A loving inner voice for your child and for you

We are all constantly talking to ourselves and evaluating our behaviour, our appearance, our character and our environment. «You're so fat!», «Why can't you ever get it together?», «You're so lazy!», «You're so stupid, why has this happened to you again?», «Nobody likes you anyway», «What kind of mum are you? The others have it all under control».

Sometimes we all feel inadequate, stupid or dissatisfied with our appearance. Many people - especially those who would never say a bad word about others - are all too hard on themselves. They can't forgive themselves for mistakes, get angry with themselves over even the smallest things, devalue themselves and question themselves as a whole person.

Their inner voice speaks to them angrily, coldly or contemptuously. In their inner world, there seems to be only a fault-finding prosecutor and a condemning judge - the defence lawyer is missing.
Psychological research has shown that a strong inner critic and self-loathing accompany almost all psychological problems. The inner monologues of depressed people often centre on the fact that they are worth nothing and are only a burden to others. People with eating disorders insult themselves as fat, sometimes even as disgusting. They judge themselves when they have eaten something «forbidden» and this self-condemnation often leads to such inner tension that they lose control even more.

Procrastinators see themselves as «lazy bastards» who «can't get anything done», and such tirades rob them of any motivation to dedicate themselves to what they have set out to do.

Don't be afraid to let go of your inner critic!

On the other hand, people who manage totreat themselves kindly often enjoy a better mental state. They are happier, more motivated, calmer and more resilient when dealing with stress and pressure.

I often come across people who believe they can motivate themselves with a judgemental voice. Exam-anxious pupils or students who procrastinate are often afraid that they would learn too little or do even less if they let go of their inner critic and driver.

The opposite is true: those who forgive themselves for mistakes and learn to face themselves with an accepting attitude are more quickly able to face their problems, develop solutions and accept the unchangeable.
It is therefore worthwhile for most people to invest in an encouraging, forgiving and compassionate inner voice.

How to learn self-compassion

A loving, accepting approach to oneself is described in psychology with the somewhat cumbersome term self-compassion. This attitude can be trained.
Self-compassion consists of three components. Each aspect helps you to treat yourself more kindly.

1. Achtsamkeit: Annehmen, was ist
   Unangenehme Gefühle oder Pro­bleme möchten wir oft gar nicht wahrnehmen. Wir versuchen sie zu unterdrücken, flüchten uns in Grübeleien, weisen anderen die Schuld zu. Eine akzeptierende Haltung unseren Gefühlen gegenüber nimmt ihnen ihre Bedrohlichkeit. Dazu können wir uns etwas sagen wie: «Du bist nervös – das darf sein.» Oder: «Ich bin gerade so wütend, das hat mich richtig verletzt.» Teilweise nimmt die emotionale Spannung bereits ab, wenn wir das Gefühl ausdrücken können – auch nur im Stillen. Wir geben uns damit die Erlaubnis, die ganze Palette unserer Emotionen zu empfinden, ohne uns dafür zu verurteilen.
    
2.  Sich verbunden fühlen: Du bist nicht alleine
   Mit Problemen, Schwächen und unangenehmen Gefühlen fühlen wir uns häufig alleine: Wir haben den Eindruck, wir seien die einzige Person, die sich «so blöd anstellt», mit ihrem Gewicht hadert oder mit bestimmten Schwächen und Schwierigkeiten kämpft.

   It is comforting if we can realise at such moments that such experiences are part of being human and that many others experience similar things. Perhaps we can say something to ourselves like: «It's bad to be abandoned. It really hurts right now. But I'm not alone with this feeling - lots of people have had to experience it.» If we feel connected to others in our pain, we are also more likely to confide in others and ask them for support.

3. Freundlichkeit: Sich behandeln als jemanden, den man mag
   Warum sollten wir nachtreten, wenn wir bereits am Boden liegen? Viel hilfreicher wäre es, uns Mitgefühl entgegenzubringen. Wir können uns in einem schwierigen Moment daran erinnern und uns fragen: «Was würde ein guter Freund in dieser Situation zu mir sagen? In welchem Ton?» Wir dürfen uns dazu vorstellen, dass dieser Mensch neben uns steht und zu uns spricht. 

Being kind to yourself? That often feels ridiculous at first.

When we endeavour to treat ourselves in a more appreciative and friendly way, it can seem a little strange and alien at first. Perhaps we feel a little ridiculous. Sometimes the stern, reproachful voice pushes itself to the fore and suppresses our intentions. Stay persistent.
Ask yourself regularly for a while:

• Wie geht es mir gerade? 
• Was fühle ich?
• Wie möchte ich mit mir umgehen?
• Was würde mir helfen? 
• Wem kann ich mich anvertrauen?

Don't feel bad if you judge yourself - you are practising. You can use the opportunity afterwards. For example, say to yourself: «Gosh, you've just been really mean to yourself and you're feeling bad. What would be good for you now?»

We usually inherit harsh, critical inner voices from other people. Partly because we ourselves had parents who were demanding, challenging, cool, critical or dismissive. But partly also because our parents - despite being kind to others - treated themselves in this way and we copied this attitude from them. If we accept ourselves and treat ourselves kindly, we are not only giving ourselves a gift, but also our children.

About Fabian Grolimund

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the section
«Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 40-year-old is married
and father of a son, 6, and a daughter, 3. He lives with his family in Freiburg.

www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
www.biber-blog.com

Fabian Grolimund writes a column in every issue of the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. You don't want to miss it anymore? Then subscribe to our magazine now.