What do you need for a happy family life?

Jasmin Bauer remembers the moment that turned her life upside down as if it were yesterday. «I was 19 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with breast cancer,» says the now 35-year-old. It was a shock. Until then, her life had seemed perfect. «I was very happy in my job, had married the man I loved and we were expecting our dream child.»

For the young woman and her husband Michael, a tough time began with chemotherapy during pregnancy, followed by an operation after the birth of the child and a subsequent stay in hospital. Michael had to look after the newborn alone for the first few weeks.

Dealing with stressful events can bring about positive change.

That was nine years ago. Today, Jasmin lives in Thurgau with her husband and their three children. She has recovered from the cancer. What has remained is the fear of a relapse. The illness has left its mark on family life. Surprisingly, however, not only in a negative way.

Today she says: «Michael and our daughter Emily have a very deep bond thanks to this intense time at the beginning. And we as a family have found happiness again.»

But how is it that people find their way back into life after a stroke of fate such as a serious illness, long-term unemployment or the death of a loved one and sometimes even emerge stronger from these difficult times? And what can we all learn from them?

Post-traumatic growth

Jasmin and Michael have gone through a process that psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun from the University of North Carolina call «post-traumatic growth». By this they mean a positive psychological change that can occur when people have had to deal with stressful events.

Some relationships do not survive difficult phases, others deepen during this time.

These can be traumatising experiences in the narrower sense, such as violence or witnessing a natural disaster, but also other serious life events such as being left after a long-term relationship or losing your job.

The two researchers found that coping with such events and adapting to the new circumstances leads to personal development in at least one of the following five areas for a large proportion of people:

1. experience support

Crises put relationships to the test: Some relationships do not survive difficult phases, others deepen during this time. At the same time, some people develop more empathy from their own experience of suffering and helplessness. Michael and Jasmin also say: «Feeling the support of our family and friends made us grateful and happy.»

2. become aware of your strength

In a moment of weakness and helplessness, unexpected strength can be released within us. Jasmin says: «After the initial shock, it was clear to me that I would fight for myself and our baby!» This feeling of self-efficacy and strength often only emerges long after the stressful event. Many people describe how the small worries and hardships of everyday life are put into perspective and you realise: I've already dealt with much worse.

3. develop new perspectives

Anyone who is confronted with their own finiteness or the death of a loved one, or stands before the ruins of their own existence, inevitably asks themselves existential questions: Am I satisfied with my life? What do I regret? Am I leaving behind what is important to me?

Anyone who has had to experience how quickly life can fall apart at the seams sometimes becomes more mindful.

After a life-threatening event, people often say that they have been given a second life and that they want to live it more consciously. This often leads to a reflection on family, a professional reorientation or a step that they previously lacked the courage to take.

4. greater appreciation for one's own life

In everyday life, we often act as if we have an infinite amount of time. We then postpone things that are really important to us until later in order to take care of something seemingly urgent or fulfil material desires. Anyone who has had to experience how quickly life can fall apart at the seams sometimes becomes more mindful and can savour the moments in the here and now more consciously.

5. spirituality

Extreme situations motivate people to search for meaning in their lives. Some find a stronger connection to religion or spirituality in general, others feel a greater connection with other people, nature or life itself.

For Jasmin, her faith deepened in the course of her cancer: «One of the biggest anchors for me during this time of fear was my faith in God. He gave me strength and held his hands over me and our child. Trusting in faith strengthened me. I can still fall back on this depth of faith.»

Processing heavy loads takes time

Knowing that you can also grow from difficult situations can give people hope in crises. It would be fatal to derive from this a demand to view the experience «positively» or to see the «crisis as an opportunity».

As an overview of various studies by Judith Mangelsdorf, Professor of Positive Psychology, and her team from 2019 shows, it takes time to wring positive aspects out of heavy burdens.

Post-traumatic growth usually occurs at the earliest one and a half years after the event and is more likely to occur if the environment is patient, understanding and offers security. Post-traumatic growth is characterised by the fact that, looking back, we see drastic experiences and how we overcame them in a new light.

Experiences that were previously seen as pointless and painful are enriched by other sensations and thoughts.

With time and more distance, the way you think about a traumatic experience can change.

