«We tend to teach children responsibility»

Mrs Ordnung, how do we teach children to take responsibility?

Perhaps first of all: when I talk about responsibility, I am referring to the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, who ascribed a social and a personal dimension to the term. According to him, social responsibility is the form of responsibility that we bear for each other as a family, school class or society. It enables us to live in community.

If I offer as much service as possible, the children will co-operate - and let themselves be served.

Every person bears personal responsibility for themselves - for their physical and mental health, their development. It requires a good sense of one's own needs and the ability to stand up for them.

In my view, the most important question is: what can parents do to ensure that children do not lose awareness of their personal responsibility? Because we tend to teach them not to.

You have to explain that.

Children are born as responsible beings. For example, an infant takes responsibility for its need for food or physical contact with its modest resources by drawing attention to itself by crying, smiling or making eye contact.

However, they are dependent on an empathetic carer who reacts to their signs. In the past, it was assumed that babies were reflex bundles, which is how they were treated. Fortunately, there has been a paradigm shift. But even today we are not immune to raising children according to rigid ideal standards and thus disregarding their needs. This has consequences.

Namely?

Knowing your own needs and boundaries and being able to stand up for them, i.e. taking personal responsibility, is an important prerequisite for healthy psychological development and the ability to maintain sustainable relationships.

In parenting, we often follow the motto: I do something for you, in return you should be obedient, grateful, hard-working or in a good mood.

For this, a child needs adults who also respect their needs and boundaries, i.e. who preserve their integrity. A young person who learns in this way that personal responsibility must be respected will also fulfil their social responsibility without constantly attaching conditions to it.

In parenting, however, we often proceed according to the motto: I do something for you, in return you should be obedient, grateful, hard-working or in a good mood. In the long term, we undermine the child's needs and their willingness to work for the common good without asking for anything in return. That's what I mean by taking away responsibility.

Should parents fulfil a child's every wish?

Knowing your needs and boundaries well and being able to articulate them doesn't mean that I get everything I want as a child. But I want to be able to express my wishes and have someone who recognises me, even if the answer is: I can see that you would like that now, but it's not available right now.

How do parents show their children what it means to take responsibility?

By taking responsibility for their own feelings and actions instead of pushing them off.

It is easy to take responsibility for things that have gone well. But if something fails, adults often look for reasons as to who or what could be to blame: The food has burnt because my partner asked me something, the phone rang, the children were arguing. Instead, I could say: I burnt the food - I got distracted.

If something goes wrong, I may be annoyed, but I don't have to blame anyone else.

Nevertheless, people get upset.

We can grumble and get angry. But let's be clear about all of this: The anger is mine. If I manage to do this as a parent more often, the child will pick up on it and understand: If something goes wrong, it may annoy me, but I don't have to blame anyone else. I also think constant moralising is problematic.

What do you mean by that?

«I told you so!» - How often does this sentence slip out. Be it when we fail an exam because we haven't learnt enough, or when a child falls out of a tree even though we told them it was too high. It's easier for a child to take responsibility for mistakes and mishaps if we don't moralise - it will learn from its experiences.

Let's move on to the community: How do parents promote social responsibility?

Humans are born as social beings. Getting involved, co-operating with those on whose care they depend - we don't really have to teach children this, they have it in them. Every child wants to realise that they are a valuable part of the community, and it is up to parents to let them experience this.

How?

What parents must bear alone is the responsibility for the quality of the family climate and the relationship with the children. They can neither share nor delegate responsibility for this; children would be overwhelmed.

Parents therefore have to decide how they want to organise family life, what kind of parents they want to be. If I believe that I am fulfilling my parenting role well by offering as much service as possible, the children will co-operate - and allow themselves to be served.

We should not expect the child to accept our request with joy. But we can insist that they comply.

Toddlers still want to help out, but kindergarten children are already starting to take an interest in other things. Then it's important that I get involved and say: I want you to take the rubbish down, wash the dishes, whatever.

Children often don't want to do that.

Then they do it without desire. We should not expect the child to accept our request with joy. But we can insist that they comply. However, many parents tell me that even they themselves hardly do any housework when the children are around - because they need their attention.

In conversation, it often turns out that it's not the children that are the problem, but the parents' demand for so-called quality time. The few hours they spend together alongside work, school and daycare should be free of friction over how the work is divided up.

What are the consequences?

Parents see it as their duty to spend time together «actively» doing things that the children enjoy. They permanently put their own needs on the back burner instead of taking responsibility for them and saying: I need peace and quiet, your help - or: I feel like playing, do you want to?

In this way, children experience their parents in a role rather than as authentic people. Confrontation would be important here, because we don't learn to take responsibility in a quiet room. This requires interaction, negotiation and boundaries that are sometimes crossed and redefined. The family offers the best training ground for this.