Roots and wings: How children find their way in life

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said that children should receive two things from their parents. Roots when they are small and wings when they grow up. But how do parents find the right balance between protecting and letting go?

The more self-confidence and positive self-esteem children and young people have, the more successfully and better they can deal with other people, problems and life itself. Confidence in themselves, in their own abilities and skills is crucial.

The foundation for this self-confidence is laid in childhood. Parents play a major role in this: younger children get their security from their parents. If, for example, mums and dads are anxious themselves and have little confidence in their children, the children often react in a similar way. If, on the other hand, parents encourage their children to try things out and take risks, they will have more confidence in themselves. During the school years and puberty, colleagues and friends play an increasingly important role in this respect.

When parents recognise what their child needs, they develop more courage and a desire to explore and try things out.

When parents sensitively perceive their child, recognise where it stands, what it needs to try something independently and support it in this endeavour, it develops more courage and a desire to explore and try things out. However, it must be remembered that every child is different: some boys and girls are very courageous, others are a little more hesitant and cautious.

Every child needs something different so that they can venture out into the world. But every child, whether young or older, needs the confidence and certainty that they will not be alone in the end, but that they have someone by their side who will stand by them and know how they feel - regardless of what they have done and whether they have succeeded or failed.

The feeling of being able to make a difference

For a child to be courageous and self-confident, they need to learn that they can influence and achieve something. This also makes it easier for them to have confidence in themselves. Self-efficacy describes the conviction that one can achieve a certain goal based on one's own abilities. This feeling of self-efficacy is one of the most important protective factors in life.

This strong feeling helps to overcome even difficult situations without much damage, especially through the way in which problems are tackled. People who believe they have influence act much more actively. They have the expectation that they can achieve the desired result.

Independence has a lot to do with having the confidence and daring to tackle a task.

As a rule, parents want to protect their children from pain. In principle, there is nothing wrong with this concern. If a child is overwhelmed by a situation, it needs support. However, overprotecting them from difficult experiences gives them the feeling that they can't do it themselves, that they are incapable of dealing with it. Instead, they constantly need someone to prove them right, fight for them and encourage them. This makes a child weak and helpless.

However, independence has a lot to do with having the confidence and daring to tackle a task. If we fail in this attempt, this experience makes us stronger and helps us move forward. Especially if we have someone at our side to help us deal with these difficult experiences. Parents should pay particular attention to the following points in order to strike a balance between providing security and letting go:

Confidence - Trust

Parents are better able to let go of their children if they are aware of the child's strengths. If they know how the child can deal with difficulties and that they can trust that the child will seek their help if they need it. A good relationship with the child and good observation of the child, with all its strengths and the areas in which it still has things to learn, can give parents more security.

This always requires a sympathetic ear, asking questions and showing interest in the child's activities. This strengthens the relationship with the child and at the same time gives parents a feeling for the areas in which a child has difficulties and may need help or protection. Or perhaps even more capable than you think.

Stay calm

Children and young people only have confidence in their parents if they have learnt that it is not a drama for their parents if they do not succeed at something. In fact, parents should tell their children that they are proud that they tried at all. And motivate them to try again - perhaps in a different way.

Encourage people to look for solutions themselves

Independence comes from trying things out for yourself and doing them. It is worth encouraging children to first think about how they could deal with the situation instead of taking over the problem and the solutions. If the child does not know how to deal with the problem, they need help from their parents. Instructions and suggestions can help the child to find a way to solve the problem.

The limit of trust is reached when the child overtaxes itself and endangers itself and others.

But instead of doing everything yourself - and therefore often better - it serves the child better to let them try things out. In their own way, at their own pace. Only then can the feeling arise: I did it myself, the way I wanted to. Devaluing, lamenting, constant criticism and statements about how the child should have done things better will cause children to resist. Praise and the expression that you are proud of them increases their self-esteem.

Dealing with frustration

Children and young people go through different phases in their development. They want to discover the world - and repeatedly come up against their limits. The age of defiance, for example, is a typical developmental stage on this path: the child wants to and doesn't succeed. Severe frustration and anger are normal reactions. Adolescence is also a developmental phase with similar challenges.

During these phases, children have to learn to deal with frustration and boundaries and develop the ability to deal constructively with mistakes, grief, pain and even defeat. These are precisely the situations in which parents can convey to children: «You can trust yourself, we have confidence in you. The pain will pass. You can deal with boundaries.»

Set boundaries

The limit of trust is reached when the child overextends itself and endangers itself or others. In these situations, it is important to act as a parent. The rules determine the boundaries within which the child can develop.

These are often easier to control and implement with younger children than with teenagers . However, it is also important for teenagers to learn that boundaries must be adhered to. This can be more difficult as teenagers sometimes do not see the real dangers and overestimate their own abilities. In these situations, you should sit down together and discuss under what circumstances a teenager is allowed to do something. This is about parents expressing their concerns and fears and letting the teenager take a stand.

It is important that the child realises that it is understood and valued, even if it makes mistakes.

The teenager is encouraged to come up with their own suggestions on how they can alleviate their parents' concerns. This dialogue gives the parents knowledge about what the teenager thinks and feels and how they intend to deal with the situation. If a trial run works, the boundaries can be set further based on the trust that has been built up.

Even if you are sometimes disappointed by the children and your trust is abused: It is important not to lose all trust in the child. Because a breach of trust really only means: we have to address this breach, find feasible arrangements and give the child a new chance. Again and again.

It is important that the child realises that, even if it makes mistakes, it is understood, still accepted and valued. Parents were and are not always perfect either. They too have learnt from many difficult situations in their lives. Let's trust our children to do the same. After all, there is not much that makes parents happier than seeing their children venture out on their own as adults, confident, content and with self-confidence and ... fly.