Ms Estermann, experts say that if parents manage to maintain a fair relationship with each other after separation, their children's development is not jeopardised.
It is very important that parents do not insist on a strict separation between these two worlds, the mother's and father's homes. In other words, the child should be allowed to take their favourite cuddly toy to their father's house or hang a picture of their father in their room at their mother's house. Even if this is not easy for the mother to see.
In addition, the handover of the children should always be the same, i.e. ritualised, if possible. And it should be consistent for everyone involved. If the children are still too young to go to their father's house on their own, a café could be a good meeting place where you can sit together for a short while and signal that you still see yourselves as parents
If one parent is absent, there is a risk that children will take on the role of the absent father or mother, i.e. an adult role.
In a single-parent family, it is impossible to completely avoid children being confronted with new roles, as parents also have to take on new roles. After the separation, the children are sometimes the closest confidants. Concerns and difficulties are naturally discussed with the children. And these topics are not always suitable for children.
When difficulties arise, it is perfectly acceptable to point them out.
What do you recommend?
Parents who are separated must be very aware of their roles so that they do not force their children into adult roles and must also repeatedly remind their children that they do not have to take the place of the absent father or mother.
My advice is to talk openly with your children and keep them regularly informed about what life will look like in the coming period. If difficulties arise, it is perfectly acceptable to mention them. You should also tell your children how these difficulties can be resolved and what part of the solution they need to help with. This gives them a task and means they don't have to act on their feelings: Mummy is sad – I have to protect her.
How can I prevent myself from turning my child into a kind of substitute partner?
It would be a mistake to isolate yourself from your children. It is crucial for parents to realise that their children are growing up and must and should go their own way. The children go to their father, come back, and vice versa. Being alone and being together alternately becomes normal, and the fear of one day being left alone as a parent suddenly disappears. If single-parent families embrace this learning process, there is no danger of children being used as substitutes for partners.