For 34-year-old Carina Schmidt from the canton of Lucerne, her world initially collapsed when she learnt that her son would be born with a mental disability. She was stunned, refused to accept the fact and worried that she would not be able to build a relationship with her child.

Today, 18 years later, she says: «Our son enriches us. He brings a great warmth to the family. He opens the hearts of the people he meets.» This has contributed significantly to the fact that she herself has become less focussed on performance and success. "Connecting with others and enjoying life have become more important to me.

As a family, we have learnt that it is completely normal and okay to be different from the average person. I think we feel less pressure to conform to norms and we are more open to people who are different in some way."

How can you promote post-traumatic growth?

Post-traumatic growth does not mean blocking out difficult aspects or unpleasant feelings. Rather, it means allowing yourself to experience feelings such as gratitude, hope and connectedness in retrospect. You may discover that you have gained maturity, sharpened your focus on what is important in life and become more crisis-proof.

Research shows that people often initially try to repress a difficult experience or ponder for a long time why it happened to them of all people. With time and more distance, sometimes through dialogue or therapy, the way you think about what happened can change.

Dealing constructively with difficult events

Psychologist Philip Watkins and his team from Eastern Washington University wanted to find out whether people can be helped to consciously view drastic life events from a growth perspective. They asked test subjects to write for 20 minutes on each of three days about an event that was still bothering them.

While one group only wrote about the event and their stressful feelings, the other group was to approach it from a perspective of gratitude and write about the positive consequences of the experience, even if at first glance they probably only perceived negative things about it.

This group was subsequently better able to let go of the experience. They were less often haunted by painful images and thoughts of the stressful event and found the memory of it less unpleasant.

Perhaps there is also a moment in your family life that you find difficult to let go of, even after a long time: An experience that still triggers sadness, anger, fear or insecurity in you. It can be healing to write down this event and answer the following questions about it:

• From today's perspective, was there anything that this experience was good for?
• Have I learnt anything important from this experience or developed new skills and strengths that enrich my life today?
• Was I able to use this experience for myself or others in any way?
• Have there been relationships that have grown as a result and for which I am grateful today?
• Were there other, pleasant experiences that I might not have been able to have without this event (for example, because I met someone or changed something in my life as a result of this event)?
• Has this event helped me to become clearer about what I want in my life and what I don't want?
• In what way have I become more mature as a result?
• Am I better equipped for future challenges as a result of the event?

It is helpful to write down the answers and repeat this exercise several times. Sometimes nothing comes to mind at the first attempt or you feel an inner resistance to such questions. Over time, you may discover new and unexpected aspects as you write them down - without having to put on rose-coloured glasses and simply block out the painful aspects.

Many of us are trapped in the daily grind. The years go by and we are generally doing well, but do we really feel alive and organise our lives in such a way that we look back on them with pleasure?

When we lose sight of happiness in everyday life

Especially when we are actually doing well, there is a danger that we will miss out on our happiness. We fall into a trap that positive psychology calls the hedonistic treadmill. We are always chasing the next happiness kick that comes along when we afford something new, climb a rung higher on the career ladder or plan an even more special holiday.

We are driven by the thought: «If I have this or that, I will finally be happy», only to soon realise that happiness doesn't last and that after a brief high we are back to square one.

Especially when we are actually doing well, there is a danger that we will miss out on our happiness.

Research into post-traumatic growth can remind us all of what really matters and contributes to a successful life in the long term. Crises can make us painfully aware that we cannot take what we have for granted.

What would it be like if I earned more money, got that promotion, was slimmer and more athletic or my children were better behaved, more grateful and successful at school? We often imagine what we would still like to achieve or what we still need to be happy.

This is completely natural and can drive us to set goals and work towards them. At the same time, the gap between reality and our ideal creates dissatisfaction and pressure.

How we can become more grateful even without a drastic experience

But perhaps we don't need a crisis to see and appreciate all that is valuable in our lives? If we realise that the maelstrom of daily grind and dissatisfaction is dragging us down, «mental subtraction» can help us.

We think of something that is important to us: a friendship, one of our children, our partner, our beautiful home, our exciting job or our health, and imagine what it would be like if it were suddenly missing.

What would it be like if I had never met this person, this child had never been born or I was unemployed tomorrow? At first, these ideas can be quite oppressive. But by realising what we would be missing, we become more grateful for what we have and can enjoy it more.