«Parental separation can also be an opportunity for children»

Mrs Brunner, a separation is first and foremost a matter between spouses. When should the children be informed?

A good time is when the parents agree that they want to separate. However, separations are not usually consensual and synchronised: often only one parent is in favour of the separation and wants to communicate this to the child.

In a situation like this, you should try to find an amicable solution in favour of the child. In general, it is important for both young and older children that their parents keep them informed about upcoming changes in the family. This is because children sense the tensions and also have the right to know what is happening in their family. They are dependent on this guidance. So on the one hand, children should be helped to gain clarity, and on the other, they should not be overly worried.

When a family separates, everyday life has to be reorganised. How should a child be involved in these steps?

There are generally very different family styles: in some families, children are allowed to have a say in many matters; in others, the parents decide many things between themselves and the children feel comfortable with this. My advice is to stick to your usual style, even in a separation situation.

Conflicts between parents must not turn into a «war».

In my view, the much bigger problem is when parents can't agree on the reorganisation, send different signals to the children and pull them back and forth. In principle, it is advisable to involve the child during a separation phase. They should never have the feeling that everything is being decided over their heads. On the other hand, they should also not feel that they have to make decisions that are actually the responsibility of the parents.

You support separated families as part of your work at the Marie Meierhofer Institute. What mistakes should parents avoid? And what opportunities can a separation process offer?

Conflicts between parents must not turn into a «war». The main reason why this happens is because we lack the ability to mentalise in difficult situations: In conflicts, we find it very difficult to think calmly, empathise with other people and understand them.

And in the event of a separation, this happens at precisely the time when children need the most support and guidance. Children also suffer when parents try to sweep their conflicts under the carpet and there is a subliminal bad mood. If, on the other hand, a separation is finalised, this often provides clarity, a breather and more calm for everyone involved. On an emotional level, children then experience that their relationship with their mother and father is strengthened. They can also benefit from a separation in terms of their development: For example, the new living situation can create more freedom and children are given more responsibility.