Today I live with Dad
The ten-year-old gets out of the car and walks towards the house. Then he suddenly stops, turns round again and calls out: «See you in a week then?» His father calls back: «Yes, exactly!» The boy gives a thumbs up, then disappears behind the garden hedge.
He feels as if his son is asking him to confirm that, as a father, he won't miss his appointment under any circumstances, says Marc Petzold and laughs. Of course, he will be there at the usual time in a week's time - to pick him up. Marc Petzold and his wife live separately. They share the care of their son. However, the 44-year-old had to fight for this solution for a long time.
The trend is towards alternating custody
According to the Association for Parental Responsibility (VeV), there is no one-size-fits-all solution for sharing childcare after parents separate . However, there is a trend towards alternating care, says Oliver Hunziker, President of the association based in Brugg AG.
This benefits the relationship between children and fathers in particular, as they can spend more time together. Alternating care is when children are looked after by the second parent for at least 30 per cent of the time. «Alternating care is becoming the first choice and therefore socially acceptable, often also in cases of dispute,» says Oliver Hunziker.
In the past, Swiss case law has repeatedly made a mistake in its thinking. «The assumption was: Mum is good, dad has to prove it.» This has led to some children losing their familiar everyday life with their fathers after separations. «That still happens today, but things are improving,» says Hunziker.
Depending on the canton and local customs, fathers would need varying degrees of stamina to continue caring for their children. Marc Petzold has been demonstrating this will for a long time now. After two and a half years of disputes, a court ordered alternating custody. As Petzold works as a computer scientist, he can do a lot from home - and can therefore look after his ten-year-old well.
With the agreement of both parents, the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child in Zurich took over the assessment of what was in the best interests of their son on the court's instructions. It was to be expected that the court would not go against the recommendation of the renowned institute, which it had commissioned itself, says Marc Petzold.
«Our son is spared frequent changes thanks to these one-week periods at a time. I pick him up and drop him off every week.» The journey to school is just as long as the one from his mother's house. Petzold believes that the time he spends together is good for the boy.
Parental dispute puts permanent strain on children
The parental conflict can calm down a little. The father's new strategy: don't offer a target, avoid arguments and try to accept the ex-wife and her views better.
This is a good strategy, says association president Oliver Hunziker. Parental disputes put a permanent strain on children. In Hunziker's experience, judges are increasingly deciding in favour of shared care, even after contentious separations. This is because they see that many parents go down this route by mutual agreement - and that it is beneficial for everyone. «There are a lot of young mothers who say they want to return to work soon after giving birth,» explains Hunziker. «And they also want their husbands to be present as fathers. You can feel that and it's wonderful.»
According to Hunziker, the fact that the Federal Supreme Court abolished the 10/16 rule in 2018 contributes to this attitude among young mothers. According to this rule, the parent who had custody of the children and who was not previously in gainful employment had to take on a 50 per cent workload from the youngest child's 10th birthday and a full-time job from the age of 16.
Recently, it has become the case that the main carer - usually the mother - can be expected to work 50% of the time from the time the child starts kindergarten or school, and later even more. This means that there is no longer traditionally one breadwinner for separating families and one carer for the children, but increasingly both parents are providing care and both are contributing to the financial care of the children. «Step by step», a partnership solution is becoming more popular after separation, Hunziker explains.
Urgently needed: early communication
After all, according to the Marie Meierhofer Institute, an estimated 90,000 children live in multi-residential families in Switzerland today, many of whom are likely to come from separated families. According to the institute, it can be assumed that most of them have found a satisfactory family solution for themselves and their children. «Sometimes shared care is simply not possible, for very different reasons,» admits Hunziker. However, a parental dispute about whether shared care is good for the children is no longer considered by the courts to be an obstacle to the new model.
Christoph Adrian Schneider, 49, from Muri near Bern, is probably the most positive arrangement that can be made for children after a separation. The father of two sons (aged 10 and 12) had the foresight to address the issue during his former wife's pregnancy - and also how they can cope with a separation as parents without seeing it as a personal failure.
Schneider is a psychologist and on the board of the männer.ch association . He runs the fathers' crash courses in Bern and sees early communication as the key to good solutions. Of course, there are a few other prerequisites: It was clear to him from the outset that, as a father, he would be equally involved in the parenting relationship. It was also clear to him that they would live close to each other as parents and that he would adjust his working hours accordingly. «It's important to organise alternating care well,» says Schneider. «I make sure that I'm available for our sons when they're with me.»
Young parents today realise that parenthood is a partnership. «And everyone knows that: A separation can affect anyone.» Switzerland is on the right track - even in situations where parents disagree. If shared care was also practised before the separation, there is much to be said in favour of continuing it.
Many fathers find it difficult to reduce their working hours - this requires persistence on the part of the employer.
The männer.ch association is calling for parity in many respects. For example, it has been campaigning for more paternity leave for men for some time. Schneider reports that he has experienced fathers who find it difficult to adapt and reduce their workload. But he wants them to be persistent. «I maintain that it is also possible for fathers in Switzerland to reconcile work and children - even if men sometimes have to do more convincing with their employer than women.»
As both his former wife and he had a close relationship with their sons from birth, the parent-child relationship did not change after the separation. The four of them rarely get together, for example on the children's birthdays. Once a month, they went out for a meal as parents and talked about their sons and their relationship as parents.
