«My son is dancing around on my nose»

Mum: I don't really know where to start. Can I get started, do you have time?

Counsellor: Yes, that's exactly what I'm here for. You can start wherever your thoughts are at the moment.

Mum: My son has been dancing around my nose for weeks.

Counsellor: Tell me about this dance.

Mum: He's cheeky, contradicts me, insults me and doesn't do his homework for school.

Counsellor: I imagine that will be exhausting for you.

Mum: Yes, that's it. I can't deal with it any more.

I'm frustrated because I do everything for my child. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.

Counsellor: You say it's been like that for a few weeks, not for months or years. I find that reassuring to hear. How old is your son?

Mum: He's twelve. That's right, it's only been like that for a short time, it came on like a shot. I know it's part of puberty, but sometimes it's almost unbearable the way he treats me.

Counsellor: It is probably difficult for you to feel which of the things you have listed is most important for you to change.

Mum: Yes, I think everything is bad. And I could go on and on with the list of things that are difficult.

Counsellor: Perhaps it would be good for you to express the feelings associated with this first.

Mum: I'm frustrated because I do everything for my child. I can't do anything to please him. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.

Counsellor: It sounds to me as if you don't even know where to start.

Mum: Yes, exactly, it's endless.

Consultant: I have a concept that could help you to prioritise and find out where you could start. Would you like to hear it?

Mum: Yes, of course.

Consultant: It's one of my favourite concepts and is called «The three baskets». We often use it in face-to-face counselling, but it also works on the phone. If you like, we can apply it straight away.

Mum: Yes, I'm curious about that.

Counsellor: First of all, take a few small pieces of paper and write on each of them a behaviour of your son that you find difficult. I can wait until you have done this.

Mum: I'm ready.

Counsellor: Now imagine three different sized baskets: the large one like a laundry basket, the medium one like a wastepaper basket and the small one like a decorative craft basket in which you can store a few small things. The large basket is the «acceptance basket». This is where you put the slips of paper with the behaviours you can live with. I suggest that we start here with one behaviour, you can expand on your own.

Mum: I could put the contradicting in here, for example. It's annoying, but if I'm honest, it's kind of part of being old. I was like that too.

Counsellor: That sounds right. And it's nice that you remember so well how you were travelling at that age. The middle basket is the «compromise or negotiation basket». This is where you put those behaviours where there is room for negotiation and where you can imagine negotiating with your son about what is possible and what is not.

Mum: Hm, I could put in there, for example, when he has to be home after he has arranged to meet friends. I could discuss that with him.

Counsellor: Exactly, this topic is well suited to this. And in the small one, the «limit basket», there are the few behaviours that simply don't fit in. Ideally, these are no more than two or three things. What would you put in here?

Mum: That's quite clear to me: the insults and that he doesn't do anything for school any more.

If he throws away his future like that, I simply cannot and will not stand by.

Counsellor: I think it's great that you see this so clearly. You are now investing your energy in these two points, you are really demanding this. Which of the two is most important to you at the moment?

Mum: Yes, homework and studying for exams. He would actually be a good pupil, but his grades are getting worse at the moment and if he slacks off like this, he'll be graded down at school and won't be able to do the apprenticeship he wants later on. That makes me so angry.

Counsellor: And I suspect that in addition to the anger, there is also concern about your son's future.

Mum: Yes, of course. I know that children that age aren't always easy. But if he throws his future away like that, I simply can't and won't stand by and watch.

Counsellor: And that's exactly the point. Now that you have so clearly identified what is most important to you out of all the things that are currently difficult, you can now talk to your son about it. Just on this one topic. Leave all the other things to one side for now and you can deal with them at a later date.

Mother: I realise that this is already taking the pressure off me. I no longer feel like I have to tackle everything straight away, but can concentrate on what is really important to me. I also realise that I'm able to focus more on the worry than the anger. I also believe that my son can deal with this better than if I keep telling him all the things he doesn't do well.

Counsellor: I can well imagine that. I also notice that you already seem calmer and less agitated than at the beginning of the phone call. I would now like to give you the fourth basket, the «resource basket». You are free to choose the size here. Now list everything that your son does well.

Mum: Yes, there are quite a few things. For example, he likes to draw, he's often cute with his younger brother and sometimes, when he's in a good mood, we have a lot of fun together. I just realised that I could think of even more things. And yes, now I can end the phone call in a different mood to the one in which I called you. Thank you for this exciting concept. It helps me to focus on the essentials.

Counsellor: With pleasure. Now I wish you a good conversation with your son.