Now hurry up!
Sleep in comfortably until midday, then have a hearty breakfast. And afterwards? Firstly, chilling on the couch with the smartphone. Parents of teenagers sometimes shake their heads in disbelief when they see how their offspring seem to be wasting their time. But perhaps there is also a bit of envy involved. After all, when do working parents manage to do nothing at all? Surely the children could at least help with the housework! And the argument is already underway.
Time is one of the most frequent topics of conflict in families. Why is the primary school pupil dawdling around in the morning instead of getting ready? Why does the 18th birthday party not start until 11pm? Why doesn't someone else take the time to empty the dishwasher? And why did the partner have time to work overtime but not to do the weekly shop?
There is one main reason why families so often argue about time, punctuality and deadlines: «There are three types of time. However, these are not recognised at every age and therefore not all family members experience these time conflicts to the same extent,» says Ivo Muri, time researcher and founder of the «Nomos der Zeit» research institute in Sursee.
Until primary school age, children are primarily at home in the here and now. They have no great past to look back on and hardly any idea that there is a future. They sleep when they are tired, eat when they are hungry, and in between their most important task is to play. And they can't stop playing just because an adult has to leave in ten minutes.
«Young children can't relate to such concepts of time anyway. And they don't yet know that time is something scarce. So why should they hurry?» asks Tilmann Wahne, an educational scientist specialising in time management in families at the University of Lüneburg.
Those who understand time as only one thing, namely living in the here and now, know no stress - and that is healthy and important for the development of children. This almost magical timelessness is something that characterises - or at least should characterise - childhood. Many children now say that they are stressed. «The first thing they mention is school, then family,» says Tilmann Wahne. «And when you ask them what exactly triggers the stress, they miss having more self-determined time in their everyday lives.»
By the time they start primary school at the latest, time is no longer just something that you experience. Time is structured in the form of a timetable and a calendar and thus becomes something that can be planned. The daily rhythm is no longer just characterised by sleeping and eating, but by times, days, weeks, months and years. And above all by experience: you have to do things at a certain time that you may not feel like doing at the moment. And that creates inner dissatisfaction and frustration.
«The frustration tolerance that is necessary for this clockwork life only develops over the years,» says time researcher Muri. According to Muri, when parents explain why some things in our society only work with fixed times, it helps children to develop this kind of resilience. After all, punctuality is important in our culture for coordinating and organising life together.
Giving time more space
«In addition to punctuality, however, there should also be plenty of time for shared experiences, away from fixed appointments,» says Ivo Muri. Times when everyone is simply at home help to develop a family culture.
Casual conversations can then take place during such meeting times. You realise how the other person is feeling. And everyone can sit down at the table together and eat in peace without anyone having to leave straight away. «It strengthens families and children immensely when they give time more space,» says Muri's experience.
How the sense of time develops
Up to around the age of seven: Before primary school age, children have only a limited understanding of social life according to the clock. They can't do anything with terms like «in an hour» or «tomorrow». From the age of around two or three, children gradually realise that there is a difference between «now» and «earlier» or «later». «However, this cannot yet be differentiated more precisely. Anything that doesn't happen immediately can then be «tomorrow», for example,» says educationalist Tilmann Wahne. In order to be able to talk to them about specific points in time, it helps to link them to events that are as concrete as possible. For example: One more sleep, then we're going to grandma's. And not: Tomorrow we're going to grandma's. «A daily rhythm with reliable bedtimes and mealtimes helps children of this age to slowly get used to a time structure,» says time researcher Ivo Muri.
From primary school: As soon as children learn to tell the time, they also begin to develop a feeling for the time. However, it takes time for them to understand the actual duration of an hour or so. This is because time is not something natural; the units of time were created by humans. A sense of time cannot be trained, but requires life experience. «And even among adults, some have a very good sense of time and others an inaccurate one,» says Tilmann Wahne.
From adulthood onwards: the older you get, the more you realise that life is finite, and time becomes an increasingly scarce commodity that needs to be used as wisely as possible. Although adults have been living with the clock for many years, time sometimes passes faster and sometimes slower. This has to do with how many stimuli come at you during an hour, for example. If you are sitting in a doctor's waiting room during this time and just look out of the window, the hour seems very long. If, on the other hand, you are constantly exposed to new and exciting stimuli during an exciting football match in the stadium or at a concert, time flies.
At least until teenagers consciously try to break out of these family time periods again and - as a necessary and important demarcation from adults - look for their own time periods. «This is then often expressed in different everyday rhythms,» says Tilmann Wahne.
This is because parents tend not to join them for breakfast at lunchtime. There is less risk of bumping into adults at night parties. Young people usually find their way around virtual spaces so much better than their parents that they can spend time there undisturbed. And in a way that corresponds to their idea of time. And not in the way that is increasingly spilling over from the adult world and is increasingly expected of them: with an economic view of time.
Adults confuse life time with the clock
Time researcher Ivo Muri calls the latter the third type of time. Adults usually only experience time in this way: as a finite, scarce commodity that must be utilised and actively managed. Because in order to earn money, time must be used effectively and efficiently. «By making money out of time, we adults are increasingly confusing life time with the clock. And in doing so, we are losing the concept of time that we all had when we were children,» says Ivo Muri.
If you put yourself in the child's daily routine, you realise how little self-determined time is left in addition to school and planned leisure activities.
If you look through these economic time glasses, a teenager who is chilling on the couch instead of studying for school is doing something pointless. They are actually only doing what is so important for this stage of development: setting themselves apart from the adult world and, in this case, rejecting the time-is-money mantra. «What's more, young people often understand meaningful activities differently to adults, and that's their right,» says Tilmann Wahne.
Children have a natural way of dealing with time
After all, everyone needs time that they can organise themselves. «Parents often think that their children have a lot of self-determined time,» says Wahne. However, anyone who takes a look at their children's daily routine often realises how little free time they actually have apart from school and planned leisure activities - to daydream, dawdle, chill out or simply be bored. And, above all, not having to keep an eye on the time.
Children can still manage to take such periods of time easily - provided you let them and don't stress them out. «Adults, on the other hand, need to study Buddhism, attend yoga classes or do similar things to relearn how to manage time mindfully,» says Ivo Muri. Sometimes it might just be enough to stay in bed until midday like the teenager. To wander aimlessly around the forest for hours like the primary school pupil. Or baking countless sand cakes like the kindergarten child. «Parents can enjoy getting back to their natural approach to time through their children,» says Ivo Muri. It's worth a try.
- Time is not just what the clock shows.
- Children need self-determined periods of time in which they can do whatever they feel like doing.
- Primary school children don't dawdle to annoy their parents, but because they have a completely different understanding of time.
- Adolescents consciously seek out their own time to set themselves apart from their parents.
- Parents can learn from their children to live more in the here and now instead of seeing time as a scarce commodity.
