«Parents don't all have to love their children the same»
Mr Frick, parents love their children equally, don't they?
That is the aspiration of all parents - the reality is often different.
A surprising thesis.
Which has been proven by studies. One child is usually - or at least temporarily - closer to their mother or father than the other. Children are individual personalities with a wide range of characteristics, behaviours, inclinations and a distinctive, unmistakable appearance. And all of this comes up against the unconscious expectations, likes, dislikes and experiences of the parents.
Parents usually sympathise most with the children who are most like them.
The daughter, for example, behaves similarly to the beloved mother, while the son resembles the hated father. Through such associations, children unconsciously trigger strong projections, feelings and desires onto their predetermined parents.
Is there a typical favourite child?
Parents usually sympathise most with the children who are most like them. But not only! Family constellations are always a complex construct and it is important to look closely at how the maternal and paternal sides play into this.
Openly admitting that you prefer a child is one of the taboos of being a parent.
That's right. And it has to do with the idea that parents should always be fair and just, otherwise you're not a good mum or dad. But it is simply impossible to always behave in this way. If you still measure yourself against this standard, you quickly start to feel guilty.
In earlier times, there was a lot of neglect, for example because people wanted a boy instead of a girl.
And nobody wants to go back there. For me, it's more about the exaggeration of parenthood, the excessive demands for perfection. Nowadays, I have to love my children all the time, treat them all equally, have time for them and give them the best possible support, all 24 hours a day.
Parents who have several children know how difficult it is to respond equally to all of them.
Yes, but it is neither necessary nor possible to fulfil this demand! If you were to do that, you would teach the child: all my wishes and needs will always be fulfilled immediately! That doesn't make sense. Of course, the younger a child is, the sooner you have to fulfil their needs. A 2-year-old can't make her own sandwich in the morning, but a 6-year-old can.
Processes of favouritism and rejection happen unconsciously.
How much do parents harm their child when they favour a sibling?
First of all: conscious discrimination is very rare. Processes of favouritism and rejection usually take place unconsciously. Now it depends on how intense my feelings are as a mother or father, how much they are more problematic and then again with the other person - or only in certain situations. This is completely normal and nothing to worry about at first.
And what if parents prefer a child or even reject one?
Then of course that's a problem. The child doesn't get what it needs to be accepted and loved. The big task for parents in this case is to realise this and not suppress their feelings - and rather to ask themselves why they feel less close to one child than the other and what this has to do with themselves. And they should definitely try to find access to this child. The crucial question is not so much whether you have these feelings, but how you deal with them and work on them.
What if these feelings are persistent? Should I talk to my children about it?
I think it makes sense to go over the books yourself first and get professional help if necessary. The child doesn't understand if I say: «I'm annoyed with you because you remind me of your grandmother, who never had the patience to finish anything either.» It would be better to say: «I realise I didn't behave fairly yesterday, but that has nothing to do with you.»
A friend once told me that she loved both her children, but felt a little closer to her older daughter than the younger one. The older one is more like her in character. In order not to be unfair, she therefore keeps a kind of internal accounting: if yesterday the older one was allowed to light the candle before dinner, today it's the little one's turn.
I think it's very good that your friend is dealing with the issue so consciously.
But children have fine antennae for preferences and injustices, don't they still sense these feelings?
Sometimes, yes. Children «read» their parents' feelings, facial expressions and gestures towards each individual child on an intuitive, pre-conscious level - and they draw their own personal conclusions from this. Whether the mother or father actually favours the sibling is less important for the effects on the child's feelings, thoughts and actions. The decisive factor is how the child perceives the whole situation. In other words: sometimes children have the feeling that they sense something that is not actually the case.
Children often complain: «You don't love me, otherwise I would be allowed to do this or that ... the other one was allowed to do it too.»
Children conclude from their parents' parenting behaviour that they are not liked. But of course, clear favouritism or discrimination is a problem.
How do you react to such childish accusations?
It depends on the age of the child and the context. And, of course, on your own feelings. For example, you could ask: «What makes you think that?» Then the child will probably answer something like: «Because I'm not getting it.» Or: «Because I have to go to bed now and the other one doesn't.» Then I would reply: «Yes, of course, you're younger too. When your siblings were that age, they had to go to bed earlier too. And I love you.»
Suppose the child is not mistaken. Can the other parent make up for this?
Yes, that works to a certain extent. If the parent doesn't let themselves be played by the child, but tries to make them understand the other parent's point of view: «Yes, you know, mum loves you, but she was in a hurry...» It is also important to encourage this child, to give them the feeling that you like them and are proud of them.
