«Parents should leave their fears to themselves»
Psychologist Anna Mathur is the mother of three children and suffers from an anxiety disorder. She says that people with severe anxiety sometimes carry heavy emotional baggage into family life. And she tells us what has helped her.
Mrs Mathur, all parents worry about their children from time to time. But what effect does it have on parental alertness if you are already very or even pathologically anxious?
Imagine a car alarm system. This should be triggered whenever the safety of the car is threatened. Now imagine that the alarm goes off every time someone simply walks past or a breeze brushes the metal.
The alarm system would then react to things that are not a threat and disturb and worry us with its unnecessary alarm. Parental anxiety can be like this. When our nervous system is already tense and stressed, it can be easier for anxiety to rise up in us even though there is no actual threat.
How do you recognise that you're just mentally piling up fear structures?
The triggers often do not originate from a dangerous situation, but from a mental cinema. We may read something about an illness and then our thoughts begin to rush to a scenario that has not yet materialised and may never happen.
The nervous system reacts to this because our body is not aware of whether this scenario is real or imagined. When we experience fear, we are in a hyper-alert and protective state. Our mind and body are focussed on doing everything possible to restore safety.
With what consequences?
When we are constantly in this state, anxiety evolves from a useful defence mechanism into something that hinders our ability to be present and enjoy our lives.
Fear consumes a lot of mental space and energy.
Someone who constantly feels anxious cannot laugh, rest and take in the present moment. Anxiety consumes a lot of mental space and energy. It is therefore incredibly important to find techniques and a mental craft for yourself to end the spiral of anxiety and tension.
How did you realise that you have an anxiety disorder?
I realised at some point that I was spending a tremendous amount of time thinking about worst-case scenarios. It's completely normal that we can't control what thoughts come into our heads, for example «My child has a headache, I hope it's not a serious illness». But as adults, we have the opportunity to categorise these thoughts as unfounded.
We can decide how extensively and for how long we brood over such thoughts of fear. At a certain point, I was no longer able to do this. I gave my anxious thoughts plenty of room to expand in my mind. My body, not knowing whether this thought was real or imagined, reacted with stress hormones and an increased heart rate.
I wanted to counteract this and constantly took measures to control a non-existent situation. For example, I was constantly taking my child's temperature. It's my mission to let parents know that while anxiety is prevalent in parenting, it doesn't have to be something that prevents them from experiencing joy, presence and calm.
You lostyour sister to cancer when you were a child. How do you deal with such an experience?
If someone has experienced a traumatic event, it can be difficult to reassure yourself that «the worst probably won't happen». After all, you have stored away the fact that your life has been touched, challenged or changed. It then makes sense to seek support in processing the trauma in order to counteract the associated fear. My fears are often based on the thought of my children or myself developing cancer. I worked through my traumatic loss with therapy. That was very helpful.
Many parents advise themselves to be less anxious and helicopter-like. Can anxious patients do this?
Anxious parents may find it more difficult to rationalise worries as they arise. However, there is no point in putting extra pressure on yourself. It is important that we learn to observe anxiety with an enquiring and compassionate mind.
Shouting at an anxious child does not alleviate that child's anxiety one bit. It helps if we approach the child in a friendly manner and ask what they are afraid of and try to support and comfort them. This is also how we should deal with our own anxiety.
Are you trying to hide your fear from your children?
Fear is a part of life. We all experience anxiety sometimes. We should show our children - in an age-appropriate way - how we deal with anxiety. They should see how we can react constructively to anxiety. Many parents ask me how they can manage not to transfer their anxiety to their child.
Consider your self-care a good investment. Your mind, your body and your children will benefit from it.
My answer is always that they need to try to leave the fear with themselves first and foremost! Our children expect us to make them feel safe, just as we expect an aeroplane pilot to get us safely through turbulence. If I appear anxious without justification, my child will also feel diffusely anxious. If we deal with anxiety in a healthy way, our children will learn to do the same and feel safe.
What is your personal first aid tip when fears take up too much mental space?
Get support! Don't be ashamed of your condition. Talk to a friend. If your expectations of your child's well-being are high, your expectations of your own emotional well-being must also be high.
Don't wait until you think your anxiety is «bad enough» to get help. Think of your self-care as a good investment. Your mind, body and children will benefit if you find ways to calm and anchor yourself.
