Siblings - a bond for life

Sibling myths: Part 1

Edith Hehlen and her sister never got on well as children. When Edith learnt on her 35th birthday that she would be dependent on dialysis from then on, her sister, who was four years younger, immediately decided: «I'll donate a kidney to you.» Edith accepts the gift and today the two are inseparable. In Switzerland, around half of all children grow up with a brother or sister, and a third even live with two or more siblings.

The relationship with our siblings, born into the same nest, is our longest ever: partners and children enter our lives relatively late, parents leave us too early. So the bond with brothers and sisters is sometimes one that stretches from the playroom to the retirement home.

For a long time, this unique bond was overlooked by science. Psychologists, sociologists and anthropologists have only been working intensively on the subject for around 25 years. We now know that siblings shape us at least as much as our parents.

The ability to empathise with others

We never learn at such a rapid pace as in infancy. We take our first steps, say our first words and learn the difference between I and you. Between the ages of three and five, we spend more time with our brother and sister than with our mother.

Siblings often help each other during this time. For example, in the development of the so-called theory of mind: the ability to empathise with the thoughts, feelings and plans of others and to recognise that they have their own view of the world.

In the famous Sally-Anne test, researchers use a puppet show to test ability: A puppet called Sally puts her ball in a basket and leaves the stage. While Sally is away, Anne takes the ball out of the basket and hides it in a box. As soon as Sally comes back on stage, the children have to guess in which container Sally will look for the ball.

Science now knows that siblings shape us at least as much as our parents.

Three-year-olds answer: «In the box.» They fail to realise that, unlike themselves, Sally cannot know what happened while she was away. Only from the age of about four do the little test subjects realise this and answer correctly.

In a study by the University of Queensland, children with siblings were a step ahead of the others. They had apparently found a unique counterpart in their sibling, which they could use to train perspective-taking.

Training partner for conflict resolution

Things are not always harmonious. The nursery also becomes a training camp for conflict resolution, because as small children we are more aggressive than ever. At no other stage of life do we show our anger more bluntly. It can lead to a fit of rage when the sister grabs the toy digger.

When young children argue, it is usually about possessions. When older children argue, the reasons are more often perceived injustice or their role in the family. But how much arguing is normal? US psychologist Laurie Kramer wanted to find out exactly and visited families at home.

With the parents' knowledge, she placed microphones in the children's rooms and counted how often the three- to seven-year-old siblings quarrelled: on average 3.5 times per hour - i.e. every 17 minutes.

She only counted at least three consecutive hostile interactions as an argument. If she had counted every swear word and every shove, the number would certainly have been even more impressive.

According to a study, siblings argue every 17 minutes. Experts say this is normal.

«Arguments between siblings are a completely natural thing. But parents are often unsure how to deal with it. They find it difficult not to take sides,» says psychologist Jürg Frick, who researches sibling relationships and advises parents and teachers in his practice in Uerikon ZH.

«A child's teasing may remind us of previous conflicts with our own siblings and reactivate old feelings. However, it would be better to refrain from accusations and recriminations and instead defuse the situation.» It is often enough to send the quarrelling children to their rooms for a while so that they can calm down.

However, arguments between siblings train the ability to defend one's own point of view, keep strong feelings in check and resolve conflicts. Brothers and sisters are stubborn negotiating partners.

However, the sibling arena is also a comparatively safe training ground: unlike school friends, siblings are not so quick to end a relationship when the chips are down.

The rivalry is growing

However, rivalry increases at the latest when school starts. Especially if the children are around the same age and the parents value good grades, this can lead to performance comparisons and envy. But if the chemistry is right, the reverse can also happen: Siblings support each other, encourage each other before exams and comfort each other when things haven't gone so well.

«I once had a girl in my counselling session who was rather insecure at school. When an important exam was coming up, her older sister wrote «Dear Lisa, you can do it!» in chalk on the classroom door. That meant a lot to her and gave her the confidence she needed,» says Jürg Frick.

Whether siblings remain eternal rivals or remain close depends on the fit of the personalities, but also on the behaviour of the parents. «It's difficult to generalise about the typical sibling relationship. The decisive factor is the individual relationship with each other,» says Sabine Brunner, psychotherapist at the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child in Zurich.

Siblings become closer during puberty

However, certain trends can certainly be observed: At the beginning of puberty, when difficult developmental tasks such as setting oneself apart from one's parents and consolidating one's own identity are on the agenda, siblings often become closer. Younger children in particular look up to their elders and emulate their role model - for better or for worse.

Whether siblings remain eternal rivals also depends on the behaviour of the parents.

Studies show that young people are more likely to smoke, drink or smoke pot and have sex earlier if older siblings show them how. If the age gap is small, they sometimes form alliances and rebel together against their parents.

Even when there are family problems, many siblings stick together. In a difficult parental home, they can even act as a buffer, as a 2018 study showed. Researchers led by Patrick T. Davies from the University of Rochester studied young people over several years.

Those who were frequently exposed to arguments between their parents were more likely to develop a mental illness later on. However, those who had a brother or sister who was close to them were not at a higher risk.

Building a sustainable relationship

«Siblings can develop bonds of friendship that include emotional warmth, an exchange of concerns, mutual support and corrective feedback,» concludes Davies. «It is precisely the unplanned life events, such as divorce, illness or accidents, that bring siblings together,» Sabine Brunner also believes.

As young adults, when we finally cut ourselves off from the family and our friends become our closest confidants, siblings often drift apart - both geographically and emotionally. After moving out of the parental home, the relationship typically slows down somewhat.

Everyone is busy with their own lives, starting a family, pursuing a career or other goals. Long-term studies show that tensions also decrease with proximity: Distance allows for fewer points of friction.

This changes as soon as shared responsibilities arise. This is often the case in middle and late adulthood. Companionable crisis management and emotional support are needed when it comes to jointly caring for ageing parents, dissolving the parental household and organising funerals and estates. This shows whether the siblings have managed to build a sustainable bond.

Some siblings even move back in together when they get older. A bond that protects against loneliness.

The development of the sibling relationship follows a U-curve, as experts report. As they get older, siblings typically move closer together again. Their parents are no longer alive, their partners may have passed away or they may have separated. «In this phase of life, it's important for us to reminisce about our shared past, preferably with the person we've known the longest,» says Jürg Frick.

Brothers and sisters often share a nostalgic longing: Do you remember how Dad used to make pancakes for us on Sundays? Do you remember the creaky floorboards in our house back then? Some even decide to move back in together in old age - provided that they can look back with maturity and settle old feuds.

In 2020, a study of 608 over-60s was published, showing that positive, warm relationships with siblings predominate in old age. This unique bond apparently protects against loneliness and promotes well-being in the autumn of life.

The sibling relationship not only changes over the course of a lifetime, but also over the centuries. «A hundred years ago, families were much larger. People didn't just have one or two siblings, but five, six or more,» explains Jürg Frick. «What's more, infant mortality was higher, so many had to experience the death of a sibling.»

In large families, the age range of children was also wider. Older siblings took on a parental role for younger children much more often than they do today. However, siblings were already important bonding partners back then. Edith Hehlen and her younger sister only found each other late in life.

On 20 November, they have therefore been celebrating together not only the second life that began for Edith with the saving operation, but also the rebirth of their sibling love. Everyone else could use 31 May to celebrate this special relationship. It is the official siblings' day in Europe.