Our son thinks it's cool not to do anything for school!

Maik, 43, and Claudia, 42, from Baden AG are worried. Their teenager wants to be one of the boys who would rather chill out than study. What should they do?

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One question - three opinions

Our son, 13, is in the first secondary school. He has a good relationship with the girls in his class, but of course he also wants to be friends with boys. They like to chill out and think it's pretty cool not to do anything for school. So our son has the choice of being a good pupil or being part of the boys' gang. How should we support him in this decision?

Maik, 43, and Claudia, 42, Baden AG

This is what our team of experts says:


Nicole Althaus
I have long harboured the suspicion that the poorer performance of boys at school is first and foremost a way of setting themselves apart from the female sex. If girls get good grades, it's cool and masculine to make a fuss about it. At 13, your son is of course not yet man enough to simply ignore this unemancipated, pubescent behaviour. He needs his peer group. Let him chill out from time to time, but still encourage him to perform. Soon it will be cool to be a favourite with the girls anyway.
Annette Cina
Belonging and discovering who you are is the typical challenge of adolescence. Your self-image always develops in relation to others: What effect do I have on others, what impression do I make? How do I differentiate myself from others? Who do I fit in with, who fits in with me? However, your son has a wider choice than just fitting in or not. He can chill out, learn and have fun. Maybe not all in the same group. Support your son by motivating him to try out what suits him, find out what he wants and empower him to go his own way.
Peter Schneider
By telling him that the cool kids from school are often not quite so cool after school? That probably won't necessarily convince him. But you can perhaps explain from time to time that the decision isn't really a decision at all, just as you don't have to choose between boys and girls (in the long term anyway). This won't seem like a helpful enlightenment to him straight away either; you just have to keep saying it and back it up with examples.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 52, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 65, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
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