«Our daughter is ill. Anorexic»

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Lea's mum finds lists of calories from various foods under her daughter's bed. But this is just one sign of her daughter's impending eating disorder. «The portions became smaller and smaller, the meals became torture,» says her mother. The path to starvation as an addiction is a gradual process.

The mother describes in depressing terms how the whole family tries to free Lea from her anorexia. The teacher and classmates are also worried and try to encourage Lea to eat. But the illness gets worse and worse and the mother fears that her child is dying before her eyes. Eventually, Lea is hospitalised in a clinic.

In the full text, Lea's mum tells us how she dealt with her daughter's anorexia, how Lea finally regained her courage to face life and what she would like to give other parents as a tip.

It is autumn 2009 and our daughter Lea is 14 years old. Like other girls of this age, she has put on some weight in recent months. Her body has taken on a feminine shape and curves, but she is by no means fat.

«Mum, I want to look at the food a bit,» she says. In biology, we are currently going through «nutritional science». We parents think it's good - eating consciously doesn't hurt. At first, Lea leaves out the chocolate. Then she starts baking spelt rolls for the break. I later find whole lists of calorie tables under her mattress in her bed.

Lea is lovesick. But she doesn't want to talk about it. After all, it's normal for a child of this age to slowly withdraw from their parents, to retreat into their room, away from the family table. Lea no longer has a close friend. After transferring to district school, many things are no longer the same for her as they were at primary school. There she had two friends who also lived in the neighbourhood. Everything was manageable, not so at the district school with over 700 pupils.

WINTER 2009/2010

Lea is increasingly strict with herself, for dinner she only allows herself yoghurt with fruit or soup. «Lea, your portions are getting smaller and smaller! You have to eat, after all, you're still growing and need a lot of energy.» She throws our admonitions to the wind. She does eat! I cook lots of fish, rice and vegetables. Lea likes that. At least she eats something. «It's just a phase, it'll pass,» I tell myself. I suppress the fact that I'm making myself an accomplice to my daughter, supporting her in her madness. At this point, I don't realise that she is ill, that starving herself has become an addiction. The path to an eating disorder is a gradual process.

SPRING 2010

Now it's obvious: Lea has lost weight but still looks good, nice and slim! She gets compliments. We have more and more arguments at the dinner table. The sauce is pushed to the edge of the plate, the portions are getting smaller and smaller, our family life is increasingly burdened by unpleasant arguments about food.

The portions are getting smaller and smaller, meals are becoming a torture.

Meals together become a torture. Our daughter Kathrin, who is two years younger, also suffers. Lea remains stubborn. She eats kilos of apples, studies doggedly in her room and increasingly isolates herself from her social environment. Her grades are better than ever and «justify» her behaviour.

SUMMER 2010

Lea collapses on sports day. She doesn't say anything about it at home. Her teacher calls me and draws my attention to our daughter's weight loss. I only find out later that her classmates are also worried and try to talk to Lea and influence her.

Shortly before the summer holidays, we get in touch with the school social worker. «I'll make an effort,» she promises us and, to reassure me, packs an extra-large lunch - but she doesn't eat it.

During the summer holidays, she goes to the Blauring camp for a fortnight. The situation escalates there. Lea stopped eating and lost four kilos during this time. When I see my daughter pictured on the camp homepage - emaciated, with her thin arms and legs - I finally realise: our daughter is ill. Anorexic. After her return, I make an appointment with the gynaecologist. The doctor speaks plainly with Lea. She points out the serious consequences of anorexia and warns her that she will ruin her future if she doesn't change her eating behaviour. It looks as if Lea has understood. We are relieved. In order to support our daughter not only physically but also psychologically, we get an appointment with a psychologist at the Child and Adolescent Psychological Service (KJPD). That also relieves us.

