When sexuality awakens

Beni and Max, both five years old, have retreated to Max's room to play. The usual noises can be heard for a while - things falling to the floor, screeching and swearing. At some point, it is suddenly quiet. Too quiet, the mum thinks, and listens at the nursery door.

She hears rustling and lots and lots of giggling. A few minutes later, the two friends come out, their T-shirts reversed and their heads bright red. In the evening, Mum asks her son what funny thing he has been playing with his friend. «Abzoge and glueget!» says Max, beaming.

Sex education is more than biology, say experts. Parents don't always see it that way.

Tim is thirteen years old. His upper lip is sprouting a delicate fuzz and spots are appearing on his forehead. He has a strong sense of shame. He only wants to change behind closed doors, not even his brother, who is a year younger, is allowed to watch.

He spends a lot of time with his colleagues, watching videos and films together - including those with sex scenes. Kissing is a topic in his class. Not yet for him. Tim has never kissed «properly» before - «it's weird!».

His best friend Dan is different. He has a brother who is four years older and has just had his first time. He is the one who initiates Dan into the secrets of sexuality. The two of them talk a lot together. And Dan has lots of questions: «Is it a criminal offence if I watch porn? How long does a penis have to be? Does it hurt the first time?»

Parents play an important role

Questions that move 12 to 16-year-olds. These are the same questions that interested their parents' generation. «Children and young people today have many channels at their disposal to get information,» says Beatrix Wagner Minder, a counsellor at Pro Juventute's parent counselling service. «Topics such as love and sexuality concern almost all teenagers. Accordingly, there is a lot of discussion and information on the internet.»

Sex education is more than biology, say experts. Parents don't always see it that way. For many, questions about their children's awakening sexuality - doctor games, body awareness, videos - take centre stage.

Children's sexuality itself fades into the background. When girls slide lustfully on chairs and banisters, boys have their hand on their trouser fly or suddenly shower for hours on end, mum and dad are often irritated. Why?

Because their own images and ideas of sex do not or must not fit in with children. Childlike lust and sexuality are big taboos. Parents often don't know how to deal with them in a healthy way. However, parents have an important role to play in the blossoming of children's sexuality. This is the conclusion of the latest study «Perception, interpretation and practice of sexuality education in the informal environment» by the «Swiss Foundation for Sexual and Reproductive Health».

The study was conducted among 27 parents and 70 young people in the three language regions. It shows that parents tend to educate their children in the same way as they were educated themselves. The topics are the same as back then: contraception, reproduction, partnership.

According to the authors Manuela Käppeli, Vanessa Fargnoli and Maryvonne Charmillot, the problem of parents and children talking past each other in the family environment is striking. «Parents believe they know what their children know. However, teenagers perceive this differently and feel a gap between themselves and their parents.»

Teenagers have lots of questions about sex

Children and young people are interested in sex. The latest, as yet unpublished survey by «Lust und Frust», the specialist centre for sex education in Zurich, shows just how much interest there is in sex education programmes that complement school education.

Parents educate their children in the same way they were educated themselves. The topics are the same today as they were in the past.

Over 1000 pupils took part in the survey. According to the results, 89 per cent are «satisfied» to «very satisfied» with the offer (which supplements school sex education). The 12 to 14-year-old age group was particularly interested in specific questions: «Is the condom safe enough or do I also have to take the pill? Why do boys turn into machos? Is it normal if I find giving head scary?»

«The young people particularly appreciate the fact that they can ask their questions anonymously and that they are then discussed in gender-segregated groups,» says Lilo Gander, sexual health specialist in education and counselling at «Lust und Frust».

The specialist centre carries out almost 80 assignments every year. The centre is already fully booked for the current school year. «The demand is much higher than our supply,» says Gander. Of over 100 enquiries, only 78 could be considered.

«The young people verify their information themselves. They want to check whether what they have heard or read is right or wrong,» says Lilo Gander. Take porn, for example: if you ask boys whether sex works in exactly the same way, they deny it and say that a lot of it is an act.

«Contrary to what adults assume, young people can abstract fiction and reality
well,» says Gander. The expert is convinced: «Today's young people are well educated.»

Switzerland has one of the lowest rates of teenage pregnancies in Europe, i.e. unwanted pregnancies among under-18s. Gander: «This also has to do with the fact that young people today can find information about sexuality on various channels. »

Education from birth

Education cannot start early enough, say experts. They are in favour of «education from birth». Closeness, love, physical contact - caregivers play a decisive role in ensuring that a child feels comfortable in its own body and sets appropriate boundaries if it doesn't like something.

Child sexuality should never be seen through the lens of adult sexuality.

Ulrike Schmauch, Professor of Sex Education

«Those who feel safe are also confident about their own sexuality,» says Lilo Gander. In principle, children's sexual development is characterised by experiences and adventures that are not sexual in the strictest sense. This is how Bernadette Schnider-Oester, sex educator at the «Berner Gesundheit» specialist centre, puts it: «For sex education to succeed in the family, parents need to approach their child and not wait until the child asks questions.»

It is important to decide consciously and not too late which tasks parents want to take on themselves and which they feel comfortable leaving to the school, their peers or the media.

«Child sexuality should never be seen through the lens of adult sexuality,» says Ulrike Schmauch, Professor of Sex Education at the Frankfurt University of Applied Science in an interview with «ZEIT».

While adults are strongly fixated on orgasm in their search for pleasure, children - at least the younger ones - do not differentiate between tenderness, sensuality and genital sexuality. They simply use every opportunity to experience pleasurable feelings with all their senses. Sexuality is more self-centred, spontaneous and independent of love and other ideas that adults often associate with it.

Parents do not have to instruct their children to play doctor. But children need places to retreat to where they can explore their bodies.

Ulrike Schmauch, Professor of Sex Education

Parents know that when children are interested in something, they ask questions. No matter what it's about: the question of why women don't have «Zipfeli» is just as interesting to them as the origin of fog or whether it is God who lives in the church. They ask, joke and provoke - to find out what they can say to whom and how.

«Sexual curiosity is part of healthy development,» says Schmauch in DIE ZEIT. It is not necessary to actively instruct children to play doctor like in the past, but «simply allow them to do so and offer them appropriate places to retreat to».

The opportunity to have such a place is enormously important for healthy sexual development. «Children need adults who are curious and relaxed about physicality and pleasure. Who are able to abstract the child's needs from their own needs,» says sex educator Bruno Wermuth.

«Adults should leave certain areas, places and free spaces to children so that they can play there freely and don't feel constantly observed, patronised and controlled.» This requires adults to be at peace with their own gender identity. Only then will they be able to categorise what has happened or react accordingly if children behave differently than expected, says Wermuth.

As various studies have shown, sexually educated young people have their first sexual intercourse later (usually at the age of 17), experiment less and expose themselves to fewer risks. Parents would therefore do well to teach their child that sexuality is something beautiful and pleasurable and not primarily something to worry about. Just like Max and Beni in their innocent afternoon play.

The pictures for this dossier were taken by photographers Sian Davey and Ruth Erdt. British photographer Sian Davey ran a psychotherapy practice for 15 years and has been working as a photographer since 2014. Ruth Erdt's best-known photographic works are «The Gang» and «The Liar». The Zurich native has already photographed the dossier «Pubertät» (9/2015) for Fritz+Fränzi.