8 questions and answers about motherhood

1. what does a child need from its mother?

Love, security and attention; a clear attitude; rules that provide a framework, as well as the opportunity for autonomy. What a child does not need: perfection. On the contrary, it is valuable for children when parents make mistakes and admit them. They can learn a lot if we share with them how we deal with our own shortcomings and negative emotions; especially if they see from our example that you can't be discouraged by failure, look for new solutions and learn from mistakes.

Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology, University of Zurich

2. do mothers bring up children differently to fathers?

Yes and no. Fathers are still at home less often than mothers. They have less time with their children and usually use it more intensively, for example with active, body-orientated games. Fathers throw their children up, tussle or romp around with them. In this way, the child experiences the relationship with the father as exciting. This has less to do with the male gender than with the fact that fathers want to make the less time they have with their children attractive.

What shapes a child is how we spend time with them, not who spends time with them.

Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist

Studies show that mothers who work full-time also tend to engage in this type of play. For example, roughhousing, where children practise empathy: they learn to regulate impulses and deal with the other person in such a way that the game remains enjoyable for both sides. It is mainly fathers who tussle with their children, but as I said, this has more to do with the circumstances than with gender. We know from 40 years of research that there are more similarities than differences between mothers and fathers in their role as parents.

Wassilios Fthenakis, family researcher and professor emeritus of developmental psychology and anthropology at the Free University of Bozen-Bolzano

3. which areas of development do mothers have a particularly strong influence on?

The times when gender roles and family responsibilities were clearly defined are over. Biologically determined differences between the sexes, such as hormonal balance, certainly influence our behaviour. When it comes to how parents mould children, other aspects are probably more decisive: it depends on how we spend time with the child, on the respective personality and its responsibilities towards the child.

Today's diversity of roles and family models does not allow for generalised statements. For example, most mothers and fathers do both care and professional work. Children experience both as a reference person at home and as a gateway to the outside world, which used to be the father. The father's perspective was also seen as cognitively stimulating because it went beyond the family.

Moritz Daum

4. do mothers have to love all their children equally?

That is the claim, but not the reality, as studies show. Most parents are closer to one child than the other, at least some of the time. A child is an individual personality whose unmistakable appearance, behaviour and characteristics trigger something in us. They encounter their own imprints, unconscious expectations and desires, likes and dislikes.

For example, you may recognise your beloved grandmother in your son's gentle manner, while your daughter's tantrums bring back memories of her choleric father. As a rule, mothers and fathers sympathise most with the child who is most like them. Or they admire a child precisely because it has qualities that they themselves never had. If parents realise why they have a closer relationship with one child and make a real effort to gain access to the other, that's okay.

Jürg Frick, Zurich psychologist, researcher and author, including on sibling issues

5 What distinguishes the mother-son relationship from the mother-daughter relationship?

Most children spend more time with their mother in the first few years of life. This is probably why the relationship with their mother is usually closer and she is the first point of contact for emotional issues. With puberty, sons in particular distance themselves from their mothers. Identification aspects play an important role here: the mother has a different gender and the changes that boys go through during this time remain largely alien to her. However, she knows first-hand what puberty means for a girl, and as the closest reference person of the same gender, her role model effect is much stronger.

All of this can lead to a mother-daughter relationship that is more intimate, but also more conflictual. The similarities as women can have a bonding effect, but also harbour the danger of support becoming paternalistic. Some daughters still find it difficult to distance themselves from their mother in adulthood, while others demand it loudly in their teenage years - often with accusations that question their mother's life plan and make it clear: I'm not like you.

Moritz Daum

6 What influence does the mother's occupation have on her relationship with the child?

Research shows: If the mother has a positive attitude towards her job and is supported in this by her partner, then her guilty conscience about the fact that time with the children is limited is limited. However, if the mother combines her feelings of guilt with a negative view of her employment because she experiences it as emotionally stressful, the children are more critical and more likely to complain about their own state of mind.

US researchers asked children what they would like from their mum. Almost 70 per cent said that their mother should be less tired and stressed. It was believed that the children primarily wanted more time with their mum, but the mother's well-being was the most important factor for them. The impression that the mother is satisfied and able to cope with her situation - not primarily more time with her - was the key factor by which children rated the quality of their relationship with their mother.

Margrit Stamm, Professor Emeritus of Educational Science at the University of Fribourg and Director of the Swiss Education Research Institute

7 How does motherhood change a woman's emotional well-being?

As part of a study for the German Institute for Economic Research, we investigated this correlation in 2018 using representative longitudinal data. And found that around one in five women who had become mothers felt better in the following years than before. However, a third experienced a substantial deterioration, showing an increase in stress symptoms such as mental stress, depressive moods or feelings of anxiety.

The contradictory models of ideal motherhood cause stress for many women.

Marco Giesselmann, sociologist

It is remarkable that these complaints increased rather than decreased in the years following the birth. We suspect that this is due to what research from gender studies suggests: Women are confronted with contradictory models of ideal motherhood. On the one hand, there is the role model of the ever-available mother who always puts her child first. On the other hand, it is contrasted by a role model that also has a strong influence: that of the working and professionally successful mother who is not «just» a housewife.

Mothers want to live up to both ideals, but realise that they are fundamentally incompatible. What remains is a feeling of inadequacy, which creates feelings of guilt - and this in turn creates mental stress.

Marco Giesselmann, Professor of Sociology, University of Zurich

8. do we owe our mother gratitude?

This question often arises when adult children and their mothers are caught up in never-ending conflicts. Certainly, there are mothers who make it difficult, almost impossible, to get closer. But it is also a fact that a change in the relationship with the mother requires a decision: Where do we direct our gaze? Do we continue to believe that the mother is preventing our happiness and therefore has to take the first step? Or do we open our eyes to what we have received from her, even if it is very little?

«What is the positive thing I got or learnt from my mother?» - that's a question you can spend a little time on. Regardless of whether your mother is still alive. It's about finding inner peace with her - and therefore also with ourselves. Perhaps this results in gratitude . Not in the sense of guilt, but simply for this life.

Claudia Haarmann, author and therapist in private practice specialising in attachment and relationship dynamics in families