When children leave their parents

It ends with a short sentence: «Mum, take care, that's it now.» With an email or even without words. Suddenly, calls are no longer answered, messages are no longer read and the doorbell is no longer answered. When a child decides to break off contact, it comes as a surprise to many parents. They think that they have done everything for their child and that everything was basically fine.

Many parents suffer greatly from the loss of contact, are desperate, depressed or even angry. «For parents, the sudden silence is a shock and often triggers strong feelings of guilt and shame,» says philosopher Barbara Bleisch, author of the book «Warum wir unseren Eltern nichts schulden» (Why we owe our parents nothing).

If you ask the children, a lot has often happened before this far-reaching step was taken.

Jochen Rögelein, family therapist

Bleisch says that parents then automatically ask themselves the questions «Why?» and «What have I done wrong?». «Our daughter is now 35 years old and broke off contact with us three years ago,» reports Carmen (name changed), for example, who attends a self-help group for abandoned parents in Switzerland with her husband. «She met a man and left us with the statement: «I want to start a new life now». My husband and I suffered a lot and kept trying to get in touch with her.» Both of them had often discussed it, but could not recognise any reasons for breaking off contact.

It is not known how many children turn their backs on their parents. Sociologists estimate that around 100,000 families are affected in Germany. In Switzerland, the proportion is probably similar. «However, it is possible that the issue affects significantly more families,» says Claudia Haarmann, author of the book «Kontaktabbruch in Familien» (Breaking off contact in families) and alternative practitioner for psychotherapy in Essen.

Breaking off contact is a taboo subject that is rarely spoken about openly. According to the author, many parents therefore think they are completely alone. However, dealing with the issue has now become more open. There are now six self-help groups for «abandoned parents» in Switzerland.

Serious incidents and subtle violations

If you ask the children, a lot has often happened before they take this far-reaching step. «The parents often experience the termination as abrupt. But it's more like a barrel that overflows at some point,» says Jochen Rögelein, a systemic family therapist in Munich. «The trigger is often relatively banal - but it often has to do with an issue that has been bothering the child for a long time.» The break-off signals: The contact is not good for me, I want to protect myself from further hurt.

«You should realise that no child wants to leave their parents,» emphasises Rögelein. «It's often a sign from the child that they no longer accept the situation. But it also shows that the child is in distress.» The reasons for a radical break with the parents can be very different.

The parents concerned often had a problematic relationship with their mothers and fathers themselves.

Claudia Haarmann, psychotherapist

Some children have experienced serious things in their family over the years: physical abuse, neglect, their father's alcohol problem, their mentally ill mother's constant mood swings. They are unable to resolve conflicts together through dialogue.

Other factors can be unkindness and coldness in the family, constant reproaches and insults or a strict, unyielding upbringing. «I broke off contact with both parents one after the other,» reports a 35-year-old woman from Germany. «My father was never there for me. He often used to tell me I was a bad person and we often argued. My mum was often ill and had mental health problems. She constantly blamed others for the fact that she wasn't well. Breaking off contact was like a liberation for me.»

However, the negative experiences can also be more subtle. «In many cases, the child was unable to build a secure bond with its parents,» says Rögelein, who works with affected mothers and fathers in his practice, as well as with children who have broken off contact.

«The child was often emotionally disappointed in something: it didn't feel loved, recognised or that its wishes and needs were not being met.» At the same time, there is also a breakdown in communication on both sides behind the termination.

Parents have often tried to do better for their children

The tragic thing is that the parents themselves often had a problematic relationship with their parents and experienced neglect, silence or emotional coldness at home. «They have often tried to do better with their own children,» explains Haarmann. «There are also parents who need their child to satisfy their own needs for love and closeness. Some have then suffocated their children with their closeness or taken all responsibility away from them.» This can lead to a strong desire for distance and independence in the children.

Whether both sides can move towards each other again depends heavily on the degree of the injuries.

