What is life like with a latecomer?

When my daughter started school, my eldest son passed his A-levels. While my friends toasted the fact that their children had successfully completed the learning marathon, I went back to field one with my youngest child.

When I started school, everything seemed familiar and unreal at the same time: I no longer knew most of the teachers and the parents around me seemed somehow youthful. All of a sudden, I realised that I was no longer a young mother like I had been with my sons. I was now playing in the league of experienced mums.

I often feel like I'm living two lives as a mum.

I actually feel more relaxed in my second round as a mum and like to sit back and relax when other parents talk about topics that don't trigger much more than déjà vu for me. Nevertheless, everything is different from the first time.

Almost like an only child

My children are twelve years apart in age and I often feel like I'm living two lives as a mum. My first began in my late twenties when I had twins and a third son shortly afterwards. My second life as a mum started a decade later when I was expecting my daughter - the little sister of three much older brothers.

The boys were just becoming more independent, going to holiday camps on their own for the first time and going through puberty when my daughter started clearing out bookshelves and speaking her first words. In the meantime, two of my sons no longer live at home, while the third is drawn away for the summer. My daughter, who is now nine years old, is growing up almost like an only child - in complete contrast to her brothers - even though she is not one.

Her older siblings have little presence in everyday life. Due to their large age difference, the little sister and her brothers live in different worlds. Their childhoods were also very different: my sons grew up close together, slept in the same room for years and played football together in the garden every day.

At the dinner table, as the three of us were always in the majority, we talked almost exclusively about «children's topics». It was about annoying maths tests, Panini pictures or when the boys would see their father, from whom I had separated early on. My daughter usually shares her everyday life with both her parents and only occasionally with her siblings.

Brothers as protectors instead of playmates

Nevertheless, she has a close relationship with her now grown-up brothers, who are more protectors than playmates. Although she wishes for a younger sister for her birthday every year, she is proud of the big boys in the family, who are the envy of her friends. Recently, a boy from her class even wanted her brother's autograph, as he is captain of the A team at the local football club.

My daughter currently has the closest relationship with him, her brother who is ten years older, because their contact is the most intensive. He still lives in the same parental home and was also the one who played with her the most when she was a toddler and occasionally read to her in the evenings. She is also very familiar with her twin brothers, who are twelve years older, but the intensity of the relationship depends on how often she sees them and how much they interact with her. One of the twins moved in with his father years ago, he was also abroad for a long time and therefore not as present as his twin, who is more domestic and more regularly at home.

Recently, they all went to an FC Basel game together - this not only made my daughter happy, but also me as a mother, as I realise that my sister is now not just «the little one», but more and more an equal sibling.

Hardly any arguments or jealousy

Due to the family constellation, there were hardly any jealousy scenes between the siblings. The twins were always two anyway, so my third son couldn't knock anyone off their throne after he was born. When the new arrival joined our family, the twins were the «big ones» and the middle son sometimes looked up to them or played with his little sister like a child again, depending on his mood.

The brothers also work as babysitters, which of course has advantages for us parents.

Even today, there is no competition between the siblings, there is hardly any friction, but there are also rarely any joint activities - unless they are specially organised. From time to time, the brothers do something with their sister, take her to the cinema or, as they did recently, to the stadium.

If necessary, they also act as babysitters, which of course has advantages for us parents. For my daughter, however, it's always a case of saying goodbye when her brothers pack their bags after a weekend visit - she feels much the same as I do. We both suffered when the older ones left home or even went abroad.

What makes me nervous sometimes

Even though one of my sons still lives at home, he has his own rhythm. At the weekend, for example, he is usually still in a deep sleep when my daughter, my husband and I have breakfast. As a result, there are often three of us in everyday life and the three-way constellation within the «nuclear family» quickly leads to two parties forming, as the only child at the table knows exactly how to get his father or me on his side.

Watching my child play alone sometimes makes me nervous. I always feel under pressure to keep my daughter company.

While my sons have played and argued with each other for years, my daughter has no counterpart to measure herself against and ally herself with. So she not only learnt early on to assert herself on her own, but also to keep herself busy. When she paints, does arts and crafts or plays with Playmobil, she is rarely bored, even without her siblings present.

However, the sight of a child playing alone sometimes makes me a little nervous. I always feel under pressure to keep my daughter company. We organise more leisure activities for her than we did for her brothers back then and have even taken a friend of hers on holiday with us so that she has someone her own age to play with. I don't want her to feel alone - although she never expresses this feeling.

Promotingcohesion

Our latecomer is much more the centre of attention than her brothers ever were. But they always had each other as allies and playmates. When my children are all grown up, they will have completely different memories of their childhood and youth.

The boys grew up close to each other as siblings, but with a single mother. As a result, my sons were regularly with their father at the weekend and also had to deal with conflicts between their parents.

I had to get used to no longer simply deciding things on my own, but thinking together as parents.

My daughter, on the other hand, is growing up as an only child, but together with both her parents. Her father is very present in her life and does a lot with her. I no longer have to cope with everyday life on my own, but have a lot of support within the partnership. But I've also had to adapt and get used to no longer simply planning and deciding things on my own, but thinking together as parents.

Each of the children probably experiences both good and difficult moments in their own family constellation - and that's exactly how I feel as a mum. It's important to me to promote cohesion between my children and still go on holiday together occasionally so that we can experience each other as a family for longer than just a weekend.

I notice that the older the little sister gets, the more mutual understanding and interest there is between the siblings. There are more and more common themes between the older and younger children and I am already looking forward with excitement to the time when the age difference between the children will hardly play a role and they will meet as equals.