Personal responsibility and independence - how it works

1. how do I show my child what it means to take responsibility?

Acting responsibly means, among other things, respecting others and the community: How do I treat my fellow human beings - in the restaurant, in the neighbourhood, in the family? Do I listen to others? Do I offer them my support? Children observe closely how parents behave in this respect. If you want to be a role model in this respect, you have to make sure that the child at home feels part of a community to which they are happy to contribute: do I encourage them to have a say, to develop and implement their own ideas, or do I insist on obedience as a matter of principle?

Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist, University of Zurich

2 How do I realise that I can hand over more responsibility to my child?

I can think of three main scenarios. Firstly, the child expresses the wish themselves, for example by saying that they want to get ready for school on their own in future. Secondly, as a parent, I realise that I want to relinquish some responsibility, for example no longer getting up at the crack of dawn to wake my teenager. Then it's time to talk about an alarm clock. Thirdly, as many children are not yet able to express themselves so clearly verbally when it comes to their needs, an ongoing conflict, for example about homework, can also be a sign that the time has come to give the child more responsibility.

Maya Risch, familylab seminar leader and kindergarten teacher, Zurich

3. when can I expect my child to take on how much responsibility?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this, because every child is different. As parents, we need to take a close look again and again: Who is my child and where is he or she right now? And from this, adapt their room for manoeuvre to their growing abilities. Comparisons with others are not helpful, they can even hinder the child's independence.

Maya Risch

4. how can my child learn to make responsible decisions?

Being able to make a choice and stand up for it is one of the most important life skills in an age of almost infinite options. Children learn this on a small scale - if we let them experience that their decisions have consequences. For example, if a child wants to take up a hobby, it is worth making an agreement after trying it out that they will stick with it for a year - and not give in if they no longer want to do it before then.

The more time we as parents are prepared to invest, the more the child learns from its experience.

Katrin Aklin

Even if for me as a parent this means putting up with the child's frustration - but also providing support, for example by accompanying the child to the course. The more time we as parents are prepared to invest and the less friction we shy away from, the more the child learns from their experience and will make their next choice less carelessly.

Katrin Aklin, personality and business coach, former head teacher in Zurich

5 Should I praise or reward my child when they act responsibly?

Praise yes, reward no. Sure, we parents should express our appreciation. However, research suggests that rewards are not advisable here because they raise the expectation of something in return the next time and are therefore detrimental to intrinsic motivation, which is self-driven.

Moritz Daum

6 My schoolchild demands more personal responsibility, but doesn't fulfil it: He is allowed to set his own bedtime and is now often up late. What should I do?

If a responsibility is handed over with the suspicion that the child might exhaust it, it will probably do just that. Then parents should refrain from doing so straight away. Transferring responsibility means actually handing it over. If the parents decide in favour of this, it means that this process is now in the child's hands. This does not mean that I should not comment on how they deal with it.

I can describe observations («You go to bed really late»), ask questions («How do you manage that in the morning?»), show interest («How are you doing with that?», «What keeps you up so late?»). It's quite possible that things need to settle down or that the child needs less sleep than we think. Of course, parents can also say: «Look, we can't (any longer) be responsible for letting you be in charge of bedtime at the moment, we don't feel comfortable with it.» When parents are honest instead of just expressing their displeasure or making a time announcement, the child feels taken seriously, which makes a different conversation possible. This may indicate that it's not really about bedtime, but that the child is trying to signal that they need more space elsewhere.

Christine Ordnung, founder of the German-Danish Institute for Family Therapy and Counselling, Berlin

7 Responsibility requires a say. Where should my child be able to get involved, what remains non-negotiable?

The answer to this depends on the topic and the age of the child. Let's take homework as an example: whether it needs to be done is not a question, but the when and how can be debated. The older and more independent children become, the more they should be allowed to decide. But I also say that what is really important to parents is non-negotiable. In this context, I advise mums and dads to limit themselves to two or three aspects that they consider to be central. In many families, this concerns rules on social interaction or hygiene and tidiness.

Annette Cina, psychologist, family counsellor and social researcher, Fribourg

8 What stops parents from giving children more responsibility?

We often get in the way of experiences that we have ahead of the child and that we think are dispensable: for example, if the three-year-old insists on wearing a T-shirt in winter, she will freeze. Or the son who spends all his savings at once: Tomorrow he will regret not having a penny to spare! Instead of denying children their decision on principle, we should focus on what they can learn from it. For example, you could simply pack a jumper for the toddler and hand it over without saying much when the child starts to get cold. The son may be happy with his purchase decision despite parental reservations - or learn that he should think twice next time.

Maya Risch

9. how can I as a teacher promote independent learning?

The aim of school is self-organised learning. However, if this leads to excessive demands, this blocks the path to independence. Self-organised learning should fulfil two conditions. Firstly, the child must understand the task, which requires clear instructions, and be given tasks that they can cope with. Secondly, as a teacher I cannot take independence for granted, I have to work with the child step by step towards it. They should not only be able to make their own experiences, but also need the certainty that there is someone in the background who recognises the need for support.

We often have too high expectations of children.

Fabian Grolimund

Some children can work on their own for hours, others need to be closely supervised. And some wait and see if they don't know what to do - I can't assume that they will ask for help when they need it. It often helps to have a little card on the table that reminds them: «If I get stuck, I'll get help.» Organising support needs to be learned - like planning, time management or self-motivation. We often have too high expectations of children. For example, the idea that a second-grader should be able to organise her weekly schedule independently: In my view, this approach makes sense from middle school onwards - and only if planning has been practised sufficiently.

Fabian Grolimund, Academy for Learning Coaching, Zurich

10 What role do peers play in the topic of personal responsibility?

A very important one. Peers are closer to children than adults in terms of their level of development. This equality makes it easier to learn from and with each other. In the group, children learn to stand up for themselves or give in, to regulate and express their emotions. Unlike relationships with parents, relationships with peers are not characterised by dependency. Here, social learning is free of hierarchy and characterised by an immediacy that only children can offer: If one child is constantly defiant, the others will eventually ignore them.

Moritz Daum