New love, new happiness - and how are the children?

Keeping an eye on the children's needs after a separation and finding child-friendly solutions with the ex-partner is usually challenging. It becomes even more complex when new partners come along, possibly with children of their own. One reason for this is that the new partners and their children bring their own interests and needs into the system. This can sometimes cause quite a ruckus and the adults are challenged in a new way, both individually and as a couple and parents.

Even in a new partnership, it is essential that the child's interests remain at the centre.

Everyone has the right to fall in love again, to enter into a new romantic relationship and to be happy in their own way. However, as with a separation, it is also essential when entering into a new partnership that the interests of the child remain at the centre. This is not so easy when your heart is set on a new person with whom you want to spend as much time as possible. If you don't live your new togetherness exclusively during child-free time, the question will arise at some point as to when the first meeting with the children will take place. There is no ideal time for this.

In «The patchwork book - how two families grow together», the authors write that the new love is initially a competition for the child. It needs to be reassured that the mother's or father's love is unshakeable.

Relationship building takes a long time

This person often associates the new love with the wish that the child will also take them to their heart and that everything will now be fine. This attitude can create a great deal of pressure, which can impair or at least slow down the development of a positive relationship. The authors recommend acting as a link between the child and the new partner and allowing time for the relationship to develop. With older children in particular, this can take one to two years. The desired closeness and distance between the child and the new partner should be respected.

If the new partner brings their own children into the relationship, the network of relationships between the adults and their children, but also among the children, expands. Nowadays, by the way, we hardly talk about stepfamily members any more, but rather about «bonus fathers» or «bonus mothers» with their «bonus children» as new family members.

This greater relationship complexity brings with it challenges that a nuclear family does not have. In this respect, the authors strongly advise against letting the children play «We are now a real family». This intention prevents the different interests and needs of all those involved from being recognised, addressed and taken seriously.

This is where the adults are called upon to regularly and consciously enquire about the well-being of all the children and find solutions through dialogue. For example, not all children are always present because they spend time with the other parent. This circumstance must also be taken into account and included in the weekly or weekend planning so that no child feels disadvantaged.

In order for the children to know who is responsible for what, the adults need to clarify their roles and responsibilities.

The infamous sentence to a bonus father or mother: «You have nothing to say to me!» can really shake up the newly created family world.

When patchwork parents come to counselling and express their helplessness, it is valuable to first work out what positive things the children will benefit from as a result of the new constellation. For example, eight-year-old Leo can benefit from the great football skills of his mother's new partner. You should also look at where Leo stands emotionally in his parents' separation process and whether he might want to «protect» his biological father because he himself is still attached to the old family constellation.

Avoid conflicts of loyalty

Sometimes you only really realise the end of your own relationship when your ex-partner falls in love with you again. Parents can then react very hurt and devalue the new partner in front of the child. This could lead to a conflict. If mum doesn't accept dad's new girlfriend, who is so much fun to play with, the child will no longer have the courage to talk about their great afternoon of play.

However, it could also be that the child suddenly rebels against the new girlfriend because mum doesn't like her. Both are stressful for the psyche and should therefore be avoided. If this kind of behaviour occurs, it is advisable to have a conversation with the parents to discuss its effects on the child. It is the parent's responsibility to seek professional help for their own well-being and to keep the child out of their own hurt feelings.

The hurtful sentence «You have nothing to say to me» often has to do with a lack of clarification of roles that have expanded due to the new family composition.

Maria is not only the mother of her own children, but now also the bonus mum of eleven-year-old Emilia. There are regular arguments at home because Maria's children do their homework after school, while Emilia doesn't even start before dinner because that was fine with her mum. After dinner, Emilia is too tired to do the homework, which in turn infuriates Emilia's father. Who should Emilia follow now?

In order for the children to know who is responsible for what, the roles and responsibilities of the adults need to be clarified. Furthermore, the custodial parents are responsible for the development, upbringing, care and support of their own children and should therefore remain in contact at parental level and communicate regularly. The new partner only has a counselling or supportive role and should not take on the parenting responsibility. In everyday life, however, they have the same status as the parent and help determine the rules of cohabitation. They work within an educational framework that has been previously agreed between them and the parent.

Rivalry leads to alienation

In Emilia's case, it would be helpful to discuss with her how living together can be organised peacefully and what rules apply. Emilia's father should authorise Maria to be responsible for maintaining the daily routine and to be allowed to do her job here. At best, Emilia needs a compromise for doing her homework, which she has to start before dinner but not immediately after school.

In most cases, the new partner claims to be better at parenting than the biological mother or father. If not active, derogatory remarks about the other biological parent can also lead to competitive thinking. Entering into a rivalry is a very bad idea because children are loyal to their parents. This unnecessary battle has often been lost at the expense of a good quality relationship, even leading to another separation. It is therefore advisable to focus on your own abilities and skills that could be useful to the child, regardless of the biological parent. Giving the child the time to realise that it can find a good caregiver in one of the parent's partners is a much better alternative.

In her book «Eltern bleiben nach der Trennung», psychologist Marianne Nolde explores the question of whether a new partner is an imposition or an enrichment for the children. By telling her own story, it becomes clear how important it is to separate the personal feelings that new partners of the other parent can trigger in you from the feelings of the children.

It is perfectly understandable for a mother to feel anxious at the sight of her father's new girlfriend embracing their son at the handover and bidding him farewell with «Ciao, my darling». The son might much prefer «the new girl» and perhaps even want to move in with his dad because it's suddenly much cooler there. Then the brooding spiral often starts and strange questions are asked or superfluous comments are made: «Claudia really took it out of you when we said goodbye earlier. Is she always that close to you?» - «Nope, she's completely normal.»

Now it's time: Watch out! As children have such fine antennae, this could already be the time when the son senses that the sight of mum saying goodbye has not done him any good and that he needs to behave differently in future. The mother did not want this at all, because some time later she realised that the new partner had not acted as a competitor but as a caring attachment figure and had strengthened the relationship with the bonus son. This should make it clear that another familiar relationship in a child's life can be fundamentally enriching and instructive.

Deceptive thought

Marianne Nolde also gets to the bottom of the question of whether it makes sense for children to address their new partners as «mum» or «dad». With the exception of cases in which the biological parents are practically not involved in the child's life and development, the author considers naming them to be tricky and ultimately unnecessary. Children want to please adults. Suddenly being called «mum» or «dad» can be quite uplifting and touching for them. Children, as sentient beings, will use this title more often when they experience how good it makes adults feel. Based on the fact that the new love relationship can also break down again and other dads and mums could creep in as a result, according to Nolde, the first name would also do the trick.

The idea that everything works better in a new family constellation than in the nuclear family therefore seems deceptive. Some things go better, others are much more difficult. For the children and ultimately also for the adults, it would be worth investing enough time in advance to clarify who needs what and who is responsible for what.

In the end, it is the bonus family itself that determines how life together should be organised so that everyone feels that their interests and needs are seen. It is a great opportunity to learn how to deal with each other, resolve conflicts, assign and share roles and responsibilities and how compromises can be made.

Emilia recently came to me for counselling and told me that things were going much better in her patchwork family now. What happened? The bonus mum had convened a family council in which everyone had their say and could say what was going well and what needed to change. Next week they will meet again in the family council and then Emilia wants to have the courage to say that she thinks it's stupid to have to constantly show the bonus mum that she loves her just as much as her father.