10 questions about life with teenagers

1. what helps to get the conversation going when young people are at a loss for words?

Parents should not view monosyllabic behaviour as a rejection of the relationship, but as part of a normal developmental phase. The responsibility for the relationship lies with the adults. It is up to them to offer opportunities to spend time together. If words are not enough, it can be helpful to pick up on the child's interests.

Be it make-up tutorials, games or your favourite band: as a parent, you can be shown things, ask questions or even join in yourself. And signalise it: I'm interested in you. Or you can use whatever is available - slip a note under the bedroom door with something nice written on it, send your child something funny on their mobile phone during the day.

Inke Hummel, pedagogue

2 When asked what is going on, the standard youthful answer is: nothing. Why even then, when the opposite is obviously the case?

Sometimes young people themselves don't really know what's going on with them. Perhaps they are overwhelmed at school or at work, have been rejected by friends or something has gone wrong. Many adolescents are not yet able to deal with this well - and conclude that they are not worth anything. Perhaps the parents have drawn the teenager 's attention to behaviour that they basically know is wrong. Many teenagers first push away anything that causes unpleasant feelings. And then parents want to talk.

Anger is allowed - we'll talk about how to deal with it again.

Annette Cina, Psychologist

Be honest: we don't like it when the other person pokes a finger in the wound and confronts us with questions that we don't want to ask ourselves. As parents, it helps not to expect too much. It's better to take a more relaxed approach and find out how the child is doing in a more informal way. Of course, you don't have to accept bad behaviour. The message should be clear: It's okay to be angry - we'll talk about how to deal with it again.

Annette Cina, Psychologist

3 How do you stay in touch when time together is scarce?

Nurturing relationships can also be seen in small gestures: putting your arm around your child as you pass by if they seem grumpy, sitting down with them, saying something friendly, waiting and listening. Cook their favourite meal again; ask «Do you want a cup of tea?» instead of «Are you on your mobile phone again?». These are often inconspicuous everyday situations that we can use for moments of closeness and togetherness.

Sometimes it is also a good idea to revive favourite childhood rituals: During counselling, a mother told me that her 16-year-old son had complained because she no longer baked Christmas cookies with him - she had automatically assumed that he didn't feel like doing it anyway.

Elisabeth Raffauf, psychologist

4 Should parents insist on family time for teenagers?

Yes, they are allowed to set a framework. For example, they can say that they eat together once a day or once a week. They can do this in an approachable way by telling teenagers honestly what they're all about: it's important to us that we don't completely ignore each other - because otherwise we'll miss you, because we're interested in your topics and your opinions in conversation. As with everything, however, it is also important to question ourselves honestly with regard to family time: what is really important to us and where are we pursuing ideals that we think are appropriate?

Inke Hummel

Autonomy also means knowing: What am I good at, where do I need help, what do I need to pay attention to?

Marielle Donzé

5. how much parental control is appropriate when teenagers go out in the evening?

When teenagers leave the house, parents cannot control them. It is now up to the child to take responsibility for themselves. Whether they are ready for this depends on their level of development and the learning experiences they have had with regard to independence. The aim is to make the child competent. To convey this to them: You are getting bigger, you are becoming more independent and we are supporting you so that you can become more autonomous. To do this, parents provide a framework that adapts to the child's stage of development.

Autonomy also means knowing: What am I good at, where do I need help, what do I need to pay attention to? When it comes to going out, I would also focus on experiences that arise from everyday life and conversations with my child. If the 15-year-old wants to go to the club, I want to know how she and her friends make sure that nothing is poured into their glasses.

Or I would like to have discussed with her how she can react if she gets into distress. We agreed times with our three teenagers, depending on their age, when they should be home - they could then call in if the mood was good and they wanted to stay a little longer for a change.

Marielle Donzé, psychologist

6 What helps when young people do not honour agreements about helping around the house?

Parents often talk about agreements that are not agreements from the teenager's point of view. Teenagers are quick to say yes in order to have peace of mind when their mum announces that they will have to collect their own dirty laundry in future. It is important to check: What was really agreed - together? On this point, I would like to recommend an English saying to parents: «Pick your battles» means thinking carefully about what is worth standing up for. In other words, to set priorities: What is really important to me?

A gambling ban for unfulfilled duties has no learning effect on independence.

In my opinion, a teenager should be in charge of their own room and we should overlook it if it's a mess. This also means that I don't put the smelly sports kit lying around in the laundry myself. However, we shouldn't expect that once agreements have been made, they will take effect immediately. To be fair, I give the child help so that they can fulfil them. For example, send them a reminder before laundry day, ask them what they need to make it happen - for example, a laundry basket in their room? If it still doesn't work, the child will have to go to the gym in their favourite clothes.

Unlike a punishment - a game ban for not doing the chores - which has no learning effect on independence, this circumstance is a direct consequence of his actions. What parents then often do: quickly do the washing for the child. I would advise against this.

Marielle Donzé

7 What if the teenager does too little for school?

Conflicts with teenagers about school often have to do with parents not critically questioning their expectations, i.e. not focussing enough on the child and their abilities or inclinations, but rather on ideals that do not necessarily correspond to them. I'm not talking about cases where the school approaches the parents because there is a need for action due to problems. Then you have to take a look. But when it comes to secondary or grammar school, as is so often the case, I would argue in favour of more composure. An intelligent secondary school pupil is not lazy just because he has no ambitions for a higher school level. He prefers a different path and that should be respected.

Oskar Jenni, developmental paediatrician

8. do teenagers need their parents less than children?

Teenagers still need their parents and to talk to them, but in a different way. My daughter put it aptly when she was a teenager. She thought that parents should basically be there for teenagers more than for children.

Teenagers need their parents - but in a more measured way and with respect for their independence.

Monika Czernin, pedagogue

When I asked her what she meant, she said: «Parents of small children know when they need help. They have to give them food when they're hungry and comfort them when they cry. It's different in adolescence: we don't need parents often and they never know when. That's why it's best for them to always be there in case it does happen.»

Admittedly, it's not an easy and sometimes thankless job. But a very important one. Because yes, teenagers need their parents - but in a measured way and with respect for their independence.

Monika Czernin, pedagogue

9 How can parents help to ensure that alcohol and drugs do not become a problem for their child?

By providing children with experiences from an early age that strengthen their self-esteem and integrity - being accepted and loved, having their opinions taken seriously and having their personal boundaries respected - as well as developing their personal and social skills: How do I deal with difficult feelings appropriately? What helps to calm me down when I'm under stress? Where do I go for help when I'm feeling bad?

Prevention is therefore not just about imparting knowledge. It is certainly good when parents teach their children how to deal critically with substances and shed light on health or legal aspects. But they shouldn't lecture them about it - and they should also pay attention to the example they set for their children in this regard.

Karina Weichold, Professor of Psychology

10 Parents find it difficult to judge where normal puberty symptoms end and serious developmental problems begin. When is specialised help indicated?

Increasing withdrawal is, to summarise, the most important warning signal. I'm not referring to situations in which teenagers are occasionally taciturn or sit in their room for hours on end, but to situations in which the child practically stops talking for a long period of time, hardly takes part in family or other social interactions and doesn't want to go to school. If, on the other hand, there are tensions again because the child is testing his limits or overstepping them, being cheeky and provoking parents, then these are - good - signs that there is still a relationship.

Oskar Jenni