6 tips for parents with a cheeky child

Four years ago, my youngest started kindergarten. The change wasn't easy for either of us. Suddenly the mornings were very quiet without my cheerful little rascal. I missed my child very much. And it was a challenge for my son to get up early every day and process all the impressions before going to sleep. It took us both six months to get used to everything.

Secretly, I envied the other mums from the kindergarten. Their children are so different, I thought. They jumped out of bed in the morning, skipped from «Chindsgi» to after-school care and from there to ballet, swimming and violin lessons. And my child? Preferred to stay at home, play, colour and cuddle.

Your Rumpelstiltskin's behaviour is completely normal. It's his way of dealing with the stress of kindergarten.

Then I stopped comparing myself to other mums or demanding more activity from my son. We simply surrendered to the days as best we could.

Other mums, same worries

Months later, one of the other mums confided in me. She said: "I don't know what's wrong with Mila. Either she doesn't want to get up or she wants to leave at 7am. And on forest day she makes a fuss because she's not allowed to go out with her fairy wings, but has to put on her mud trousers. If I say no, she slaps me and screams. "I felt her despair as if it were my own.

Another mum came in. She said: «When Noah comes home, there's nothing but shouting. He throws his bag and jacket on the floor and torments his brother. He freaks out immediately and does whatever he wants!»

I felt her helplessness as if it were my own. We all know scenes like this and have experienced them countless times. Now that my son is in second grade, I can tell you with a clear conscience: it will pass. It's just a phase (really!). Your Rumpelstiltskin's behaviour is completely normal because it's his way of dealing with the stress of kindergarten.

Adaptation has to be learnt

Kindergarten is an exceptional situation for the child, which requires a great deal of adjustment. In kindergarten, there is only one carer for a large number of children. For every girl and boy, this means waiting, postponing their own needs, being frugal, enduring frustration. And then there are all the other, noisy, wild children. And the new toys. The child has to share, come to terms with others, listen and help, fit in, do things it doesn't like doing, be friendly, keep its feelings under control, sing along and sit quietly in a circle.

A child needs our attention especially when we find it stressful. This is exactly when parents should make time for them.

It's exhausting, tiring, sometimes annoying, boring and just plain daft. Children go through a lot of the same things as us adults - for example, when we start a new job or are having a hard time at work. Unlike four and five-year-olds, however, we are better able to deal with these feelings. We can express our frustration, disappointment, tiredness and discomfort verbally. This is because we have what are known as executive functions, the technical term for emotional control.

Mastering executive functions prevents us adults from throwing ourselves on the floor in the evening after work and shouting at or even hitting our partner. Children only learn this emotion regulation in the kindergarten years. As a result, they often find themselves in situations in which they are unable to cope with their communication skills. They automatically resort to non-verbal ways of expressing their wishes and feelings. These tried and tested tips could help your child:

1. the effect of coffee and a hug

The child pushes the crisis, I wander to the coffee machine. That helps me, but often not the child. They might cry, stamp their feet, pester the dog, get loud or bury themselves in their room. As a mum, dad, grandma or grandad, you have two options: Ignore the shouting, finish your coffee and put on headphones if necessary. Or you can go to your child, take them in your arms and let them cry or scream. Sometimes you cry together. Regardless of whether it's option A or B, you have to be able to put up with both. It's not easy, because parenting is never easy.

2. talking about feelings is difficult

Some children are easy to talk to in a crisis. But talking about what makes them so angry, sad, quiet or loud is difficult, because the kindergarten child is not yet in possession of all their emotional abilities, they cannot control themselves and cannot think through their actions and possible consequences. This is why adult instructions such as: «Please calm down», «It's not that bad», «It'll be okay», «Tomorrow is another day» simply don't work with a kindergarten child. They are completely incomprehensible to children. The solution: point 1, option B.

Defiance is an expression of a child's desire for independence. Only those who rebel can find out who they really are and develop their personality autonomously.

3. a lunch break

Children can be in a riotous mood for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they are tired or simply had to pull themselves together. Maybe it was very loud or there was an argument. Perhaps a child is simply hungry because they have swapped their snack. Feeling hungry can be helped by a piece of bread, apple, cucumber or carrot slices. Listening, compassion, understanding, calm - and a lunch or rest break - can help with emotional stories.

4. «It's just a phase»

Only at around the age of six does the child's brain reach the level of maturity that we recognise as adults. Before that, especially between the ages of three and six, growth is greatest in the frontal lobe of the brain. This is where judgement, attention and concentration, as well as planning and procrastination, are located. The exchange of information between the left and right hemispheres of the brain also only improves from the age of four.

The child is now undergoing a major development process. The fact that it sometimes can't understand why it has to wait, isn't allowed to watch TV or should join in the singing group is due to this process. In other words, they don't always know what they are doing, because they are a child and therefore need understanding and patience first and foremost. Knowing about this developmental phase can help to provide both.

5 The search for identity

Children are constantly testing their limits. Up to the age of five, there may be repeated phases of defiance - including cheeky answers and titles in faecal language. This should be understood as an expression of defiance, and defiance in turn is an expression of a child's desire for independence. Because only those who rebel can find out who they really are and develop their personality autonomously.

Because young children are not yet able to formulate their wishes in an adult-like manner due to their immature brain structure, they sometimes turn into little Rumpelstiltskins. Knowing about the identity-forming function of defiance can help to meet «cheeky» children with understanding and humour.

6. «Gruesome» words

In fact, it can happen that a child suddenly uses the A-word, the F-word or the Sh-word out of the blue. They realise that the adults are shocked or annoyed by this and naturally find it exciting. Our reaction to this is important: if we then scold them, it is of little use. I have always practised the following: firstly, ignore it, secondly, make it clear that I don't want to be a..., thirdly, react with humour - and if necessary, have a swearing lesson. The most important thing, of course, is not to use the words you don't want to hear yourself!