What parents should consider:
- Extended childcare
Fathers look after their children every other weekend and also flexibly during the week. In many cases, childcare starts on Fridays after kindergarten or school and ends on Mondays when kindergarten or school starts. Sometimes the times are also shorter, from Saturday morning to Sunday evening. Additional shared times during the week with or without overnight stays. Widely used and popular amicable solution for night separation families. - Every second weekend
Traditionally, father-child time together every second weekend. In German this is known as the residence model, in Switzerland it is generally referred to as visiting rights. Still widespread - especially in cases where orders and arrangements have been in place for years with the help of the authorities.
- Alternating custody
Care periods of at least 30 per cent with the second parent. This model can be practised in numerous variations. For school-age children, parents often arrange for the children to spend one week with the mother and one week with the father. Or five days with mum, three days with dad, then five days with mum again, and so on. Physical proximity is a great advantage. For younger children, the time spent with one parent should not be too long because their perception of time is different to that of adults. - Little to no contact with one parent
Unfortunately, there are still cases like this. There are many different reasons for this. In these situations, fathers often only see their children while accompanying adults are present. In most cases, time together is limited to a few hours a month, which many fathers complain about and many children have to accept silently. - Nest model
Children remain in the parental household that existed before the separation. The parents change their residence. The nest model is alternating care at one location. Usually involves high costs and is therefore very rarely practised.
Focus on the children
Dominik Blatt, 47, from Wil SG, describes the physical proximity between mother and father as the most important prerequisite for alternating care. He has been looking after the three children together with his ex-wife for four years now, in an appreciative relationship. Even as separated parents, they used to regularly do things together because they «always focussed on the children». They also celebrate Christmas together. Alternating custody is a win-win situation, «because I can help shape the children's upbringing, but also have opportunities for leisure time».
Perhaps also because Dominik Blatt works as a team leader in a finance department, he sees some structural deficits for separated parents. Blatt mentions a split social deduction in the tax return, although childcare is almost equalised. And when it comes to health insurance deductions, only those who pay the premiums should be entitled to deduct them. But the deductibility is determined by the higher proportion of the children's living expenses. «These are issues that I find very disturbing,» says Blatt. «Separated and divorced people in particular incur a lot of double costs,» argues Blatt. «Suddenly, as a single father, you are taxed at a massively higher rate, even though you contribute equally to raising the children.»
Sabine Brunner from the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child in Zurich is primarily concerned with one question: What exactly is the best interests of the child? A term that is more controversial than almost any other. Brunner complains that the professions in family law themselves are so divided as to which criteria should be decisive for regulating the situation of children of separated parents.
Against this backdrop, it is all the more difficult for separating families to find appropriate solutions. «It really concerns me that such a fierce war is sometimes waged even among experts,» she says. She senses that many fathers are endeavouring to be there for their children even after a separation «and to find their position in the family anew», says Sabine Brunner. «I'm pleased to see that fathers are more involved than they were years ago.»
Real parenthood consists of more than just time.
Sabine Brunner, Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child
However, from Brunner's professional point of view, there are also fathers who overshoot the mark. Achieving alternating custody is sometimes turned into a «question of life and power». The needs of the children are disregarded. «It seems to be about wanting to own part of the child or owning time with the child.» Of course, bonding takes time, but real parenting and a «good relationship between parent and child» is about more than just time.
The decisive factor for the success of shared care is to listen carefully to the children and to «clarify» the parents' relationship, and to complete the separation emotionally. This is exactly what they try to do at the institute with the counselling service. In individual cases, it can work if alternating custody is ordered despite a parental dispute, explains Sabine Brunner. This is the case if the parents fundamentally respect each other's roles and the children themselves want to be with both parents. Brunner is convinced that it would often make sense for parents to make use of counselling services at an earlier stage.
Assess each case individually
Oliver Hunziker from the Association for Parental Responsibility sees only limited possibilities for improving the situation in disputed «old cases». The problem with decisions made by the authorities is that they are hardly ever reviewed. «Decisions are made that are supposed to apply for life,» says Oliver Hunziker - although the needs of small children are very different to those of older children.
In extreme cases, if parents are unable to reach an agreement later on in a dispute, they simply stick to the rules that have already been made. The father therefore remains a visitor every other weekend. «The fathers are often not entirely innocent either,» says Hunziker, referring to custody disputes that turn out badly. «When I hear that a father comes to a counselling session and says: «But it's my right», I always correct them: if it is, then we're talking about the child's right. Mothers and fathers have duties.» Hunziker is one of those who repeatedly campaign for the employees of the KESB and experts to be strengthened with further training and for a quality assurance system to be introduced that actually works. He also finds the behaviour of some lawyers in family law unacceptable. «A good judge knows how to ignore litigious lawyers,» he says.
Separated parents are «separate parents», not «single parents».
Hunziker pays close attention to the words he uses. He doesn't like to hear «single parent». He says you are alone if your ex-partner has died or is overwhelmed with caring for you. Separated parents are «separate parents», he corrects the common everyday language. Parenting is only possible together.
And he likes to think about the future. The fathers' counselling centres today often resemble military hospitals. What is the point of going through the courts in individual cases, as some fathers would like to do? It is more important to prevent escalations from the outset. «Courts are actually the wrong tool for family issues,» explains the association president. «It's all about finding the guilty parties. But we don't need anyone to blame, it doesn't help the children.» It would be much better to come to an arrangement in the form of mediation, if necessary with coercion and in the presence of a lawyer, that is based on equal parenting. «And then stamp on it, congratulations.»
