«The anger at my ex-husband sometimes spills over onto the children»
I tell
"My ex-husband and I have shared custody of our sons. I think that's right and important for the boys, but it causes problems for me. Unfortunately, my ex-husband and I have difficulties with our arrangements. This always leads to unpleasant incidents and arguments. I'm often on the edge, sometimes furious with him, but I can't avoid him. Instead, I'm working with a therapist to deal with my negative feelings, because I don't want to pass them on to our boys.
Last Christmas, the two boys spent Christmas Eve with their father and were supposed to come to me on the morning of 25 December. Their father kept the children with him all day without telling me. My calls went unanswered. When Marco and Dominik arrived in the evening, I was exhausted. And sad and angry. I was ranting about all sorts of things. At some point, my younger son said: «It's not our fault.» He was right, of course! I then pulled myself together, but unfortunately I don't always manage to do that.
«I try to teach my boys how to communicate in an appreciative way.»
Our everyday conflicts are usually constructive. The three of us meet as equals. I explain why I don't like something or don't want something. I try to show them how to communicate in a respectful way. Of course, I also scold them sometimes, but then I also apologise.
The transition days are difficult because my ex-husband communicates differently to me. He finds me far too soft in my tone, he is often very strict and also derogatory with the boys. I notice this in little things in everyday life. Recently, my younger son knocked over a glass. «No drama, it happens!» I said. But he replied: «It always happens to me, I'm so clumsy, such a klutz.» He doesn't have this view of himself from me, which worries me. I spoke to my therapist about it and she told me that I can't change that. My job is to give the boys a different self-image, to strengthen them.
It's all the more difficult for me to see that my older son is adapting his father's behaviour. My ex often reprimanded and berated me when he was unhappy with himself. When my son recently broke a vase, I asked him if he had hurt himself. He snapped at me fiercely: «What a stupid question!» I replied: «You're just like your dad.» That was mean! I should have said: «I don't want you to talk to me like that.» I know that he definitely doesn't want to be like his father. A comment like that is a no-go. I have to criticise the situation and the behaviour, not devalue the person."
* Name known to the editors
Online dossier
Read more about parenting without scolding:
- Parenting without scolding: Do I always have to be loud?
It's part of everyday life in most families: parents scold their children, sometimes more, sometimes less violently. This is usually triggered by stress and excessive demands. But boundaries and rules cannot be enforced by shouting at them, say parenting experts. And too many tantrums damage the child's development in the long term. Parenting without scolding - how does it work? - «My outbursts of anger had a lot to do with my childhood»
Dominique Eichenberger lives near Bern with her husband Jan and their two children Yannick, 5, and Sophie, 3. Two years ago, the 30-year-old nurse started family counselling because she felt she was too often loud and rough when raising Yannick. Her husband also sought counselling. - «Before I completely lose it, I withdraw»
Karin Lerchi, 50, is a self-employed catering entrepreneur. The single mum lives in Zurich with her 13-year-old daughter Alva. Her professional situation is tense because of coronavirus. At the same time, the teenager demands freedom - which provokes conflict situations. - «Punishments don't change behaviour»
Lisa Briner and Noé Roy are both 28 years old. The accountant and product manager live in Bern with their daughters Amélie, 4, and Inès, 2. They became parents at a young age and knew that they didn't want to adopt the authoritarian parenting style of their own homes.