Time out: travelling away without children - now!

There are many good reasons for parents to treat themselves to a few days off or holidays without children from time to time: sleeping in, time for togetherness or just spending the day without a plan. Although holidays without their children sound very tempting for most parents, many don't dare.

«What often prevents parents from taking time out are the self-imposed and inflated ideas of what makes a good parent,» says family and couples therapist Raimondo Lettieri.

Raimondo Lettieri ist Fachpsychologe für Psychotherapie sowie Kinder- und Jugendpsychologie. Er ist als Mitarbeiter der Paarberatung und Mediation Kanton Zürich und in eigener Praxis in Zürich tätig. www.paarberatung-zh.ch

An observation that is also supported by the Forsa study commissioned by the magazine «Eltern»: 50 per cent of mothers surveyed said that neither their job nor friends or relatives stressed them as much as their own demands. The same applies to 41 per cent of fathers.

Parents put themselves under pressure

Figures that do not surprise the couple and family therapist: «Many couples who come to the practice have the idea that the child is only doing well if it is absolutely at the centre of family life,» says Lettieri. Of course parents have to put their needs on the back burner, but the decisive factor is to what extent.

Child-free time out makes the partnership more crisis-resistant.

He often asks parents: «How many children's toys do you have in your bedroom?» Or: «When was the last time you were away as a couple for a night or two?» The answers to these questions reflect whether parents are still able to establish a couple's intimacy zone. According to Lettieri, this is an elementary prerequisite for the relationship, because: «Otherwise, the couple disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of parental, professional and household duties».

«This short couple's trip breaks up the daily routine and allows you to experience yourself and each other as a couple in a new way,» says Lettieri. «In the best case scenario, you leave as tired parents and return as stronger parents and lovers.» Of course, conflicts can arise during the time away without the distraction of children.

Sometimes these are long-simmering issues, but more often they are unresolved expectations of the time out. For example, she wants to talk and sleep, he wants sport and sex. Lettieri's advice: «Clarify in advance what you expect from the child-free time and what your needs are in order to avoid disappointment.»

Time out: relaxed parents, relaxed children

At a time when everyday life is often timed to maintain the fragile balance between work, family and household, parents at least want to spend their holidays or free time with their children without the pressure of deadlines.

Mothers and fathers often put their own wishes and needs second. What's more, in today's small family model, there is little or no extra-familial support available. Or parents are reluctant to ask their grandparents for more support. And it is not uncommon for a guilty conscience to lurk.

Relaxed parents who regularly treat themselves to time out also promote the health of their children.

«I keep observing that mothers in particular think that their child is only really in good hands with them,» says the Zurich psychologist. This is an additional pressure that mothers and fathers, for all their love of parenting, should not actually have to put on themselves. The German AOK family study comes to the conclusion that parents who are stressed are also insecure when it comes to parenting. And this in turn has a negative impact on the children.

In other words, relaxed parents who regularly treat themselves to time out also promote the health of their children. And that's not all: «If grandparents or close friends look after the children during the couple's weekend, they learn to adapt to new environments, which in turn promotes their independence,» adds Raimondo Lettieri.

Arguments as parents, fun as lovers

Of course, organising time out in everyday family life, especially holidays for two, is time-consuming. Nevertheless, the couples expert advises: «Don't wait too long! As soon as you're reasonably well, go away without your children!» Later on, the time away could be extended to one or even two weeks. The key is to get out of your own four walls - even if it's only for one night - for example in a guesthouse in the same city.

Every now and then it's good to see your partner outside the zone of the double burden of family and work.

And sometimes parents come to surprising realisations during a child-free break: «One couple who were travelling without children for a few days for the first time told me with astonishment that they had got on really well as a couple and then immediately had a row again in everyday life as parents.»

In other words, every now and then it's good to experience your partner outside the zone of the double burden of family and work, to share joy and fun and perhaps even (re)discover each other. Nevertheless, Lettieri warns against exaggerated expectations: «A rusty sex life will rarely just start up again.»

But that's not the main point, says the psychologist: the shared emotional and physical closeness strengthens the bond between the couple - an important basis that also makes the couple more crisis-resistant on the exciting rollercoaster of parenthood.