But it takes weeks for the conversation to take place. In the meantime, we want to go to Greece for a family holiday. «Enjoy the time and try to put the issue of food to one side,» the doctor advises us. It becomes an absolute horror. Every day, Lea's figure becomes thinner, her face more expressionless. The sight of her in her bikini stabs us in the heart. Her favourite thing to eat is cucumber and tomato salad without oil and vinegar. It's almost impossible not to make food an issue. There are always arguments - the whole family is helpless. Lea's last school year begins in mid-August. She gets worse and worse. She becomes noticeably weaker. Her hands feel cold, her hair is falling out in clumps. I'm desperate, cooking hysterically for my eldest, with five pots on the hob at the same time. She has to eat something! Sometimes Lea forces herself to.

AUTUMN 2010

We finally have an appointment with the psychologist. Lea has to go on the scales. She weighs just under 38 kilos and has a BMI of under 17. The psychologist discusses hospitalisation. Of course Lea doesn't want to leave home. But as a mother, I can no longer take on the responsibility. I'm afraid that my child will die in front of me. The situation at home has also become torture for Kathrin. Everything revolves around food and, ultimately, her big sister. This puts a lot of strain on the girls' relationship.

The psychologist introduces us to a hospital residential group for young women with eating disorders. But a few days later, Lea is admitted to this hospital as an emergency case. Her physical condition has once again deteriorated dramatically. She wants to eat, but can no longer do so. She weighs 36 kilos and is getting weaker and weaker. Our daughter is monitored with devices. Discussions with psychologists and an experienced doctor follow. Finally we are able to speak to a professional who understands us. He explains to us that anorexia is a very serious illness. Around a third of those affected die from it, a third live with the eating disorder and only a third are cured.

Lea signs a contract in which she agrees to aim for a prescribed weekly weight gain. The abrupt admission to the clinic is very drastic for us as a family. We have to let go of our daughter from one day to the next without any preparation time, and Kathrin has also suddenly «lost» her sister. Nevertheless, we are glad that the responsibility no longer lies primarily with us. We realise that we are too close to our daughter - we can no longer do without professional help. Things are calming down at home. I can finally cook what I want and there are no more discussions.

I finally come to the realisation: our daughter is ill. Anorexic.

Lea can move into the residential group. «Lea, you have to eat, a feeding tube is very bad, I know what I'm talking about,» a resident motivates her as soon as she enters. Contact with her schoolmates breaks off. Everyone is overwhelmed by the situation. Instead of school, Lea now has psychotherapy and discussions within the group. She also has physiotherapy and handicrafts. We parents and her sister also regularly take part in family therapy. Lea gets on well with her carer. They do a lot of arts and crafts together. This allows Lea to fulfil her creative side, which means a lot to her! Her weight is slowly improving. We visit her during the week and she can come home at the weekend - packed with a menu plan, recipes and calorie lists.

WINTER 2010/11

Lea no longer wants to gain weight. Her carer has given notice and a dear friend is also being discharged from hospital. Lea also wants to go home and get away from the hospital routine. It is agreed that she will report to her gynaecologist for weekly weigh-ins and check-ups.

At the same time, she goes to the clinic for counselling therapy and starts school again, one grade lower, she has missed too much material. The responsibility for food now lies with me again. The scenes at the table are similar to those before Lea entered the clinic. Again, feelings of powerlessness, anger and even hatred rise up in me. «She just needs to eat, then the problem would be solved!» I am convinced of that.

Lea goes to be weighed every week. She drinks up to 4 litres of water before going to the doctor and, despite the warmer temperatures, puts on lots of clothes to make up for her weight loss. We parents and the doctor confront Lea. She promises and lies to us in the same sentence. There are moments when we no longer know our daughter. No, she is no longer our daughter - this girl is so completely different, no longer has the gentle nature, the grounded manner.

Lea scratches herself to feel herself, as she says. Her face has that empty expression again. After four weeks at home, Lea weighs almost 30 kilos. She has to be hospitalised a second time as an emergency case. Lea is at the end of her moral and physical rope. She doesn't keep to the agreements of her living group and is kicked out of the therapy programme. This expulsion is dramatic for us parents. What to do with our daughter now?

