New closeness: «Be grateful for arguments with your teenage son!»

Mr Winter, puberty is a big topic in almost all families. Parents often fear that this time will be difficult, especially for their sons. And rightly so?

Statistically at least, boys give more cause for concern: compared to girls, they are more prone to violence, commit more crimes, are more likely to be involved in accidents and consume drugs more frequently.

So is puberty for girls easier from a parent's point of view?

No, just different. It also begins almost two years earlier. In boys, the first signs of pre-puberty appear at the age of nine or ten. Later, testosterone surges ensure that their bodies become more masculine and muscular, their voices change and their genitals become more noticeable. In general, the sexual urge is more pronounced in boys and wants to be lived out - which manifests itself in more masturbation and more porn consumption compared to girls.

A lot is also changing psychologically: the question of «Who am I as a man?» is a major concern for boys, and depressive moods are part of it. However, these are less recognised in boys because they do not fit in with the image of masculinity and are also less frequently discovered. At the same time, the suicide rate for boys is three times higher than for girls. Which goes to show: Too little attention is paid to the state of mind of boys during puberty.

Some educationalists, such as Jesper Juul, believe that everything is already decided at puberty and that parenting is complete. They, on the other hand, say that parents are more important than ever for the success of boys' puberty. What tasks do mums and dads have in this phase?

Letting your son go his own way, but still maintaining a relationship. The most difficult thing is to let him go - which also applies to girls in puberty. However, parents tend to have less confidence in sons - because boys often have difficulties in childhood, for example in language acquisition. Labelling boys as problem children does not make this any easier. At the same time, mum and dad shouldn't let the relationship break down and react with offence if the boy disappears and wants to be left alone.

During puberty, the speech department of the brain is reorganised, which means that parents feel they have to say everything a hundred times. What's the best way to talk to my pubescent son?

Firstly, it helps to respect: Yes, it is difficult right now. Otherwise, keep at it! Most boys send signals when they want to talk. My son, for example, hated it when I asked him at lunch: «How was school?» But there were windows of time when he became talkative. Unfortunately, this was usually when I was about to go to bed. So we spent the night together. Conversations between parents and their son are very important; they have a similar place in puberty as physical contact in early childhood. So pay attention to his signals. And above all: adopt a new communication technique.

What do you mean?

It annoys boys when their parents don't change anything about their children's communication - when they continue to be given orders or asked who they are meeting and where. Of course, parents are rightly interested in all of this. However, this interrogation tactic from childhood no longer works with teenagers; it simply signals to them: «I'm the boss.» That's why parents should communicate more at eye level and also talk about themselves - how they are doing, what's on their mind, what it was like during puberty.

Both boys and girls in puberty are masters at finding out exactly where their parents' sore spots are.

What if the son doesn't want to talk?

You have to respect that to a certain extent. At the same time, it's important to keep asking him to talk and not let up. Boys often need a lot of invitations. They often block them because they suspect what the outcome of the conversation might be. If parents are disappointed themselves, they should postpone talking. It is better to break off a conversation if it is going in the wrong direction or you realise that your throat is swelling. Escalation is pointless. Instead, suggest in a quiet moment: «Can we talk about talking? How can we do this better?» Puberty is a new experience for everyone involved and is different for every child. That's why it's important to find out what works for everyone - although this is constantly changing.

To make matters worse for parents, they are now scrutinised and judged by their son. They are suddenly seen as representatives of tradition and the outdated, and the boy develops from admirer to judge. In addition, adolescents tend to reflexively reject everything that comes from parents or other adults. Why is this?

Because the boy has to detach himself. It is easier to detach from parents who are uncomprehending than from parents who are in contact. The latter in particular find it difficult when their offspring throws things at them. At the time, our son labelled us as stuffy - which really hit me hard. He in turn had to do this to distance himself from us and feel himself.

However, if I feel affected as a mother, it is difficult to react appropriately.

In such a case, ask yourself: Which statement offends me? Why? Both boys and girls in puberty are masters at finding out exactly where their parents' sore points lie. In an argument, my pubescent son once shouted: «Do you actually know what the meaning of life is?» «No,» I countered, «can you tell me?» To which he replied: «To have fun!» That annoyed me. Looking back, I have to say: he hit the nail on the head. Back then, work and career played a big role for me, and I had actually lost sight of having fun a little. Looking back, I thought it was great to be held up to the mirror. But as a parent, you have to put up with it first.

So should parents see arguing as an opportunity?

Yes, that's hugely important and part of the weaning process. When parents complain about arguing a lot with their teenage son, I always say: Be grateful! Arguing is the new form of closeness, often called «puberty cuddling». As long as you're arguing, you're still in a relationship. Not arguing is much worse.

Same-sex relationships are more charged during puberty.

Do fathers and sons have more heated arguments than mothers and sons?

Same-sex relationships are more charged during puberty, after all, the son meets the father in a male gender identity - which also applies to mother and daughter. However, the lines of conflict often cross - for example, when the mother can't stand the way her son behaves.

A study cited in your book offers comfort for parents: according to the study, many fathers and mothers suffer from the state of the family when there is a pubescent son in it. However, the situation is quite different: 90 per cent of teenagers say that their relationship with their parents is good. How can this be explained?

