Why are punishments no longer useful in adolescence?
Mrs Märki, puberty means letting go.
Puberty is often hard for mothers. Up to now, many have maintained their self-worth through their child, have looked after it, cared for it, been a nurse, cook, taxi driver, comforter and much more. In puberty, this is exactly what falls away. The child explicitly wants more distance and wants parents who lead their own lives. Many mothers have doubts and ask themselves: What am I still there for?
And the great sadness comes?
You should also be allowed to grieve. But then inevitably come the questions: Where is my own life, what else do I want from life, and what could it look like without children?
Is there a way out?
It is healthy if the child resists too much care and says goodbye to childhood. As a mother, you should try to find your self-worth elsewhere. This doesn't have to be at work in the traditional sense, it can be a hobby, an honorary position, your partner.
Rediscover the relationship?
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out in reality. After 14 or 15 years of marriage, there is often dissatisfaction or underlying conflicts that need to be addressed. Partnerships also have to redefine themselves. However, young people want nothing more than for their parents to take good care of their own lives and their partnership.
Children in puberty can be very hurtful with words.
There's no point getting upset about nasty comments made by teenagers. My son once insulted me very badly in a conflict. I later realised that he wanted to silence me because I was pushing him into a corner. The nasty words were probably his last and almost lethal weapon.
Second point of contention: moods. Pubescents are grumpy.
That's the way it is. And you can safely forget it. So have a nice evening and leave the child alone.
Third point of contention: chronic unpunctuality.
A lack of co-operation on the part of the children is not per se bad intent. My daughter was very often late for appointments. Her excuse was always: I forgot the time. At some point I told her I couldn't listen to that any more. There was an argument because she said I didn't believe her. She later told me that it was just so stressful to keep track of time. We talked about how important it is in life to be on time. What's important is interest, which is why the child doesn't manage to co-operate.
How do you have a successful conversation with a pubescent child?
By conducting a dialogue. We engage in dialogue in order to learn something about ourselves, the other person and a topic - not to convince the other person of a preconceived opinion, as in a discussion. A dialogue arises when both sides talk about themselves and listen to each other.
Why are punishments no longer useful in adolescence?
When children don't take their parents seriously, they often use punishments or consequences to get their child to obey. This punishment acts as a kind of satellite in the communication between parent and child: «I've given up trying to get you to take me seriously as a person, so I'm replacing that with punishments that I hope you take more seriously and respect more than you respect me.» For me, that's the start of «skewed» communication.
This is because the adults have to keep inventing new and stricter consequences in order to assert themselves against the children's disrespect. This leads to a family dance that is not conducive to relationships. This is crucial during puberty. A genuine relationship with the child requires parents to reflect and know what they want and why they feel the way they do. And they should also communicate this to the child.
