When children go wandering at night...

Question from a mother:

I always find myself in situations where I find it difficult to work out what is good for the children and what is not. I feel lost in the jungle of advice books and more or less clever books about children. They don't help me.

The two children then sleep with me in the double bed and my husband sleeps on a mattress in the children's room. Or he sleeps with our daughter in the double bed and I sleep with my son on the mattress in the children's room. The children love this layout. My husband and I don't. We're actually quite frustrated by it.

We don't want our son to be frightened, but we don't want to be constantly woken up at night - what can we do?

As the older one used to be afraid to sleep alone, he always came to bed with us. Over time, this became a space problem. For this reason, we found the solution described above. Now, however, our little one keeps waking up during the night and my son's sleep is disturbed as a result. We are now all very tired.

We don't want our big boy to be afraid, but we also don't want to be constantly woken up in the night by a five-year-old. I just don't have the strength for this chaos any more.

Answer from Jesper Juul:

What a mess! I can well understand that you and your husband are frustrated. You have to reconcile the different needs and wishes of many family members - including your own.

The way you describe the development, you must feel that you have failed in your endeavours, especially at night. Your children are left to their own devices because their parents are unable to fulfil their own needs, because you are more or less sacrificing yourself for the needs of your children.

Your children obviously have different sleep preferences. But what they need is not the fulfilment of their wishes, but a clear message from you as parents. Now they need parental guidance, so to speak. Focus on your knowledge of your children's needs and your ability to show them your boundaries.

It will take a few evening visits next to your son's bed until he falls asleep and stays asleep on his own.

In your particular situation as a patchwork family, none of the children should sleep in your bed except for your little daughter. The five-year-old son is probably not afraid, he is simply not used to sleeping alone. It will take a few evening «visits» to his bed before he actually falls asleep on his own and sleeps through the night.

Do not discuss for too long

Firstly, you and your husband need to work out together what you want. As soon as you know this, call a family meeting in which all members take part. Firstly, tell them how frustrated and exhausted you are. You are and that you take responsibility for it. Then tell the children about your decision and allow them to react to it. But don't discuss it for too long! The decision has been made and it stays that way.

If you now think that this is too harsh an approach - don't worry. You've shown every possible respect for the children's needs for a very long time. You've created a wonderful comfort zone for everyone and lovingly cared for those involved.

Now it's up to you to prioritise. Almost half of all one to five-year-old children in the world sleep restlessly and irregularly at night. Even the many guides and books on the subject cannot change this. Not even those that focus exclusively on the needs of children, their idiosyncrasies and bad habits.

The reason is simple: at this turbulent age, the best parents in the world cannot bring order and harmony to the inner states of their offspring. What you can do, however, is create a reliable and safe environment.

About Jesper Juul:

Jesper Jaul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.

Jesper Juul writes regularly and exclusively in Switzerland for the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Order your subscription now!