When children don't make friends
Before you worry unnecessarily as a parent, you should ask yourself whether your child is suffering from the situation. Not all children value friendships in the same way. Some children thrive in a group, others feel comfortable alone or with one or two trusted friends.
Introverted children, for example, enjoy socialising with other children, but need more time to themselves to recharge their batteries. While extroverted children recharge their batteries in a group, introverted children recharge their batteries when they read alone or are outside with a single trusted friend, playing Lego or discovering something.
Extroverted parents often find it difficult to understand the behaviour of introverted children.
The group situation is rather exhausting for these children. And so, after the hustle and bustle of kindergarten or school, they first want to withdraw a little and have some peace and quiet.
Extroverted parents often find it difficult to understand the behaviour of introverted children. They appear withdrawn or inaccessible to them. The more you can engage with your child's nature, the more likely you are to discover the beautiful sides of the quiet child.
These children are often able to occupy themselves very well, can immerse themselves completely in an activity and develop fewer, but often all the more beautiful and stable friendships.
Understanding is the key
If your child wants more contact and friends, you can support them. The more you engage with your child and try to understand their world, the better you will realise what they need and what will help them.
Introverted and shy children find it particularly difficult to make contact - the first phase of friendship, which involves approaching others, phoning or making appointments. You can make this phase easier for your child
We can pick up on the child's wishes and ask what they find difficult. Noemi might respond more easily to her mum if she says, for example: «You'd like to play too ... but you're a bit scared to go down?»
Perhaps Noemi could respond: «Yes, what do I do if they won't let me play?» The mother could realise how difficult it is to be rejected - especially when you hardly have any friends - and work out a strategy together with her daughter.
As an adult, think about how you would behave as a child in a similar situation.
It is often helpful for adults to realise how they would feel and behave in a similar situation.
Suppose you have moved house and would like to get in touch with the neighbours in your new neighbourhood. How would you go about it? If you saw three women in the café round the corner, would you just go over and say: «Can I sit down and have a chat?» Probably not!
Tips for parents of shy children
- The more pressure you apply, the more insecure your child becomes.
- The less understanding you are, the more likely your child will develop the feeling that there is something wrong with them - this is not a good basis for approaching others.
- Encourage your child to take small steps and be happy with them when they make progress.
- Discuss with your child how they have gone about socialising with others and work with them to find strategies that suit their personality.
That would be too intrusive - and embarrassing if the others tell you to your face that they don't want that. Perhaps take a newspaper, sit down at the table next to it and nod to the mum you've already seen at the playground - or briefly introduce yourself.
You could read the newspaper for a while and, during a break in the conversation, turn to the neighbouring table and ask a question. Perhaps the others will ask you to join them at the table. If not, you now know the others a little better - and can make contact more easily the next time you meet them.
Discuss such strategies with your child. For example: «You could take your own Gummitwist with you, attach it to the post and practise on your own. Maybe the others will then ask you if you want to play too. Maybe they need to see you a few times before they let you play». You can also discuss with your child how they can make contact: «What could you say? What could you ask the others?»
Initiate the first contact
You can consider steps to make it easier to get to know each other:
- Invite your neighbour or the mother of a classmate for coffee and give the children the opportunity to get to know each other.
- Let your child take a friend with them on outings. Noemi would probably find it easier to ring the doorbell of a neighbour's child if she was allowed to make a concrete offer: «We're going to the zoo on Wednesday afternoon. Would you like to come with us?»
Structured leisure activities such as clubs or courses also offer the opportunity to get to know other children. Think together with your child about how they could invite children they meet in this way to their home.
