«The mother doesn't have to cover all needs»
Mrs von Salis, is reliability more important for a good parent-child relationship than love?
Recognising and meeting the child's needs is the be-all and end-all of the parent-child relationship. Not knowing what to expect, i.e. the unpredictability of parental reactions, is the most unfavourable and stressful experience for the child and its development.
One time the parents are strict, another time friendly or a third time dismissive. The child never knows where they stand. In certain situations, this can be even worse than receiving no reaction at all. However, feeling parental love is just as important for a child as reliability.
A high standard, after all, even parental patience comes to an end.
Of course. Reacting with impatience can happen to anyone and is not a bad thing. The child learns that emotions play an important role in life, especially if you can tell the child afterwards that you were annoyed, impatient or angry and why.
A child needs parental leave, holiday time with the parents and it needs parents who can easily stay at home when it is ill.
Children know these feelings well enough themselves. It is important that they learn from their parents' example how to deal with strong feelings.
Time together is important. However, time is a very scarce commodity in many families. Many parents therefore prioritise spending quality time with their children.
This expression is often used to justify not being able to spend much time with the child. This contradicts the child's basic need: It attaches itself to those people who are most available in terms of time and who turn to it with affection and attention. There is therefore a discrepancy between the child's need and social reality.
Can you quantify how much parent-child time is optimal?
No, that doesn't make sense. I don't want to give any figures, because it always depends on the specific situation and the child. Defining rules here, for example how much external childcare is good, would not be helpful for families. But basically, the following can be said: A child needs parental leave, holiday time with the parents and it needs parents who can easily stay at home when it is ill.
Why is the role of the mother so important in attachment research?
The mother has a special, biological relationship with her child, just think of pregnancy and birth. This deep connection cannot and should not be denied. But it is important to realise that the mother cannot or does not have to meet all of her child's needs on her own.
What do you mean?
There are different and very diverse forms of relationships and not just one model that says how the child's needs should be met.
Children benefit from having several carers.
And: there is no single model that assumes that the mother - and only she - has to be there for a child 100 per cent of the time. On the contrary: children benefit from having several carers. The childcare tasks can and should therefore be shared. But mothers also have a duty. They must set their own boundaries.
What does that mean in concrete terms?
Mothers can and must distance themselves from the idea of perfection. You can't have the best career, be the most loving mum and be a seductive partner at all times.
Mothers need to organise time off, also to stay healthy. They can hand the children over to people who know them well and with whom they feel comfortable. This is often the father first and foremost, but it can also be grandparents, godparents or friends.
How does the need for attachment change over the course of childhood?
The role of the caregiver changes greatly over the course of childhood. In the first few years of life, a child demands one hundred per cent presence and attention. It is demanding to fulfil this around the clock for many years. Good external childcare is a great help here.
What is important in middle childhood?
The child goes out into the world. It goes to school, perhaps takes up a hobby, has many acquaintances and friends. They get to know other families. Many things in this outside world are different from those at home. This is the phase in which a child tries to understand why something is like this or that. It compares socially. Reliable structures, rules and rituals are now important.
And during puberty?
The physical changes absorb a lot of energy. One of the predominant issues in this phase is that of closeness and distance. Now it is the child who decides when they need closeness and when they need distance. Parents have to respect and endure this.
And young people?
Rules and structures need to be renegotiated here. This requires a great deal of flexibility from parents. Each family has to define what is particularly important to them, for example who has to be there for the Sunday outing.
Parents can only support their child, they cannot take their developmental steps in their place.
The issue in this age range is less about closeness and distance and more about attack and rejection. Adolescents sometimes strongly reject parents or attack their attitudes. This is part of a demarcation process.
Your most important advice for parents?
Parents can only support their child, they cannot take their developmental steps in their place. The most important thing is to provide your child with reliable, benevolent and loving support throughout their development and life.
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