«Parents are responsible for the quality of the relationship»

Mrs Schmid, when does psychological violence towards children occur?

Psychological violence often occurs when parents feel powerless or overwhelmed and their stress levels rise. Job problems, neighbours, time pressure, expectations of themselves or fixed ideas of how things should be done: All of this can increase the strain in challenging parenting situations and put parents under pressure. Whether they manage to act without violence depends heavily on whether they have strategies to regulate stress and feelings of being overwhelmed, how well they manage to prioritise - and whether they have realistic expectations of the child.

What do you mean by that?

I notice, for example, how many parents expect young children to be able to regulate their emotions and control their behaviour themselves. Young children are not yet able to categorise and cope with their feelings and are dependent on parents to help them practise this. Excessive expectations create helplessness. Parents have the same effect when they insinuate that their toddler is deliberately trying to annoy them. Even if it may feel like this to them, the child needs the parents in particular when it is overwhelmed and certainly does not want to antagonise them.

What form of psychological violence are you often confronted with?

Parents shouting at, humiliating or threatening their child are the most common forms of psychological violence. Parents often call after destructive conflicts when the children are asleep and feelings of guilt arise. During the conversation, they sometimes realise that they are in danger of giving up their relationship with the child with their behaviour.

What does that mean?

Sometimes, out of anger, disappointment or excessive demands, parents find it difficult to show their child affection and attention during times of conflict because they feel that their efforts are useless anyway. At some point, parents may say: "Do what you want, you won't listen to us anyway.

What does that do to the child?

When parents withdraw as a source of support and orientation, they let the child run off into the void. This form of psychological violence can jeopardise their development. Even though adolescents in particular are masters at challenging parents emotionally and giving them the feeling that they can cope without them - the opposite is the case. Adolescence is one of the most difficult developmental tasks and unsettles young people. This is when they need the reassurance that there is someone in the background who is looking out for them, remaining present and offering them a relationship.

What if the child rejects them?

That can happen. The main thing is that parents don't stop doing it. An offer of a relationship doesn't have to be an invitation to talk - you can cook your child their favourite meal or ask if they want to do something. This won't make things right straight away, but the message is clear: I'm here. I'm interested in you. In certain phases, relationship maintenance is actually one-sided. Sure, rejection hurts. But it is up to us parents to find a way of dealing with this pain - it is not the child's responsibility not to offend us. We parents are responsible for the quality of this relationship. Imposing it on the child by making them responsible for their own feelings is a form of psychological violence.

Do you have an example of this?

I often hear parents tell their child that it makes them sad when the child doesn't obey, for example. It's different to tell the child that you don't agree with their behaviour. If, on the other hand, cooperation is forced by appealing to the child's guilty conscience towards the sad mother and hoping that she will give in as a consolation, the child is forced into a role that is too demanding and emotionally unsettling in the long term. Nevertheless, this strategy is widespread, be it when dealing with small children or when struggling with homework.

When it comes to homework, the verbal cudgel is often not far away.

Yes, because parents are overwhelmed by their own emotions: by powerlessness in the face of the fact that their child is not doing their duty, by worry about the consequences this could have on their future and by shame in the face of the question of how they look to the teacher as parents. This can sometimes lead to parents being completely overwhelmed, causing them to devalue, threaten or berate their child.

Parents can't do everything perfectly. Being forgiving towards yourself also helps to relieve pressure.

How could it be better?

Sometimes it helps to focus on the question of what could be purposeful or helpful instead of the target expectations. Small changes, such as rethinking the time and place for homework or giving the child's agenda more space, often help. Sometimes nothing helps, at least not immediately.

What then?

Then I have to think about whether I want to get involved in an ongoing battle with the child or decide in favour of a change. For example, I can try to leave the responsibility for homework where it belongs: with the school. Then the child goes without homework or sleeps badly because they haven't studied.

Letting a child have negative experiences and learn from them does not mean failing as a parent. However, it is advisable to inform the teacher about this approach. Making decisions and clarifying roles can take the pressure off. I say this from the perspective of a teacher, which I was for a long time. Some developmental steps take time. A clear attitude and confidence have a strong effect, even if the child does not immediately do what is expected of them. The message can be something like this: It's important to me that you learn to do things, even if you don't feel like it. We're not succeeding yet, but we're working on it.

Suppose parents have shouted at their child, belittled them and regret it. How do they proceed?

You take the child aside in a quiet moment and tell them: "It wasn't good the way I behaved towards you. I wish I hadn't shouted at you and I apologise for it. In this way, the child learns how people take responsibility for their actions. Parenting is sometimes very demanding. Parents can't do everything perfectly. Nor do they have to. Being forgiving towards yourself also helps to relieve pressure.

When should parents seek professional help?

If they feel that they are behaving towards the child in a way that they don't want to, but have difficulty breaking this pattern. Seeking help is not a weakness, it shows personal responsibility.