The survey would certainly have been different 30 years ago. Today, however, there are many committed parents who have a very good relationship with their children. Although puberty is difficult for boys, the result is a gain: friends become central, personal experiences and changes take centre stage, often paired with a «the world is open to me» feeling. From the son's point of view, he can get over a few arguments with his parents.

And how do parents feel about their son's puberty?

They tend to experience the whole thing as a loss. It is not for nothing that puberty is said to be the time when parents become difficult. Mum and dad feel their age, because biologically the son could now become a father himself - which pushes parents into the position of grandparents.

It's a myth that boys know everything about sex.

Suppose I barge into my son's room while he's watching a porn film - how do I react?

Then it's best to close the door again and leave him alone for the time being. If things like this happen, it may be a sign that he wants to be caught and wants to talk about it. Otherwise, he would lock his door or do something else to ensure that you don't find out. That's why you should definitely try to talk to him later. Ideally, you will then be aware of your attitude. Women in particular often find the subject difficult and morally reject porn. However, you should not approach the dialogue with your son morally.

How important is it for parents to talk to their adolescent sons about sex?

Very important! If only because there is so much rubbish circulating on the internet. It's a myth that boys know everything about sex. What's more, sex education at school is usually inadequate - and stops before it becomes interesting for boys. The whole thing is orientated towards the development of girls, who are two years earlier. By the time boys are ready, there is no one left at school to whom they can ask their questions.

Girls generally seem to be talked to more about sexuality: While the first menstruation often acts as an initiation for them, there is nothing comparable for boys.

That's right. The real question is: where does the boy get a response to the physical development he is going through? The first shave could be an occasion for this.

Is the impression deceptive or is shame a bigger issue for boys?

That is clearly the case. Also in relation to mum and dad. Which is only understandable: after all, in the middle of puberty, boys have to show up at a school event with the most embarrassing parents in the world. And they might even say something - in front of everyone! Or they might greet their son's friends and ask some funny questions. So be happy when your boy announces that his girlfriend or boyfriend wants to spend the night with him. This is a sign of trust if you are in the flat at the same time. And also proof that your son is not ashamed of his family.

When boys say «bitch» to a girl, they don't usually mean «slut».

Parents, on the other hand, blush when they hear their son talking to friends - and using words like gay, fuck or bitch.

The same applies here: if you hear it, it's probably a message from your son. In a quiet moment, I would say to him: «Let's talk about it.» And at the same time, don't dramatise the whole thing. When boys say «bitch» to a girl, they don't usually mean «slut». It's a devaluation, yes. But they also devalue each other in the same way.

Why is this so common among boys?

For them, it is a way of being in a relationship. Subliminally, they want to prevent too much closeness between them and the suspicion of being gay - which has eased in recent years, but still plays a role. What's more, while girls focus on individual friendships, the clique is central for boys. This involves positioning themselves, balancing power and signalling superiority.

Suppose I want to know who my son is seeing: how do I talk to him about his friends without him immediately shutting down?

Firstly, I think it's great when children have friends and belong somewhere. As a parent, you usually find out who belongs to the inner circle. So you can casually ask: «Who's all going to the party?» Or: «Who was there?» However, if he doesn't want to say anything, you have to respect that.

Am I allowed to criticise his friends - who now play an immense role? And if so, how?

You are allowed to worry and you can say so - because you are talking about yourself and only indirectly about your son. Funnily enough, it's always other people's sons that parents think are unsuitable to deal with. It helps to briefly remind yourself: «Maybe his friends' parents think the same about him?» In fact, the bad influence is usually an interplay.

It's exciting to see how the boy develops into a man and slowly reveals himself in all his facets.

During puberty, of all times, when boys are particularly reckless and display more risky behaviour, they should be given more personal responsibility. How does that fit together?

Not at all, that is indeed a paradox. We know our sons and know that they may be particularly impulsive right now. For parents, it is important to endure this tension and say: «I trust you - anyway!» It's important to talk about it and set boundaries: «Sure, you'll mess up - but at a certain point, that's it.» Most young people appreciate the trust they have been given and handle it well.

What can parents look forward to when their son reaches puberty?

Here's to a varied time! The great thing is that sons also push parents into development and they are forced to deal with certain things. I also found it exciting to see how the boy develops into a man and slowly shows himself in all his facets.

But that can take time: You write that it takes longer for boys to mature.

Yes, puberty takes longer for them than for girls and also starts one to two years later. In other words, they are not as fully developed as girls at the same time.

How does that manifest itself?

While girls are through with the rough stuff when they finish school or start vocational training, for boys the end of puberty coincides exactly with the time when they are winding down. Because they now have to make life-changing decisions, the pressure to get it right increases. At the same time, the number of options has increased. Many adolescent boys feel overwhelmed by this and react by retreating and disappearing: they hang around between school and the next step or can't find a way to leave home.

And is their delayed development to blame for this?

On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, there is also a «princely» parenting style, which is still the way many boys tend to be brought up. From an early age, we place fewer demands on them than on girls, and parents are much more supportive when difficulties arise. In addition, many mothers are very involved with their sons - all of which makes it harder for them to leave.

How do parents recognise that puberty is over?

The end is usually even more gradual than the beginning. Parents notice it more casually - when the son is less quick-tempered, the resistance to everything the parents say is gone, pubertal reflexes are no longer necessary. Or as communication scientist Paul Watzlawick said: «Human maturity is doing the right thing, even if the parents have recommended it.»