It becomes particularly tragic when both parents reject the child, labelling it a scapegoat, in which case it often becomes what has been projected into it: it eventually becomes moody, aggressive, cheeky and hypersensitive.
Is it the first-born who is favoured by the parents, or the baby of the family? And what about the sandwich child?
In our latitudes, sibling order or gender no longer play a decisive role in this respect. The situation is different in patriarchal societies. There, the male progenitor still enjoys a special status in the family. Nor is it possible to say whether it is mothers or fathers who prefer one child over the other. Rather, preferences depend on the biographical experiences that parents have in the course of their lives.
What are the consequences for the disadvantaged child?
This varies greatly. If children constantly feel that they are not liked, this can lead to personal problems, inferiority complexes and, in severe cases, depression, withdrawal, psychosomatic complaints and aggression. On the other hand, children understand unequal treatment as long as it is explained objectively and is understandable to them, for example because of the age difference or an illness that the sibling is suffering from.
Anyone who was favoured as a child thinks that the whole world is geared towards them.
There are people who were disadvantaged as children and can deal with it. Or they seek psychological counselling in adulthood and sort it out for themselves. They can then often understand why their parents acted the way they did and forgive them to a certain extent.
That would be the ideal case.
That is true. But there are also people who suffer from this discrimination their entire lives. In extreme cases, they fight against the whole world by projecting the rejection they have experienced onto everyone else. Some of those affected only complain, constantly see themselves as victims or withdraw. They wear a type of glasses with a strong clouding - these deviate massively from reality.
What does that do to the sibling relationship?
Persistent preferential treatment of a child can have a significant and serious impact on the sibling relationship: There are countless variations and developments, from pointed remarks to permanent competition and jealousy to years or even a lifetime of no contact between siblings.
Some of those affected, both the favoured and the disadvantaged, can also discuss the experience later with their siblings, talk about it and understand better afterwards why their parents reacted the way they did.
From a certain age, you can avoid your siblings.
You can do that, but you will take your sibling conflict with you. As long as you don't do anything about it, you will continue to deal with it subconsciously. And at the latest when the parents need help or die, the siblings will have to get together again and then the old, unresolved conflicts will be brought back to life as if at the push of a button.
You don't have to treat children the same, but give them what they need.
Are there any disadvantages for the favoured child?
Oh yes. Those who are always favoured learn that they are the privileged ones. They later expect this preferential treatment in relationships, partnerships, at work, etc. in the sense of: The world is organised according to my wishes and ideas. This creates problems for him, he becomes corrupted. This is a disadvantage later on, because as a rule the whole world does not dance to my tune. These people often have a great insensitivity to injustice. It goes as far as narcissistic self-aggrandisement with egomaniacal ideas.
And in childhood?
It depends. Some children find this preferential treatment unpleasant because it also puts them at a disadvantage: The siblings form coalitions against mummy's or daddy's favourite. Each case is individual, but as a rule the child who is constantly favoured pays a high price later on.
You make a big distinction between equal and fair treatment of children. What does that mean?
Many parents and teachers believe that children are treated fairly if they are all treated equally. But this is not the case. You don't have to treat children equally, but give them what they need. This is how you treat your children fairly and according to their age.
What do you mean?
Let's take the closest example: twins. One says at lunch: «I don't want to eat any more.» The other is still hungry. Then the hungry one just carries on eating and his full brother keeps him company or goes off to play. But as a parent, I don't cook a new meal 15 minutes later for the person who thinks they're full. Parents should focus more on what their children need. They should focus primarily on their needs, not just their wishes.
Children need parents who have time and who encourage their children, give them confidence and support them, and not just financially.
Which often triggers anger in the next generation.
A natural reaction: «You're mean», «you stupid mummy», «you don't like me, otherwise I'd be allowed too» ... Now the question is: How stable am I as a mum or dad, do I get all worked up inside? Or can I stand it and calmly say: «What makes you think that? It's not possible that I don't like you. I love you.» Or do I react insecurely and ask myself whether I am a good mum or dad at all? Parents have to be able to put up with this. This is conflict resolution training for both sides!
Please complete the following sentence for us: Children need parents who ...
... have time and who encourage their children, give them confidence and support them, and not just financially. They need parents who listen to them, do things with them and also take time for their problems. You know, it is very important to me that we look at the issue of «favourite child» without moralising and without apportioning blame, and that we look for a pragmatic solution. Parents should open up much more to other parents and talk about their problems and insecurities. Then many would be helped.
