«When I argue with my little sister, only I get punished»

«Ask Sarah»

I don't like my little sister Mia. She annoys me every day. But my mum doesn't believe me. She always takes my sister's side. I haven't done anything wrong. But when Mia annoys me so much, I just have to defend myself. And then she screams so loudly that my mum comes and tells me off. What should I do?
Gian-Luca, 8

Dear Gian-Luca
You are angry with your little sister. And you obviously have good reason to be: she is always annoying you. And when you finally defend yourself, she starts screaming or crying loudly. No wonder one of your parents comes to see what is going on. Unfortunately, it always looks as if you are to blame for the argument. And you promptly get told off or punished.

I can assure you that many older brothers and sisters feel the same way you do. This is a typical phenomenon that occurs in many families. Often, parents do not realise exactly what is happening.

A never-ending vicious circle

Usually, the younger child starts the argument by simply doing what they want. This is often not done out of malice, but because the sibling has not yet learned to ask first or wait. For example, they want to play with the toy that the older child is currently playing with.

Don't fight back directly anymore, but ask your parents for help.

Or they destroy the Lego or other toys, so you have to start all over again. It's all extremely annoying! And when you're annoyed every day, you quickly lose your temper. No wonder you quickly lose your cool.

Unfortunately, the mums and dads have little chance of finding out who the real culprit is. However, as the younger child often cries louder and the older child sometimes starts hitting out in anger, the parents naturally get angry with the older, stronger child and punish them for attacking the younger one. The whole game then starts all over again day after day..

Observe the dispute like a detective

I see only one way out of this vicious circle: you have to play detective – and you'll need your parents' help.

Explain to your mother when you have a quiet moment that you are fed up with the constant arguing with Mia and need a solution. Ask her to be particularly vigilant the next day and to observe the argument as discreetly as possible. At the same time, you need to observe the following points yourself the next time Mia starts an argument:

1. Who starts by taking a toy away, saying something stupid or hurtful, or doing something disruptive? I assume that in your case, it's your sister who starts it.

2. Then watch closely to see what happens. How do you react: Do you take the toy away from her? Do you say something mean? Or do you do something else, like yell, push or hit her? Or do you just wait until she does something wrong again?

3. How long does your argument last before your mother comes to check on you?

4. What reasons does your sister give? And what is your explanation for the shouting?

It would be best if your mother could also observe these points. You can discuss your detective work with her and see what results you can gather.

Involve the parents

The next step would be for you, Gian-Luca, to always go straight to your mum whenever Mia annoys you. This means that from now on, you should not defend yourself directly, but ask your mum for help. Say to her: «Mum, Mia is annoying me and won't let me play. It's making me angry. I need your help to solve this problem.»

Tip: Alternate between popular toys and set a timer. Even small children quickly understand this.

Firstly, this will prevent physical altercations, and secondly, there should be no unfair punishments or scolding if you are not involved in the dispute.

Another tip:

Popular toys can be used in turns – and a timer can be set for the allowed time. Even small children understand this quite quickly.

The older child's bedroom can be separated by a door gate. The younger child can see in, but cannot run over all the Lego pieces or puzzle pieces. This allows the older child to play with their own things undisturbed.

I wish you every success and peaceful gaming in the future.