«My outbursts of anger had a lot to do with my childhood»
"I was very insecure with my son Yannick for a long time. Our relationship was exhausting, and my great love for him didn't change that. Our difficult start certainly played a role in this: I had complications during pregnancy and the birth wasn't easy. I had postnatal depression in labour and breastfeeding didn't go well either.
I was aware that the situation was challenging for our small family. I got myself some specialised literature. My husband listened to the relevant audio books in the car. We both wanted to understand what was going on in Yannick's head and react appropriately.
While I was freaking out, I knew that my outburst was doing us more harm than good.
Nevertheless, when our daughter Sophie was born, our relationship became more intense. Yannick was jealous and often lashed out at his sister. He hit her, kicked her, pulled her hair and threw toys at her. I initially tried to calmly explain to him why this wasn't possible. But that just didn't work.
Then I got loud, very loud! I shouted at Yannick, swore at him, sent him to his room. If he didn't leave, I grabbed him, just left him there and closed the door. It was also a bit to protect him, because I was afraid that I would completely freak out.
Even while I was freaking out, I knew that my outburst was doing us more harm than good. It was a bad feeling, because despite this realisation, I couldn't change my behaviour.
I told a parenting group on Facebook about my despair and was recommended Nina Trepp's «artgerecht» coaching programme. I went to family counselling with my husband and also started individual counselling for myself. I learnt a lot about myself in the process.
Since I have fewer specific expectations of my children's routines and behaviour, I am much more relaxed.
My outbursts of anger have a lot to do with my childhood: I am the younger child of two girls and my sister, who was only slightly older, was better than me at everything. I often felt inferior, simply not good enough. This feeling was repeated when I didn't manage motherhood well in my eyes - and it made me insanely angry.
In counselling, I have worked on judging myself less harshly. I do my job as a mum well enough, if only because I reflect on myself. Since I have less concrete expectations of my children's routines and behaviour, I am much more relaxed and Yannick has become much calmer. I still rant sometimes, but I no longer feel helpless in the face of this anger."