Fortunately, Lea is allowed to stay in hospital until we have found a suitable place for her. After numerous meetings with doctors and specialists, we find a therapy place for our daughter in a psychiatric clinic about half an hour away from home. Once again we have to say goodbye. At times she is in a locked ward.

WINTER 2011/12

Here, too, she does not honour the agreements. Her weight stagnates. Once I discover a bra in her wardrobe filled with around a kilo of nuts and bolts. Her trick to get out of the locked wardrobe.

That's why she has to leave the clinic after six months. «The anorexia is still very much present,» the psychiatrist tells me on the phone. From January 2012, she lives with us again and goes to school. She has to change classes again, but is well received there. She starts outpatient therapy at the Competence Centre for Eating Disorders (KEA) in Zofingen.

We had to let go of Lea. We told her that it was now up to her whether she wanted to live or not.

Then, while skiing, she suffers a fractured neck of femur. Lea is afraid that she is slowly «breaking» and has her bone density measured - the point at which my husband and I also have to seek help, otherwise we would also have become ill. The therapist, a mediator, asks us to «let go» of our daughter. For me as a mother, this is like a liberating blow. We promised him that we would no longer «look into Lea's plate», that we would let her eat what she wanted or allow her to eat nothing - all without comment.

We tell Lea that it is now up to her whether she wants to live or not. That we were at the end of our tether and would be ruined if we didn't distance ourselves from her. It's tough to realise all that. It's a long road. Today I know that it took this ordeal. We parents had to reach our limits, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to let go of Lea.

WINTER 2012/13

Lea falls in love. His name is Matteo. This love «treats» our daughter within a short time. We can hardly believe it. Matteo loves cooking and eating. She now lives with her boyfriend and his family most of the time. Lea's eating behaviour slowly normalises. Six months later, she starts an apprenticeship as a healthcare assistant in a residential group with mild to moderately demented residents. She also has to cook and eat there. She really enjoys the work - she is needed and appreciated at the same time.

Winter 2015/16

She still regularly attends therapy at the centre of excellence for eating disorders. But today we can say that Lea's eating behaviour is back to normal. For me, that's nothing short of a miracle! There was a time when we no longer believed that Lea could free herself from her anorexia - at times we expected her to die. It was pure hell for us parents and her sister, all the discussions, the arguments about food, kilos and calories, all the accusations, the lies.

Looking back, I have the feeling that many different factors led to Lea's anorexia. She didn't feel integrated in her class. She didn't have a real friend. She was literally «starving» for attention and wanted to be one of the beautiful and slim ones, to be well received by the boys. She lacked a healthy and good self-confidence, self-esteem and self-confidence, especially in upper school. Fear of the future spread, all the questions about career choices. She also constantly compared herself to her sister, who takes everything much more casually on the outside and is not as introverted as Lea.

There was a time when I felt guilty as a mother and blamed myself for causing this terrible illness and almost starving my daughter to death, so to speak. In particular, I felt guilty because it took time for me to realise that my daughter was anorexic. Experts agree and studies prove it: The earlier anorexia is treated, the greater the chances of recovery. Looking back, it is easier to make certain realisations: Today, I would see the doctor earlier with my daughter and address the eating disorder. I would also seek help from a specialist centre sooner.

As a mother, I felt helpless and guilty that my daughter was almost starving herself to death.

The fact that Lea finally made it is also due to several factors: the femoral neck fracture triggered a huge fear in her that she would now also «break» internally. Osteoporosis was discussed in all her therapies - always in vain. In this accident, she experienced it for herself. She has lost control of her body. A key factor in our daughter's recovery was certainly her love for her boyfriend. He accepted and loved Lea for who she is. The stress of choosing a career was also resolved when she got an apprenticeship. Lea finally has a goal in mind again.

Who was my greatest support during this difficult time? My husband. We walked this path hand in hand and supported each other. When I was feeling down, he helped me to get back up. We were also able to count on kind people in our circle of family and friends who supported us with good conversations and a lot of empathy, who had an open ear and were simply there for us. After this time, I am still very grateful that Lea has found her way back to a normal life and is able to cope with everyday life with joy.

* All names have been changed by the editors.

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