When school becomes torture

Mum: Hello. I've called about my son before. The counselling helped me then. This time I would like to tell you where I am at the moment and would be grateful for your professional opinion.

Counsellor: We can do it like that.

Mum: I am the mother of four children aged three to eleven. This is about my nine-year-old daughter, who has been in third grade for a few weeks now. In our canton, we have a change of class and teacher every two years. She is now with a new teacher and the class has also been reorganised. It was difficult among the girls right from the start. Groups formed and I had the impression that there was a lot of stress and fear of being excluded.

Counsellor: How did you experience your daughter during this time?

Mum: She seemed stressed from the start. I tried to be there for her, support her and discuss with her how she could behave - in the hope that this was just a phase.

Counsellor: That sounds like a trusting relationship between you and your daughter.

Mum: Yes, but that wasn't enough. Unfortunately, it got worse. One girl in particular became very dominant and began to rule over others. This all happened in secret. I encouraged my daughter to approach her teacher. In fact, she managed to tell her how challenging the situation among the girls was for her and that she was not doing well.

My daughter has been so unwell since then that I'm worried. She cries a lot, sleeps badly and can no longer concentrate well.

The teacher then had a conversation with the girls. They apparently credibly denied the incidents and trivialised them. Since this conversation, the situation has got even worse because the girls resent my daughter for informing the teacher. My daughter has been so unwell since then that I'm worried. She cries a lot, sleeps badly and can no longer concentrate well. I have the impulse to inform the teacher, but my daughter doesn't want that at all and begs me not to say anything. She fears that it will only get worse. Besides, I'm a nursery school teacher myself and I've decided not to interfere as a mum. I don't want to give the impression that I know better.

Counsellor: I'm beginning to understand what you mean by «pending». On the one hand, you clearly feel that all this is taking on a dimension where the teacher would have to get involved to stop the dynamic. At the same time, it is unclear whether this intervention will really help your daughter. The possibility or idea of things getting worse is not only stressful for your daughter, but also for you. It is difficult to act against your daughter's wishes under these circumstances. In addition, your resolve as a mother not to be a know-it-all teacher gets in the way. It all adds up!

Mum: Yes, exactly. I'm just really scared that it will get worse or that I'll do something wrong.

Counsellor: I can well understand this fear. It's stressful not knowing how the whole thing will develop, what could be helpful and what could make things worse.

Mother: What do you advise me to do?

Counsellor: I'm happy to tell you what's on my mind. I think it's reasonable that you don't want to interfere because you are professionally involved in the school system yourself, as long as your children are doing well or find their own solutions to any difficulties that arise. However, the situation you describe is different.

There is no solution in sight without adult intervention. You have to put your resolution to one side and take on the role of a mother who stands up for her daughter.

Martina Schmid, Consultant

Your daughter seems to be under a lot of pressure and there is no foreseeable solution in sight without adult intervention. In such a situation, I consider it necessary to put your resolution aside and take on the role of a mother who stands up for her daughter. I think it is important and valuable that you supported your daughter in informing the teacher about the incidents and that your daughter had the courage to tackle this herself. She needs to hear that she didn't fail. She was brave and did the right thing, even if it hasn't led to a solution at the moment.

Mother: I am very happy to hear this so clearly.

Counsellor: Back to your question about whether you should inform the teacher. To me, this sounds like a very muddled situation in which the girls need support. Precisely because the incidents are only taking place in unsupervised places, the teacher is dependent on finding out the extent of the conflicts from an outsider. Understandably, your daughter will not agree to this and it would be too much for her if you left this decision to her.

Mum: That feels very coherent and makes sense when I hear it like that.

Counsellor: In the first phase, it can actually get worse. It is therefore essential that you discuss with your daughter which moments she is afraid of and what would help her in these situations. For example, she could always be near the break supervisor during the break or spend this time with a friend in the classroom. In any case, she needs the focussed attention of the teacher. The supportive and clear attitude of the teacher is important and, in my opinion, the involvement of school social work is also necessary. Another option is to contact the school social worker directly, as it is their job to support the teacher in such processes, to work with the class or individual groups on this issue and to empower affected pupils.

Mum: That helps me a lot. I've gained clarity and feel encouraged in what I actually wanted to do. After our conversation, it now feels right. I would like to discuss this with my husband this evening and then decide how to proceed.

Counsellor: I think that's a good idea. You can also call us again at any time and discuss further steps with us.

Mum: Thank you very much and goodbye.

Counsellor: I wish you all the best!