«My son ran out of the house crying»

Father: There was a big escalation with my son this morning and I got violent. Do you have time for me?

Counsellor: I like to take my time.

Dad: Well, the holidays have just started and we were going to Italy this morning. We were looking forward to a relaxing time by the sea. We've had a lot of stress recently, with our three children at school and us at work.

Advisor: Yes, for many families the time before the summer holidays is very intense.

Father: My wife is the one who usually spends most of her time with the children, but I'm responsible for organising the holidays. I wanted to take the pressure off my wife, so I rented a great holiday home and organised everything perfectly.

Counsellor: It sounds as if you had the best of intentions and also had high expectations of yourself.

Father: I just wanted to have a good time with the family. We should be having fun on the beach by now. Instead, we're all angry and still at home, and I'm on the phone to the parental emergency services. Super.

Counsellor: Sometimes things turn out differently than we plan.

I grabbed him by the arm, he pulled him away and fell down.

Father

Dad: This morning, just before we were about to leave, my son was upset because he had forgotten his swimming trunks at school. My wife then found last year's swimming trunks. But he completely lost it because it had a picture of Sponge Bob on it. He ordered us to buy new swimming trunks before we left, which wasn't possible so early in the morning and was out of the question for me anyway. I'm not going to be ordered around by an eleven-year-old! I became impatient and thought that nobody knew him at the holiday resort and that the trousers weren't a problem last year either. He then said that he didn't want to come on holiday and we both got loud. I grabbed his arm, he pulled it away and fell down. He didn't hurt himself, but he ran out of the house crying and hasn't come out of the room since he got back. How can it be that things have escalated like this over swimming trunks?

Counsellor: It sounds to me as if it was about much more than a bathing suit for both of them. I generally assume that there are «soft» feelings and unfulfilled needs behind «hard» behaviour such as your son's refusal or your violence. We often only make progress when we understand the underlying behaviour better.

Father: Oh, that takes so much time.

Counsellor: That's true. But sometimes it takes even longer if we try to change a behaviour without understanding where it comes from.

Father: Well, I have time now. My wife and I have decided to postpone our departure until tomorrow.

Counsellor: Shall we explore together what you and your son might have been talking about in the morning?

Father: Gladly. Let's start with him.

As your son gets older, appearance becomes increasingly important. You want to fit in and not stand out in a negative way.

Counsellor

Counsellor: Okay. As I understood you, he was outwardly commanding and stubborn: «We're buying new swimming trunks now or I'm not going on holiday with you!» The tone and the orders were inappropriate. If we take the broadest possible interpretation, what feelings or needs can you imagine?

Father: Shame. He was embarrassed to have to wear something childish.

Counsellor: I suspect that too. At that age, appearance becomes more and more important. You want to fit in and not stand out in a negative way.

Dad: I can understand that. At eleven, Sponge Bob really isn't cool any more. But that it was so important that he'd rather not go on holiday at all?

Counsellor: I suspect that the confrontation with you triggered other feelings. What must have been going through his mind when you told him that the swimming trunks weren't that bad and that nobody knew him there?

Father: He probably felt misunderstood.

Counsellor: Exactly. Perhaps you know this yourself. If you don't feel understood, it can trigger or intensify an inner distress, a kind of fight reaction.

Father: Yes, I know that. I realise how pointless it was to get involved in a power struggle and try to force him. But I was under so much pressure and couldn't take the time to stop at that moment.

Advisor: Yes, you felt responsible for the success of the family holiday and were under a lot of stress. You didn't want to be held up in your plan to take your family on holiday as soon as possible because of Sponge Bob.

Father: And that's why we had to postpone the holiday by one day.

Counsellor: Delays don't just have to be bad. Do you know what you're going to do next? Father: Yes. I'm going to apologise to my son for shouting at him and grabbing him. But I will also mention that he was extremely cheeky.

Counsellor: I think it's important that you explicitly take responsibility for your behaviour without «half blaming» him for it. There will be plenty of opportunities later on to help him deal with his emotions better.

Father: Okay. I tell him that I want to control my reactions better in future. And maybe also that I understand that he's embarrassed by his trousers. Maybe we'll go and buy a new pair and have pizza together in the evening.

When we have the courage to admit mistakes and make amends, it strengthens the relationship.

Counsellor

Counsellor: That sounds very good. It's not the events themselves that are decisive for a child and their upbringing, but how we deal with them afterwards. Conflicts and mistakes are part of life. If we have the courage to admit mistakes and make amends, it can even strengthen the relationship. And if we take responsibility for our mistakes, children gradually learn to do the same.

Father: I hope so. Thank you for the exchange. It was very helpful. Can I perhaps call you again after the holidays to talk about how I can control myself better in such situations and still set boundaries?

Consultant: With pleasure. I wish you a good conversation and happy holidays.