In my day-to-day work as a psychologist, one topic keeps cropping up: parentification. When I shared the idea on social media of writing an article about it and asked for people's experiences, my inbox was flooded with hundreds of personal accounts.
One mother recounts: «There were six of us children, and we were home alone when the youngest died of sudden infant death syndrome. I still wonder to this day why anyone would leave so many children on their own. From that moment on, my mother suffered from severe panic attacks and was never able to shake them off.»
From then on, I had to stay at home whenever my dad was at work and Grandma didn't have time. Whether I was at a friend's house or out and about, I'd get a phone call and had to come home. Shopping, cooking, tidying up! My two older siblings hardly helped at all.
Three more children were born. I was 14 when my youngest brother was born. I took him to the paediatrician more often than my mother did; I changed his nappies, fed him and took him out in the pram. I took my younger siblings to their music lessons, one in the front child seat, the other in the back of the bike. I rang the electricity supplier and sorted everything out whenever the bill hadn't been paid. I had to go and buy beer or cigarettes only with written permission. Putting that sort of responsibility on a child really takes its toll on you.»
What is parentification?
Parentification refers to a reversal of roles in which children are forced to take on parental responsibilities that are not age-appropriate and which usually hinder their own development.
In cases of instrumental parentification, children take on everyday tasks such as cleaning, cooking, shopping, looking after siblings, translating or dealing with correspondence. They do not simply carry out a «chore» or help their parents here and there, but feel under pressure to take on responsibility alone because their parents are barely able to do so.
If children are forced into the role of parents, they are hardly able to recognise, express or defend their own needs and boundaries.
Emotional parentification is considerably more subtle, but has been shown to be far more serious. The child is forced into the role of an adult who must maintain harmony, act as a confidant to a parent, or look after the emotional wellbeing of their siblings.
One woman affected by this describes it as follows: «I always felt responsible for my mother's happiness. Like a partner, because my father and she didn't have a functioning relationship. We children were the centre of her life. We were responsible for whether she felt good or bad.»
Poverty, language barriers or relationship problems
Parentification occurs particularly frequently when a parent suffers from a mental or physical illness, a family member dies, or there is poverty or a language barrier. Many of those affected also cite serious relationship problems as a trigger, as the following example shows: «My parents separated when I was 15. My siblings had moved out and said that, as the youngest child still at home, I now had to look after my grieving mother. I had to pass messages back and forth between my parents and act as a go-between. I found it absolutely awful.»
Girls and older children, in particular, seem to be «parentified» within families. Furthermore, it often affects children who, from an early age, come across as sociable, helpful and sensible.
Parentification has serious consequences
When children are forced into the role of parent, they are robbed of a part of their childhood and youth. Some live in constant fear that a parent might take their own life, become violent again, or that something might happen to them whilst under the influence. Many of those affected describe the suffocating sense of responsibility that comes from always having to take care of everything on their own, keeping everything under control, and never being allowed to say no.
Their needs and boundaries have been disregarded so often that they have scarcely been able to recognise, express or defend them. Instead, those affected quickly feel guilty when they turn down a request, want to rest or do something for themselves. External expectations that they should always be strong, reliable and available, and that they should meet everyone else's needs, can lead to perfectionism and conditional self-worth: «I am only worth something if I am there for others and always meet their expectations.»
All these experiences usually have a lasting impact on adult life. Particularly when children have been emotionally parentified over a prolonged period, the risk of depression, anxiety disorders, burnout, addiction and psychosomatic symptoms increases.
What's more, painful experiences of this sort often resurface when one becomes a mother or father oneself. Some people then cast their child in the very same role they themselves once had to fulfil – partly out of habit, partly out of exhaustion: «I sacrificed so much of my childhood for so many years; now it's my turn!»
Others try to break the cycle, work through their experiences in therapy and try to forge new paths. But even then, parenthood often stirs up conflicting and painful feelings: one is glad that one's own children are better off and can enjoy their lives so carefree – whilst at the same time mourning one's own lost childhood. You spare your own children from household chores, but secretly get annoyed at how comparatively «lazy» they are and that you end up having to sort everything out on your own again.
What protects those affected?
Many parents report just how difficult they find it to strike the right balance. They immediately feel guilty when they show their feelings or ask their child to tidy their room or look after their younger sibling for a short while. Their fear is too great that the child will – just as they did back then – feel responsible for the family's well-being or their parents’ emotions.
According to research, there are protective factors that mitigate the effects of parentification. These include other adult caregivers with whom the child feels safe, and hobbies that allow the child simply to be a child.
Children are not responsible for the welfare of their parents or family.
External support, such as therapy or family counselling, also helps. If the child is allowed to speak openly to others about their parents’ addiction or depression, the pressure to lie for them, keep everything a secret and cope on their own is reduced.
Many of those affected also describe how valuable it was to have a teacher or neighbour who made it clear: children are not responsible for the well-being of their parents or family. What is being placed on your shoulders is not acceptable. Ultimately, it would help many parentified people if their parents were to come to this very realisation. All too often, families cling to the belief that they have, after all, «managed everything well together» and that the child has become «so mature and sensible» precisely because they shouldered so much responsibility from an early age.