Claudia Haarmann

But another point is also important: parents must learn to allow their children to follow their own adult path when they get older. «Some parents still exert a lot of influence even then,» reports Rögelein. «Some «bribe» their child with money or exert pressure to follow a certain path. And in some families, the parents expect the child to «follow in the family's footsteps» - for example in aristocratic or academic families. The children can then only free themselves from their parents' influence with enormous effort: for example, by moving far away or breaking off contact.»

How can a rapprochement succeed after contact has been broken off?

Many parents long to have contact with their children again. At the same time, they are unsure how to behave. Some keep calling or writing emails hoping for an answer or an explanation. But they are also afraid of doing something wrong so that their child becomes even more withdrawn.

So what can parents - and perhaps the children - do to make a rapprochement possible? «Whether both sides can move towards each other again depends very much on the degree of injury - and on how much the positions have already hardened,» emphasises Haarmann.

«In addition, a reorganisation of the relationship must be genuinely wanted by parents and child.» According to the therapist, it is very important that both sides first realise that they have different perceptions of family life - and that they try to empathise with the other. «The child may have felt oppressed, while the father thinks that everything wasn't so bad.»

Parents can ask themselves: What has my child experienced when they say they don't feel loved or accepted? They can learn to listen to their child, recognise their subjective feelings and show them that they take them seriously. Similar processes can also be initiated on the child's side.

Professional help in the form of psychotherapy

Jochen Rögelein takes a similar view. «By being willing to put themselves in the other person's shoes, both sides can learn to develop more understanding for the other,» says the therapist. «In this way, even parents who were previously unable to recognise the reasons for breaking off contact can come to an understanding.»

According to Rögelein, many parents suspect the reasons deep down. However, repression plays a major role here. «Admitting to yourself that something was wrong in the family is incredibly difficult and also painful.» Some parents are so emotionally burdened by their own past that repression is a form of self-protection. «These parents don't have a good foundation from their own childhood,» says Haarmann. «That's why it's subjectively dangerous for them to deal with the reasons that led to the break-up.»

The parents, but also the children, must therefore have the courage to deal with uncomfortable and painful issues. Often, such underlying relationship problems can only be solved with professional support - for example in psychotherapy. «A lot of things in relationships happen unconsciously and the problems are often very complex,» says Rögelein.

Like a knotted ball of wool that is gradually untangled in therapy. In systemic therapy, as conducted by Rögelein, the client does exercises and role-plays in which they put themselves in the shoes of the other family members. «The therapist takes on an impartial role and can thus enable a new perspective on the development,» explains the expert.

Some parents are so emotionally burdened that repression is a form of self-protection.

Jochen Rögelein

For example, a 60-year-old adoptive mother whose 25-year-old son had refused all contact since leaving home - and who then sought therapeutic support. «During the dialogue and role-playing, it became clear that she had always seen her son as a «problem child» and that it was all about the therapies he had received,» reports Jochen Rögelein. «The only way for the son to get away from this and concentrate on his healthy side was to break off contact. The mother then realised this too - and she was able to start giving her son space to find his own way.»

Other parents, on the other hand, come to the conclusion that their child is just difficult or «bad» - or they constantly reproach themselves. «However, such accusations and self-blame lead to nothing,» emphasises Haarmann. «They only mean that someone doesn't really deal with the situation and thus obstruct the path to change.»

Accept the past and do better in the present

Instead, both sides must be prepared to recognise that they have made mistakes in the past - and take responsibility for them. «The children should also look at the bigger picture,» says Haarmann. «They can ask themselves: What made my family like this? What did my parents experience that made them behave so coldly or so unpredictably?»

In the next step, the relationship can then be renegotiated and new rules can be established. «This means, for example, that both sides treat each other as equals, take the other seriously and accept each other as they are,» says Haarmann.

«It is also important to accept that the past can no longer be changed - and to focus on the relationship in the present. "A simple question can often be enough: "How are you?» Because it shows a sincere interest in the other person at that moment.