5 ideas on how to make your next childcare weekend a success

More and more separated children are growing up multi-locally. This means they live in at least two households. This is according to the report «Wenn die Eltern nicht zusammenwohnen - Elternschaft und Kinderalltag» (When parents don't live together - parenthood and everyday life for children) published by the Federal Commission for Family Affairs FCFF in June 2022. This report looks at different living and care arrangements for families.

Of around 250,000 children of separated parents in Switzerland, 49 per cent spend at least every other weekend with the other parent, in the vast majority of cases with the father. The responsibility of the other parent is therefore centred on the weekend. Accordingly, high expectations are often placed on weekend organisation.

Attractive activities should make children and parents happy. This cannot always be realised.

Ideally, there should be an exchange between the two parents before the changeover from one parent to the other. This is because information about the child's emotional and health condition as well as experiences or schoolwork can help to ensure that the start of the weekend is child-centred.

If there is a risk of conflict between the parents when the child is handed over, a transition booklet with the relevant information could help.

Parents are disappointed when things don't go as planned

«I'm always so happy when my little one comes to me that I don't even know what we should do first,» a father recently told me in counselling. The sadness is correspondingly great when the weekend doesn't go as planned. Just last Sunday, daughter Maja was whingeing. Maja didn't want to go to the zoo. Her father couldn't do anything to please her. Precious time had passed. When Maja was picked up again by her mother, her father was left disappointed.

Especially when the time together is limited, the joy is great and the expectations of a childcare weekend are high. Attractive activities should make children and parents happy in order to carry this bonding feeling into the coming days for as long as possible. This is not always realisable and should therefore not be the primary aim, as life often has a different plan, for example when the child is invited to a birthday party on the other parent's childcare weekend. In these cases, forged plans fail.

Parents deal with this in different ways. Some parents live up to their responsibilities and make sure that they take their child to the party or pick them up again. Other parents agree that the child will stay with mum and possibly go to dad the following weekend. There are many variations that separating parents agree among themselves.

As life cannot always be planned and parental relationships are not always conflict-free, the following five ideas are suitable for a successful childcare weekend:

1. create activities together

Are you usually the one who worries about what you want to do with your child? Of course you want to offer as much as possible. Especially if contact with your child is limited to a weekend.

However, depending on the age of your child, it may make sense to talk to them beforehand on the phone or via Messenger. Children have lots of ideas if they have the opportunity to express them.

So stay in dialogue! Develop ideas together until you both agree. Incidentally, you are also helping your child to recognise and express their own needs. This in turn has a positive impact on their emotional and social development.

2. don't think too big or less is more

Our world now offers an immense range of activities. From trampoline halls to indoor mini golf, play centres, 4-DX cinemas, laser halls and other entertainment venues. Even pre-school children are often confronted with too many stimuli that end up making them tired or even aggressive. Parents either mean well or don't know any better: the younger a child is, the less intensive external stimuli it needs.

Every activity with your child only becomes a shared experience when you are really present.

(Small) children can experience so much in nature. Plan a trip to the park, the lake, the forest or the mountains. You may now be saying: «Unfortunately, my child is only interested in the virtual world and is bored outside.» Don't give up! Go out together. Experience shows that children like it after all during the trip - even though they grumbled at first.

3. expose disappointments for what they are: Disappointments

If you do fall into the trap of being disappointed by your high expectations for your weekend, this perspective can help: When people feel disappointed, they often think that another person is responsible for this feeling. This makes them even sadder or angrier and the bitter feeling remains.

In such situations, I invite you to change your perspective. An example: You have an image in your head of going swimming with your daughter this weekend. You are splashing around in the water, enjoying yourself, diving, jumping, sliding and bringing her home happy and content.

But it turns out at the weekend that your daughter doesn't fancy the water. She went swimming yesterday and actually wanted to go to her friend's house. Her mood remains low and you bring her home frustrated. You are disappointed. You feel bad. Everything should have gone differently.

This feeling is caused by nothing other than the simple fact that your deception has been exposed. You have allowed yourself to be deceived by the image you have created. And now you have been disappointed. That is all it is. You can therefore attribute your sadness or anger to this disappointment, but not to the situation itself or even to your child. Either you no longer have any expectations in future or you simply recognise that you were wrong.

4. experiences arise through relationships

No matter what you do with your child: It doesn't matter what you offer them. Every activity only becomes a shared experience when you are really present. How often do I see fathers or mothers whose children are discovering the world full of joy, but they don't even realise it. They stare at their mobile phones and miss out on precious moments of shared experience that strengthen the relationship.

So be there! Observe your child. Guide them and let them try things out for themselves. Watch them and praise them. Joke around together and hug each other as often as possible. Even if you are further away from your child later on, they will remember these experiences and know that you are an important part of their life.

5. you have to leave to come back

Saying goodbye after an intense time of reunion often hurts. Most people don't like saying goodbye. Handing your child back over to the other parent's world can be very sad. If you are one of those parents who can't part with your child, cling to them and never stop saying «goodbye», you will most likely make your way home in a devastated or even helpless state.

The transition between mum and dad is difficult enough. Long farewell scenarios make it even more difficult.

Your child won't feel any better because the transition between mum and dad is already difficult enough and is made more difficult by long farewell scenarios. Why not try this instead: a farewell ritual will help your child and you to prepare for the moment of change.

For example, you could sing a song together before saying goodbye or give your child a small drawing of you that they can only look at at home. Perhaps you could write a farewell verse together and take turns reciting it to each other. There are many ideas! It is important that you keep the ritual short and that you can lovingly say goodbye to your child with the inner attitude «I'm leaving to come back».