What makes a good godmother?
What, already? Wasn't it only yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time? I wasn't a mum yet. But I felt that first tinge of unconditional love and a deep sense of responsibility for a little human being. Today, a young man with a deep voice sends me a WhatsApp voice message thanking me for wishing him a happy 18th birthday.
Giving time and closeness
«Above all, give the gift of time. It's the most valuable thing you can give your godchild!» is the advice many guides give to future godparents. My guilty conscience skyrockets in no time at all. I've been travelling with my family all the time for almost four years now. There are hardly any opportunities to spend time with my godchildren.
Unconsciously, there was also the desire to bind friends to us through the sponsorship.
When our first child was born in England, the geographical proximity of potential godparents was not particularly important to us. I grew up in Switzerland, my husband in northern Germany. We got to know each other in Scotland. Many of our mutual friends live all over Europe. So we looked at other criteria.
Who should be a sponsor?
Parents often ask their siblings to take on a godparent role. This makes sense, as this connection is often naturally enduring. For example, the only uncle in the family should definitely also become godfather to our first child.
The child should not be responsible for maintaining the relationship with the godparents.
First and foremost, we wanted the godparents to be people we could trust and who would watch our children grow up with benevolence. We hoped that our daughters would find another adult contact person in them. Especially when they were fed up with us and needed a different perspective. Rather unconsciously, there was also a desire to make friends through the sponsorship.
Take doubts seriously
She wasn't very good at it, said a friend when we asked her to be our younger daughter's godmother. «It'll be fine,» we thought. We brushed aside our doubts. For a while, my daughter received small gifts for Christmas. She drew for her godmother and wrote little letters to England. Replies were increasingly rare.
At some point, when it looked like the roles were reversed, we gave up. The child shouldn't be responsible for maintaining the relationship. The silence hurts. But it wouldn't be right to blame the girlfriend for it. She was sceptical about the task right from the start. We just didn't want to admit it.
Would it be smarter not to define gods and goddesses at birth, but much later?
A similar story unfolded with the older daughter's godmother. Occasionally asking how she was doing? A card for her birthday? There too, a lull. Our conclusion: friendships are not strengthened by being godparents. Perhaps the friendly relationships were even weakened by our expectations?
Until the Middle Ages, it was mostly adults who received the sacraments (baptism, Holy Eucharist and confirmation). The role of the godparents was to bear witness to the integrity of the person and to accompany them in their preparation.
It was not until around the year 800 that infant baptism became the norm. Godparents took on the profession of faith for babies in their name. They were responsible for introducing the child to the faith. Especially if the parents did not fulfil this duty.
Responsibility for the child in the event of the parents' death
The word «godfather» comes from the Latin Pater spiritualis or Patrinus, which means «spiritual father» or «little father». The name «Gotti» or «Götti», as it is used in Switzerland, obviously goes back to the Germanic word for «god».
In Switzerland, it was common practice until the middle/end of the 19th century for godparents to take responsibility for children if their parents died prematurely. It was only then that various laws were introduced to regulate state responsibility for orphans.
Today, parents have the option of drawing up a custody will in the event of their unexpected death. In this document, they can stipulate that a godparent should assume guardianship of their child.
Luck with the replacement goddess
A very close friend of mine built up a bond with both children from the very beginning. She showed «natural goddess behaviour», so to speak. When my older daughter was twelve years old, she asked this friend if she could be her godmother of choice. She wrote a letter explaining her lack of closeness to the «official» godmother. Beforehand, I spoke to the chosen one to make sure she was okay with it. And how!
She now acts as a surrogate Goddess for both girls. She sends them little messages every week via WhatsApp. And this despite the fact that she has two small children, including a lack of sleep and her hands full. Her interest is loving and genuine. My own godchildren have hardly ever received so much attention from me. My guilty conscience is at its peak.
The choice of godparents for our children would be different today.
In the meantime, I'm wondering whether it would be fundamentally smarter not to determine gods and goddesses at birth. Especially if there is no Christian basis for the role. And even then: my husband was only baptised as a teenager at his own request - he immediately asked the pastor herself if she would be his godmother. For him, she was the adult reference person outside the nuclear family who gave him exactly what he needed. The choice of godparents for our children would be different today, at least in part.
Godfather for life
Would the parents of my godchildren, or even they themselves, choose me a second time today? My self-assessment as a godparent is rather below average. Which hopefully doesn't mean that I'm completely unsuitable for the role.
For me, the role of godmother doesn't end when I come of age. Perhaps the significance even increases then?
I am extremely fond of all three of my Gotti children. All three have wonderful parents who have a trusting relationship with their children. Their well-being is looked after on all levels. So hopefully my shortcomings as a godparent have little negative impact on their lives.
For me, the role of godparent doesn't end when a child comes of age. Perhaps the importance of godparents even increases in the first few years of adulthood? Young adult life is full of questions, challenges and crossroads. It could be an advantage to have a godfather or godmother in your back pocket. In any case, my doors always remain open - for all my godchildren.
Incidentally, I also have a godfather. I still love the case of 120 coloured pencils from Faber-Castell that I received for my 16th birthday. My daughters recently drew with it and once again sorted them all nicely by colour. My goddess hasn't forgotten a single one of my birthdays to this day. And that's quite a lot now.
