What should you do if your child is constantly glued to their mobile phone?
15-year-old Anna spends far too much time on her mobile phone, according to her parents, who therefore seek advice from the parent helpline. The counsellor talks to the mother and father and shows them ways in which they can reconnect with their daughter.
Mother: «Anna is always on her mobile phone, before and after school and in her room in the evening. It's really bad at the weekends.»
Father: «She is often unresponsive.»
Mum: «It scares me. She withdraws. Our child disappears. If we speak to her or ask for her mobile phone, she screams and insults us with swear words. It's so hurtful.»
Father: «In the beginning, she was good with her mobile phone. She also kept herself busy with other things, made appointments with colleagues and enjoyed practising handball.»
Mother: «Then her behaviour changed, unfortunately.»
You cannot completely control your child's behaviour.
Consultant: «What specifically has changed?»
Mum: «Anna avoided contact with us and became more aggressive. She now only takes part in family life very rarely. I get the impression that she keeps a lot of things from us, including things to do with her mobile phone. That makes me anxious.»
Father: «I feel so powerless and at the mercy of others.»
Counsellor: «It is commendable that you as parents are taking responsibility and seeking counselling. What you are experiencing sounds stressful. It requires a lot of strength and is challenging for you. I wonder what can be helpful for you so that you feel less at the mercy of your daughter and can feel a little more self-efficacious again.»
Mum: «It would be nice not to always have to react to situations.»
Counsellor: "A first step can be to focus more on yourself and your feelings and then decide how you want to behave in the challenging situation with Anna. You then pursue an intention that you as a parent can determine. You cannot completely control your child's behaviour. Not even her mobile phone behaviour. However, you can guide yourself and your actions, which can change your expectations of your daughter and reduce your pressure.
Even if your daughter rejects offers, they are meaningful and important. They show your bond with her.
In this way, you can relate to a situation as parents and feel more self-efficacious again. This can help you to remain in dialogue with Anna despite the difficult situation and to be more present for yourself and in your daughter's life again. Is it possible for you to offer your daughter relationships during this tense time? For example, you could do something with her that she enjoys. Or you could cook her favourite meal. Or you could watch a film together that your daughter can choose."
Mum: «She would probably turn down such offers.»
Counsellor: «Even if she rejects your offers, they are meaningful and important. Attentive relationship gestures show your daughter that you are there as parents. They show your bond with her. This can give your daughter a sense of security.»
If you are constantly in heated arguments and worried about your child, it can happen that shared experiences are neglected. But they are important.
Mother: «What you say shows me that in challenging situations I should also look at myself and how I feel and not just at my daughter's behaviour. And to feel how I feel about it. That helps me to feel a little less at the mercy of the situation.»
Father: «I realise that I have also withdrawn because I can no longer stand her outbursts and the power struggles. I miss the good times we had together.»
Counsellor: «It's great that you feel this need. If you're constantly in heated arguments and worried about your child, it can happen that shared experiences are neglected. But they are important.»
The parental emergency call
For almost 40 years, the Elternnotruf association has been an important point of contact for parents, relatives and professionals for issues relating to everyday family and parenting life - seven days a week, around the clock. Counselling is available by phone, email or on site. www.elternnotruf.ch
Here, the counsellors report on their day-to-day work.
Mum: «When we have moments like this, I really enjoy them!»
Counsellor: «I'm glad to hear that. Use one of these good moments to have a conversation with your daughter. Think beforehand about what worries you about Anna's behaviour and which specific behaviours you would like to see changed. Mobile phone behaviour, for example, does not necessarily have to be the main focus. As parents, agree on a few changes you would like to see. During the conversation, tell Anna that you miss the good times you had with her, that you would like them back and that you love her.»
Dad: «Shouldn't we still agree on a daily time limit for mobile phone use and draw up an agreement for her to sign?»
Advisor: «It makes more sense to arrange times without a mobile phone. For example, at dinner and in a time slot before bedtime. It's important that all family members, including you as parents, stick to them.»
Mother: «We can be a role model.»
Advisor: "Sensible mobile phone use is not just an issue for our children. It may be that your offer and your requests for change are not immediately accepted by Anna. Persevere with your attitude and your wishes for change.
Let your curiosity guide you and let her explain the digital world to your daughter.
It can be helpful to offer your child alternatives to mobile phone use. What could you do together instead? Cooking together, playing a game again. Positioning yourself as a parent, your clear attitude and your willingness to support your daughter will have a lasting effect on your child. Always maintain a benevolent relationship. Connect with your child. Connect as parents."
Mum: «It's good to look at the situation calmly and from a distance.»
Counsellor: «It is difficult to find solutions under stress. It is therefore important that the family as a whole can calm down. This works better if the well-rehearsed patterns of escalation can be interrupted and the focus of attention is once again more focussed on what works. This is not the solution in every case, but it calms the emotions.»
Father: «Anna has already said that her mobile phone is a private matter and that we shouldn't interfere.»
Advisor: «Keep talking to her about this topic. Let your curiosity guide you and let her explain the digital world to your daughter. See if and to what extent she allows it. Be persistent here too. You may have to overcome your own resistance, prejudices or judgements. Take an interest in Anna's interests. It is also a good idea to explain the risks and dangers to your child and discuss them with her in a calm situation. Tell her that you as parents are taking responsibility for her well-being because you love her and want to be there for her.»
Father: «That's an exciting approach for me.»
Mother: «I feel that my thoughts are becoming lighter and choices are opening up.»
- Make your child relationship offers even in difficult times.
- Let your child explain the digital world to you.
- Be persistent in your attitude.
