Sibling rivalry: «Why can he do that and I can't?»
My son is angry with me. The screen lock on his mobile phone has been activated. No more gaming, says the parental control. Slamming the door, the ten-year-old disappears into his room, not without shouting «Why can he do that and I can't?» as he leaves.
«Der» is his brother, who is two and a half years older and, at 13, no longer has limited screen time. He grins broadly and calmly continues gaming. «Your brother didn't even have a mobile phone when he was your age,» I call after him, purely out of reflex, knowing that rational arguments won't get me anywhere.
After all, this isn't the first time that the younger one has felt disadvantaged and has made it known loudly. The older one gets to go to the cinema alone with his friend? Unfair! But the film is only suitable for children aged 12 and over? So what, he wants to go anyway. The older child drank cola at a children's birthday party (or should we say a teen birthday party)? He wants some too! The older child is allowed to sit in the front of the car? That's not fair! But he's not big enough for that yet, is he? Who cares!
The big players fight their way to the top
However, he generously overlooks the fact that his older brother paved the way for him in many areas, which he, the younger one, now benefits from. This started when they were babies: while my older son actually lived without sugar for almost the first two years of his life, the younger one had his first spoonful of ice cream at the tender age of six months. His brother happily shared a portion of his Pinocchio cup with him.
Second-born children grow up knowing that there is always someone who can do something better than them.
Watching the first children's films? Younger siblings are usually allowed to do this much earlier than their older siblings were. Simply because they were there when the first video night took place. Roller coasters at amusement parks, the first mobile phone, the first computer: the list of examples is long.
The more fairness, the more competition
I considered myself a fair mother. I always divided all the biscuits equally among my three children, and if one child had a little more screen time one day, I allowed the other two to have more the next day. This was to ensure that no one felt disadvantaged. As mentioned above, this did not work.
If only I had read Becky Kennedy's parenting guide «Good Inside» beforehand, which clearly states that fairness does not prevent conflicts, but rather fuels them. According to the American author, this is because it causes children to police fairness. The more fairness, the more competition.
A naive idea
I'm not the only mother who approached family planning with such naive ideas, at least according to author Becky Kennedy: «Many parents cling to a common but rather unrealistic view: siblings should be like best friends.»
I once thought it was a good idea to have children close in age. That way, they can play together, which is practical! And then two boys, they'll be best friends. It was an illusion. This plan worked for a short time, a few months, when the boys were three and five.
The smaller the age gap, the greater the rivalry between siblings. This is further intensified when siblings are of the same gender.
Otherwise, it's more likely to be: «He looked at me! He cheated!» and frustration from the little one when he can't run as fast or play table tennis as well as the big one. Or stupid comments from the big one when he does something better. Second-born children come into the world and grow up knowing that there is always someone who can do something better than them. Better at stacking building blocks, better at tying bows, better at baking sand cakes.
Rivalry hit
To be honest, I dread what it will be like when they are 15 and 17 and topics such as going out, dancing the night away and – even worse – alcohol come into play. I ask Nicola Schmidt for advice. She wrote the book with the promising title Geschwister als Team (Siblings as a Team) and initially gives the all-clear.
It is perfectly normal for younger siblings to want to compete with their older siblings, and for older children to guard their privileges. The smaller the age gap, the greater the rivalry, explains the social scientist, who is herself a mother of two. The rivalry becomes even stronger when siblings are of the same gender. Bingo, I've hit the rivalry jackpot.
A game of rights and responsibilities
So what can be done to put an end to the constant «but he's allowed to» arguments? Nicola Schmidt says that it is important to make children understand that reaching a certain age brings with it not only rights but also responsibilities: «The older child is allowed to do more, but he also has to do more.» This makes it seem fairer in the eyes of the younger child. It is basically a game of rights and responsibilities.
So far, so logical, but it sounds easier than it is. I try to distribute the chores as evenly as possible so that no one feels disadvantaged. I have always considered anything else to be unfair.
So now it's up to me to find tasks that the older one has to do and that the younger one is not yet able to do because of his age. So that he understands why he's not allowed to watch «Lord of the Rings» yet. Will I really find tasks that only the older one can do? They both take the waste paper to the bin and return the deposit bottles to the supermarket.
Lack of social rules
Nicola Schmidt also recognises that this is difficult to implement: «We lack cultural norms in society, i.e. universally accepted rules.» Things used to be clearer in the past. The focus was primarily on duties that came with a certain age.
A typical example is the initiation rites of indigenous peoples, where, from a certain age, you are allowed to do certain things, but you also have to do other things. Today, most rules vary from family to family. Individuality is a positive thing, but in this case it makes things more difficult.
Win, but don't gloat: it's good to be better, but you shouldn't brag about it to others.
If I lived on a farm, it would be much easier, because there are animals to feed and ride-on lawnmowers to drive around on. But we live in the city centre, don't have a lawn and don't even have a cat whose litter box needs cleaning.
My eldest son and I have now agreed that he will tidy his room himself, vacuum and put his clothes away in his wardrobe. The little one doesn't have to do that yet. I have to admit that my son is better at folding clothes than I am. I'm really not upset about handing over this chore and look forward to passing it on to my middle child too.
Less jealousy
The jealousy over the privileges of the older sibling has diminished since different responsibilities were introduced – but the constant desire to keep up is no less, and with it the constant rubbing in of who is the bigger sibling. So what can help siblings really become a team, I ask Nicola Schmidt.
She advises me to teach children to «win, but don't gloat.» It's good to be better than others, but you shouldn't show off about it. Logically, this doesn't go down well with siblings. Parents should also make it clear to older children in moments of triumph that their victory is due to their age advantage.
Don't compare children
She has one more piece of advice: don't compare children. This is relatively easy to do. Unfortunately, parents don't always have this under control: so how should you react when grandparents, teachers or neighbours rub it in to siblings that their big brother could swim so well at that age?
Nicola Schmidt advises pointing out directly that such comparisons are not welcome and should be avoided. This is not always easy, but I will endeavour to communicate more clearly on this matter.
Parents should not dismiss their children's feelings, but rather acknowledge them and show understanding. Envy and jealousy are part of life.
For sibling team building, she recommends regularly creating «children versus adults» situations. Ball games, hide and seek, tag, things like that. Or give the children joint projects or tasks that can only be solved as a team. I solved it with «if you two load the dishwasher quickly, we can watch a film.»
The prospect of a movie night got the boys organised in no time: one cleared the dishes from the dining table, the other loaded the dishwasher. There was no arguing, everything was done constructively, and no plates were broken.
I praised her for it and did everything right, according to Nicola Schmidt: «If something works well in a team, it's okay to point it out more often.» So focus on naming the good things instead of constantly complaining. Which, by the way, also promotes family harmony in other parenting issues.
Enormous range of emotions
Ultimately, acceptance is probably the only thing that helps to a certain extent. Our children do not choose their siblings. So why do so many parents assume that they will become best friends just because they happen to be related?
US author Becky Kennedy agrees: «Parents need to accept that children have a huge range of feelings towards their siblings.» What a beautiful way to describe the everyday madness of life with children: «a huge range of feelings»!
Becky Kennedy has another tip: parents should not talk their children out of their feelings, but rather name them and show understanding. Envy and jealousy are part of life, even and especially among siblings.
