried to change this.

Nevertheless, many men will still harbour that old feeling that it is their duty to maintain the family. Although there is now a growing proportion of women in the workforce, many women still prefer to be close to their families and spend time at home. Both choices bring with them conflicts.

The feeling of not feeling good

The husband works hard to fulfil the needs of the family. His wife believes that he is neglecting the children and the family. Few men succeed in saying: «Look, I'm working for the good of the family.»

The woman, on the other hand, spends more time at home, creates a cosy atmosphere there and often finds herself in a situation where this is not appreciated.

Both sides spend a lot of energy on being valuable to the other and have a feeling of not being happy.

It is therefore important to keep checking whether our efforts to feel valuable are working or not. Aggressive expressions are often a sign that the time is ripe for a concrete conversation about this.

As parents, we usually feel the connection between valuable and aggressive very clearly. Children express this very well. There is hardly any relationship between adults in which you get such good feedback as between parents and their children.

When children report back that they do not feel worthy, they are usually insulted, punished or possibly even beaten. The aggression arises from powerlessness, loss and fear.

Some parents hit their children physically, others use their «tongues», as children put it, when they are insulted. From a child's point of view, it doesn't make much difference how they are hit.

They very quickly lose their sense of being valuable to their parents. Their behaviour is very predictable and they respond with aggression. So they will either hit back or respond in a hurtful way. Or they push the feeling inwards, become sad and feel guilty.

The child is never to blame

Parental aggression is always the responsibility of the adults. It is never the child's fault. Knowing that aggression is an important part of family life, we have to be very careful that aggression does not get out of hand, creating a vicious circle of ever-increasing aggression.

As adults, we can talk to each other and come to an understanding. Children and young people need our empathy and our willingness to understand what is going on inside them. Jesper Juul's columns are produced in collaboration with familylab.ch