What to do when Grandma is annoying?

A grandmother looks after her granddaughters regularly and constantly talks to them about their weight problems. The father has great difficulty with this. That's what our team of experts says.

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One question - three opinions

My mother-in-law constantly talks to our daughters, aged nine and eleven, about her own weight problems and warns them not to eat too much or they will get fat. She also regularly praises our older - very slim - daughter for her good figure. I have already asked my mother-in-law several times to stop doing this - to no avail. The girls are with her twice a week over lunch. What can I do?

Norbert, 48, Mettmenstetten ZH

What our team of experts says:


Nicole Althaus
Well - there you have the salad. And one without calories. At other people's tables, other people's rules apply. That's basically my attitude, and I'm sure you're grateful for someone else's cooking. It's good that you spoke to your mother-in-law. Even better if you talk to your daughters and openly articulate why you think their grandmother's obsession with weight is problematic. The kids are old enough to develop their own attitude to food. And mature enough to learn that rarely everyone at the table agrees.
Annette Cina
Focus on what you will have more influence on than your mother-in-law's behaviour: your children. Ask them whether they have a problem with what their grandmother says and whether it makes them feel insecure. Talk to them about what worries you. This is a good opportunity to teach the children how to deal with the views and opinions of others. Explain your different opinion and reassure your children that they are completely okay the way they are. This will help them learn that there are many opinions. Not everything that others say is right. You are allowed to go your own way.
Peter Schneider
Your mother-in-law is a stubborn case - like most people who plague themselves and others with weight and figure problems. Such everyday anorexia (below the level of actual anorexia) is not uncommon and can hardly be eliminated by «sensible» conversations. As with real anorexia, this behaviour is quite compulsive. So the best place to start is with your children: Tell them (without making a big deal out of it) that grandma is just a bit nuts about these issues and that what grandma lets out about weight, food and figure is rubbish.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 52, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 65, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
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