A relationship for life

The emotional climate in which a child grows up has a major influence on their personal development. Children need protection and affection. They need to feel that they have a safe haven to which they can return at any time. A haven that fulfils their basic needs for safety, closeness, security, support and reliability. This foundation is laid very early on with the bond between parents and child. Only then is it possible for a child to discover the world and go their own way in a self-determined way.

In a loving environment, the child learns to express their experiences, hopes, wishes and fears.

The parent-child relationship is the cornerstone of every relationship that children later enter into. In this first relationship, children learn what trust, love, belonging, stability and confidence mean, how the relationship can continue despite difficulties and how they can have the feeling of being safe and loved despite arguments and disagreements. If these basic requirements are not met in the long term, there is a risk that the child's development will be hindered.

No learning without a relationship

A sustainable, positive and stable relationship with at least one adult is one of the most important social protective factors that enable a child's positive development. This can be seen in countless studies that deal with the development of children and adolescents and attempt to understand what young people need in order to develop according to their potential.

One reason for this is that learning is not possible without a relationship. In a loving environment, children learn to express their experiences, hopes, wishes and fears. It learns respect and to recognise and accept its feelings.

A good parent-child relationship helps young people to navigate safely through the storms of adolescence.

A child learns through imitation and support. It learns through understanding, trust, encouragement and motivation as well as through the opportunity to experience the consequences of its actions. Therefore, education is not possible without a relationship. This point emphasises the importance of this special interaction between the child and its parents.

A positive, stable relationship is often the last thing that parents and teenagers can hold on to, especially in adolescence. Because even in adolescence, a good parent-child relationship helps young people to navigate safely through the storms of adolescence.

Who do I like? And why?

The relationship between parents and their children is a very multifaceted and complex process that is influenced by a wide variety of factors. But how can a loving, positive and stable relationship develop? In order to answer this question, it is worth considering for yourself: Which people do I like? And why? Why do I feel safe with some people and less so with others?

As a rule, we like people who take an interest in us, who listen to us, who help us when we need it and who always show us in one way or another that they like us. People who take time for us so that we can exchange ideas, experience something or simply «be» together; people who give us peace and appreciation. And it's actually not much different with children.

Children and young people also need precisely these experiences: Experiences that their parents listen to them, take an interest in them and support them. They feel that people care about them, even if they are in a bad mood. And they need it even more than we adults do, as they are dependent on their environment. In infancy and toddlerhood, the parents' sensitivity is particularly important in understanding the child's expressions and responding to them appropriately.

The parent-child relationship is the cornerstone of every bond that children later form.

This is often a two-way learning process: the parents get to know the child and the child gets to know the parents. In the best case scenario, the child learns how to show their parents when they need something and that they can rely on their parents.

In addition to the feeling of security and safety, the child develops - somewhat covertly - the important concept of self-efficacy and thus a positive self-image: the feeling of having control and being able to make a difference. And parents can give this to the child at an early age by looking, understanding and acting appropriately. This sensitivity is also important later on, because it actually means that the parents understand the child and can react to it.

4 tips for a stable relationship

1. show interest

The basis of every relationship is interest. It is important to signal to the child: I am interested in what you do, think and feel. And they should be interested too! Because through the children's stories, they take us into their world, their thoughts and their feelings. The basis for understanding is getting involved in the world of the child or teenager. Because the worlds of children and teenagers are not adult worlds.

By asking interested questions with the aim of wanting to understand the child, we can show them again and again that they are important to us. In order for children and young people to gain confidence, criticism must be handled with care. After all, trust only develops when the child realises that what they say and express will be treated with respect. And even if teenagers sometimes share little or nothing at all: Showing an interest in their actions and thoughts, but also being able to respect them when they don't want to express themselves, can open doors.

2. take time for each other

Relationships cannot grow and change if they are cultivated between door and door. Sharing and opening up need time and trust. Rituals such as shared mealtimes, morning or evening rituals provide the opportunity to feel a sense of community and to talk to each other.

Joint activities (as a family or with the individual child) also enable new experiences, getting to know each other and the experience that the basic relationship is not affected despite different feelings and moods. It is therefore important to keep looking for opportunities to talk to each other. This could be watching a programme together that the child is interested in.

3. show affection

Children always need to feel that you love them. It is not enough to tell them this - they also need to feel it. Many parents find this easy in infancy: children are picked up, soothed, hugged and kissed when they are stressed or unwell. This changes over time and the expression of affection often decreases. But teenagers also need to be shown that you really like them.

The guideline is: it has to be right for both sides. For example, if a young person no longer likes being hugged in front of their colleagues, a warm pat on the back at another time may be an alternative. Parents can be very creative and warm. But here, too, it is important to remember that expressing love and affection and accepting these feelings must be learnt. And where, if not in the family?

4. take care of yourself

A trusting relationship cannot develop if parents do not take care of themselves. Stress, problems or ongoing conflicts affect our mood and our ability to respond to our children. It is therefore important to be aware of your own boundaries and not to constantly overstep them. Openness and honesty about one's own feelings and state of mind are just as important. Children can deal better with their parents' feelings if they can understand and categorise them.

It is therefore advisable to explain to children why you may be reacting more irritably than usual - but also to point out that this will pass and you will have more time again. It's normal and part of life that things don't always run smoothly in families. The important thing is not to forget the togetherness in all this turbulence.

There are many indications that a relationship between parents and children is good: When children approach their parents, show them different feelings, tell them about their everyday lives, open up and ask for advice, these are signs of trust. And this allows parents to fulfil the important task of accompanying their children through all the difficulties that come their way. Because relationships give confidence, trust and security.