«You would never have got away with that with me.»
Sometimes people burp at our table. Or talk with their mouths full, eat with their hands and otherwise fidget around. I'm talking about the children. They've all gone through their phases. But not everyone sees it that way.
«Hey, can you finally say something?» shouts the eldest when the youngest behaves badly again. «You would never have let me get away with that!»
I would argue that this is not true. But objectivity in family matters is an unattainable thing – and memory is a chameleon. Yours, at least. In my review, of course, only facts appear. «You used to mess around quite a bit too,» I say. Promptly, I get pushback, now also from the second-eldest: «With us, you would have freaked out long ago!»
While we diligently set about educating our first child, we simply no longer get nervous at every provocation with our youngest.
Well, from their teenage perspective, even a quiet sigh is an expression of lost control. But let's put it this way: while we were still diligent and well-read when it came to raising our first child – and only slightly less so with the second – we simply no longer get nervous every time our youngest provokes us.
Before he can become a fidgety child who sweeps everything off the table like in «Struwwelpeter», we take action. «Stop that now!» we say. Just like in the old days. Or almost.
Education with two exclamation marks
Perhaps it used to be: «Now stop it!!» One more exclamation mark, but it didn't help any more. Even if the grown-ups apparently suspect this little sign to represent the whole spectrum between doing nothing and harsh discipline.
«Teenagers!» you might say and freak out, or rather sigh quietly. That's what I usually do. But sometimes a discussion like that sticks with you. All it takes is a coincidence, an old photo for example, and one thing leads to another and eventually to a little fact check.
Perhaps the differences in how siblings are brought up lie less in what you say and more in what you expect of them.
I recently remembered how huge my eldest suddenly seemed to me after my youngest was born. Since then, I've been unsure. It's quite possible that we demanded manners from her seven-year-old self that her eleven-year-old self still struggles with today. If I saw his sisters standing next to him now, as they once were... I would probably regret some of my exclamation marks.
«Hey, hello!» they call across the table again. «With us, you would have long since...!» Of course, I continue to insist that this is not true. Where would we end up if it became apparent that my parental perception is quite distorted? But honestly, they are a little bit right. Perhaps the differences in the upbringing of siblings lie less in what you say and more in what you expect of them.
Without saying a word, but sighing loudly just to be on the safe side, I clear away the «little one's» plate. He concedes that he has finished anyway and was just trying to annoy his sisters. I almost wrote that exclamation marks are overrated. But perhaps they are precisely the yardstick for our own expectations. I believe we can work on manners, though, and perhaps one point is enough here.
